Feeling the Pull

I am sitting at Cafe Diablo in Torrey waiting for my lunch. My truck has brought me "up the mountain" as it needed a new starter. Fixed and ready to go, it touches a longing in me to get back on the road. As I laid down on the edge of Capital Reef, contemplating self and life, in and out of doziness, my desire to keep going increased; driving, listening, stopping when or wherever, living simply; just me and the highway like so many times before.

I find it incredibly interesting to watch this pull in myself and recognize the tension caused between craving for home and  and the sense of wander in me as a constant in not just one aspect of my life.  Fortunately and maybe not coincidentally I currently live in a place that touches both the wanderer in me (just minutes from my house it's easy to get lost amongst the sandstone) as well as the one who longs for community and place.

The question is, am I able to balance both? To step into home, community and deep connection, fighting the instinct to bolt from that which I want? I think so. I think I can find the equilibrium,  and it's time. Time to do the work, balance it with play and to stop handing out "the speech". As I commit to community theater, a new teacher and changes at work, I recognize myself shifting into summer, bringing me home or 'home for now'. All the while saying hello and goodbye to friends, old and new.

A friend of mine asked today “when does it get better?” I’ve been thinking about this a lot and what the answer is for me because it has gotten better,  and not due to circumstance or even environment. Nor can I say exactly when it happened, but it is better!

This is not to say that my heart doesn’t break regularly but that it breaks open in a way of beauty and trust. It doesn’t mean I understand why we’re apart, or that my body doesn't ache occasionally or that I know what to do with the anger that seems to have shown up after grief. Nor does it say that the desert wind doesn't seem like too much but sometimes.....and at other times, the breeze  that stirs the sagebrush, stirs my being in just the right way. It may mean than I am honing the practice of turning toward what is present for me, doing my best to live authentically and in integrity and letting "the soft animal of my body love what it loves".

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"Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Equality

In 2008, as I watched a pride flag fly in front of the world map engraved in the Mormon church office building amongst a sea of people, my heart swelled full of gratitude to be a part of such an important time in history. This image is imbedded in my mind even five years later as I read stories of both hate and love, around the arguments that have made their way to the supreme court, feeling gratitude still, as well as grief that we as a human race still find in necessary to even discuss marriage equality

With every year, nearly thirty three now, comes new insight, challenges and growth tied into my personal sexuality, yet never defined by it. In the past, I spent a long time attempting to redefine the way I love, to no avail. You see, I'm not gay, although not very straight . I love. I love short, tall, fat skinny, old, disabled, blonde, brunette, masculine, feminine, blonde, brunette, man and woman.

I love and I do so fully, regardless of past wounds, heartache, let alone gender. I was once married to a man, a relationship that did nothing for "protecting the sanctity of marriage". My current relationship is with a woman and is wrapped in beauty although it has it's challenges (i.e. long distance, overcoming fear, two extremely sensitive beings coming together), our relationship harms no one except maybe the feelings of my sweet, brave parents. Like I said, I've had my own struggle with self acceptance when I was young and even now I am not comfortable with the stares I may or may not be imaging that she and I receive when we are out together in public. Honestly, my biggest concern about the government recognizing our relationship is that she's Canadian and I'm American. So we have several lines to cross including boarder lines and equal signs.

This is just a little about a very small part of my journey with partnership, love and marriage. I have no idea if I will get married in the future and if I do so it will be merely to celebrate myself and whom I choose to love. It is also to say, let us be. Let us all be who we strive to be and treat one another equally, regardless of whom we fall in love with, how we decide to dress or to what or whom we pray to. We all deserve the same rights not as gay or straight, foreign or native, Christian or Agnostic, but as beings on this planet. Love is why we are here. Whether you or I love a man or a woman, are single or have a large family, let us strive to be better, to treat each other equally and with respect. I understand it is not about me personally, it is about all of us as a human race, striving to be the best we can be, to love in it's most raw form, to eat healthy real food that was meant to nourish us, not starve us of what we need most. Let us love in this manner as well, not only in marriage or relationship but in every day with every living being.

Remember to Listen

Without the sparkle in your eye, are you able to see as clearly?

I was in car accident last night. I won't go into to many details here but I did get hit more than once, the second time t-boned on my (the drivers) side. I am so blessed to not only have survived but to have done so with minimal injuries. Although as each hour post accident passes, I become more and more sore, barely able to open my mouth, overwhelmed with the trauma and the beauty of it all, I cry tears of gratitude along with tears of fear.

Minutes before the accident I thought to myself, "I don't feel it. I don't feel connected. I don't feel purpose. I can't feel mystery!" My heart cried out for the ability to listen, almost angrily. Moments later I'm spinning around the freeway like a top in slow motion and now, I have battle wounds on my warrior like face. I couldn't stop shaking, my mouth seemed to not stop bleeding. Shaking bleeding, laughing, crying, making friends along the way with one of my best friends by my side, I thought of my dear sweet love, of my life and the life I've yet to live.

Death is one of the few certainties in this life. Any of us could leave this world, at any moment. The car accident I experienced yesterday could have easily taken my life. I am not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not living.
When I am not connecting I am not living. When I am not spending time in nature, I do not feel alive. When I am not helping others, I am empty. When I am not with her, I feel alone.

This is a difficult time. As my friend drove me home from the hospital, Owl flew out in front of us. Owl has been ever present in my life the past couple of years and has taught me so much, including the ability to see clearly in the darkness.

Love and Gratitude

Remember Me?

The ocean causes my heart to sing and as the sea breeze kisses my skin I thank God that I'm alive. I dance among the waves, my body as fluid as your words. I long to dive in and let the vastness pull me under, but alas, I know I have more work to do and more love to know.

I find it curious that I have come back to such a place. This place that, not long ago, met my grief and did not let go. This city that rubbed me raw, worked me to the core, spun me around and spit me right back out. The ocean received my tears then, now she holds me in joy and light, bursting at the seams.

I return older, not so much with age but as one who holds the wisdom of grief and the knowledge of the courage that shines in love.

Loving the Unknown

As I stirred awake this morning it took me several moments to recognize that I am no longer in Salt Gulch. The slam of a drawer or door had me feeling confused. There is nothing that would make that sound in or around the tent I slept in for six and a half months. I was surprised by this confusion since it's actually been several days since I left the place I most recently knew to be home.

Although I am blessed to have a great place to stay, at the house of my brother and niece, I do miss living on the land. I miss the cry of coyote as I go to sleep, I miss the starlit sky and the birds come to life in the morning. Hell, I even miss peeing outside.

Even so, as I left the Salt Gulch and drove out of the town that I'm completely in love with, I knew it was time for me to step away, for however long, it's important for me to show up in the 'real world'. It's important for me to be able to show up anywhere. If I can't do that, then what have I done all of this work for? I must continue to walk the mystical path with practical feel.

Some of you have expressed curiosity as to where I am and what is coming up next for me. I am currently and temporarily in Salt Lake City. Tomorrow I will head to Park City for a few days. I'm looking forward to the workshop with Theo and my friends. I'm excited to continue to be in community with others that support me and have similar objectives.

As for what is next I do not know. I have some idea and I also know that I have some very important decisions to make. It is interesting to be with all of this and at the same time, coming out of an incredibly beautiful experience full of profound stories. So I maintain a trust in myself, a gentleness as I integrate. And although I'm not sure as to my next best step, whatever that is I will work to incorporate the things that I have learned. I must continue to live my gifts, to live with an open heart (as much as it hurts sometimes), and to live in authenticity. 

Thank you all for your concern, love and support.

Re-membering True Nature

I look up through the clouds
Reach my calloused hand toward the stars
Cause this life, it's no longer than my arm
Wind rushes through my veins, causing me to sway
All that's in my heart, can no longer be kept at bay

Six months flew by so quickly and may as well have been a lifetime. So many stories, I do not dare repeat for my heart is still digesting. As much as I love this place, it feels good to know that I will be stepping away soon, however briefly or long, knowing that I need to integrate and be with all that has gone on. At the same time, there is a sadness in the preparation. As I climbed the hill to my tent in the starlight, my heart welled up. Have you ever been held by place? I've been held here, as I dove deeper into living my gifts, into loving fully, into the path of re-membering.

I went to my sit spot this morning. The creek is unusually high, higher even than in the Spring. I remember I used to sit and listen to it gurgle, it seemed as though it was speaking to me. As I sat, I would listen intently to what it had to say. Water speaks without words. I felt comfort in listening this morning, the full creek sounding almost frantic, met the panic in my heart.

The season has been filled with dreams of incomplete circles, dreams of seeds. There are stories of Deer, Owl, Hawk and many more beings. My longing for community and deep connection was met here in profound ways, and helped me begin heal old wounds around community and rejection. New ways of loving. I wonder how we survive loving so many so fully in so many ways. I thank my heart for breaking open in such a way that has allowed me to experience such love, with all of the grief and joy that is wrapped up in such love.

I marvel at the many, amazing musicians I have come into contact with. Who knew, in such a small town? This land seems to call out to those with incredible talent. I've enjoyed many a campfire, barn dance, house concert or spontaneous ditty. What a blessing, to connect with others through music, to fully see and feel a performer. I thought of listing all of them here, but knew I would miss someone. Thank you all for sharing, you're an inspiration to me.

Of course there is the farm. Digging beds, planting seeds, building, laughing, arguing, pounding a hammer with frustration, delicately and lovingly placing seeds in the ground. Mimicking nature through patterns and observation.

Beautiful and grief ridden experiences processing animals, honoring them while doing so. Primitive pottery, medicinal herbs, sleeping in a cave, building fire.

All of these stories have brought with them bigger dreams, deeper knowing and greater responsibility. I could not possibly go out into the world and not share my gifts and what I have learned and remembered. I do not expect it to be easy, I've heard it said that living your gifts is not always living your bliss. It is however, what feeds my heart.

Melodic Days

I was doing some research for a performance theater I am taking part in and found a journal entry from this Summer:

June 28, 2012

The heat persists and seems to set me into slow motion. Afternoons spent in a daze, thoughts melodic yet incomplete. I can't help but take siesta at the hottest part of day, coming to life in the cool of night, re-membering through dance, love and laughter. Each morning I watch the sun rise with fascination, as my stiff hands unfold I ignore the idea that I may have arthritis. My feet are raw but try as I might I can only get myself to wear shoes for an hour or two. Even as I enjoy the quiet I wonder where the others have gone. I long to connect with my people and know that I would not find them all in the same place.
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Although those few hot weeks experienced in early Summer have long since passed, this journal entry speaks to I am feeling right now. With the end of the Permaculture Design Course I feel as though I am coming out of a dream and once again I find myself in a melodic daze. Yesterday I slept for three hours in the afternoon and was ready for bed again at 8:30. Today as I worked to prepare the garden beds for winter, my body felt slow and heavy, thoughts scattered, love going out to the beautiful beings I was privileged to spend an intense and beautiful fourteen days with. Even half of the apprentices are gone, it's just me and the boys.

For a moment today I felt a strong desire to pack up and leave. So much has gone on here, so many stories and I think in knowing that I am not staying for the winter I felt like rushing the good bye. Then as I went to rehearsal and Yahel and I practiced our piece and I felt the intensity of it I was reminded that it is not time yet to pack up and stories will continue to unfold here in my favorite place. In gratitude I wind down for the night, continuing to ask for guidance and to maintain presence.