Vision Quest and Community

As I come upon the one year anniversary of my time in Anza Borrego, my thoughts have been on the Vision Quest. As we hiked out of our base camp on one of the last days, our beloved guides invited us to ask ourselves or another these questions: What happened? Who went out (on the Vision Quest)? Who came back? A friend and I were marveling last night at how we were still asking ourselves these same questions. We laughed, "What the hell did happen?" Both agreeing that the Vision Quest was the best time in our lives, for me, the most profoundly beautiful, sacred and mysterious experiences I've ever had.

There are so many stories for me around this experience, before and after, and I'm sure yet to come. It is interesting to look back at this time, during the actual Vision Quest and notice what stands out for me.  As I've mentioned previously, this was a very personal and sacred experience for me. There are parts of this experience that I have shared with very few people,if anyone at all, and I will not share those most sacred experiences here, but I do feel inclined to share more.

The Humans

A big part of this quest, for all of us in different ways, was our experience with each other (the other questers and guides). There were fifteen of us total, twelve questers, two guides and one apprentice who acted both as a participant and as a guide in training. I knew the group work leading up to the solo would be an important part of this journey but I am still amazed at the profound ways this proved to be true. I was surprised at how I was able to immediately open up to these strangers, when it is sometimes difficult for me to be authentic with people who have been in my life for years. Of course it was intimidating that first night as we gathered for dinner, but as I walked up to the 'dining area' one of the questors approached me saying my name and giving me a huge hug. Although we had only met hours ago, I had the sensation of connecting with an old friend.

We sat in 'council' everyday. I love this concept. Essentially, we all sat in a circle and shared as we received the talking staff. The only rules were to speak spontaneously and from the heart, and also to listen from the heart. We shared our fears, dreams we had during the quest, or anything that was present for us. In this, each one of us experienced what the Other was sharing. I was struck by the fact that we were all such mirrors for each other. Others would share dreams that affected me in a profound way, or even the collective. The energy in those circles was so powerful, it's difficult to find the words for it.

I don't think I've ever felt so held by a group of people and I realized how much I'd been longing for community. One of the first nights we were invited to share our life story with a partner that was randomly selected for us. We were to tell our stories in the third person, with few interruptions for an hour an a half or so. The apprentice and I shared a wildlife encounter with Owl, one of my consistent spirit guides. We weren't afraid of touch. Hugs, hand holding, kissing. Those boundaries we've set in this society regarding touch did not exist. Not in an inappropriate way at all, but going back to being held, emotionally and physically.

The group aspect was not all happy and lovey though. Working through such intense emotional shifts, there was bound to be some projecting going on. Seeing in others what you either long for or despise in your Self is never easy. There was one lucky quester that, whether he knew it or not, got to play the role of all the romantic interests in my life, poor guy. Of course the situation of wanting someone I couldn't be with for logistical reasons came up, why would it not? I knew I was projecting because my feelings for this person were completely irrational, from entirely in love to so disgusted, I couldn't even look at him. There were others who had a really hard time feeling a part of the group or had problems with a particular person because of their own 'stuff'.

The most meaningful part of the group aspect for me, was simply being witnessed and witnessing others. Witnessed as I worked through what came up, as I danced, as I laughed, cried, sang, screamed and as I said 'yes' to this incredible journey. After we returned from our solos, we were invited to share our experience in ten minutes (impossible!) as our guides introduced us, in a random order. I was so blessed to be present as each person shared "what happened" for them during their time alone in the dessert. I was the last to share. It was after dark and it had been a long day. As I spoke into the darkness, although they were tired, I felt each person listening intently as I shared what was in my heart, and knew, I was forever changed.

I started to call the next section of this blog, 'the work' but as I began to type it seemed to do my time in the desert an injustice, make it smaller. For now, I'm going to leave it at this. I'm revisiting the Vision Quest in my heart, I may revisit it here down the line. Watch for more to come. 


For more information regarding Animas Valley Institute, who I chose to do my quest with, visit www.animas.org.

Redefining Home

I spent a few hours tonight cleaning the house I'm living in for the winter. Afterwards I went for a short walk and was filled with the image of the apartment I moved out of in the fall of 2010. I took the image further and imagined laying on my bed, the feel of my comforter that took months to pick out underneath me. I imagined C cooking in the kitchen, friends coming and going or, more often than not, myself sitting alone in the living room, the old hardwood floors not much different than where I live now,in my favorite chair with a book or a journal. Of course my dog Sage was with me then. She used to put her paws up on the window sill, which was the perfect height for her. She must have been pissed when my bike took residence under that window. That was the first place I made my own, when you walked in, you knew me a little better. My Mother and I even painted the walls. The color of my bedroom was Naughty Neutral, a purple/gray color. It proved to be quite fitting :)

I spent several months without a home this past year. I rarely slept in my car but I essentially lived out of it. I learned a lot about myself, staying at a different place every three to four nights. I slept in a child's bunk bed, an amazing house in the mountains feeding the birds and walking among the Aspen, I even slept in a horse trailer. In a way it was adventurous. "I don't know how you do it" others would say to me. I'm not sure either. There were days when I was in an incredible amount of pain and not knowing where I would sleep that night, hauling a bag around while my body was screaming at me. Those times were the hardest but there is a unique way of connecting with someone when they invite you into their home, into their everyday life.

I remember being in Peru when my friends were about to leave and I was a little freaked out because I didn't know where I was going to stay that night. "Wait a minute," I said, "this is no different than when I'm in Utah." With that thought, I realized there was no reason to worry and I 'moved into' a hostel later that day.

I'm so blessed to have a place to stay right now where I am comfortable and have just the right amount of support. In April I'll turn my basement room in for a tent, and the five diamond hotel I currently work at for a farm. A year ago as I was getting ready for my Vision Quest, the idea of camping for twelve days was a little daunting. Now I'll be camping for six months, no doubt gaining an even greater understanding of the word home.

Stories of Stories

Lately I find myself turning to my journals and its almost like picking up the phone and calling a good friend. Writing has always been a large part of my journey yet even today as I read what I wrote only a few weeks ago, I am sometimes surprised at my words and the eloquence around them. There is also a knowing behind them, a truth.

Last year I would wake up in the morning, set a timer for fifteen minutes and write my "pages" as I called it, writing down my stream of consciousness. I would write whatever came up for me. I'm not sure what I wrote about, I've not gone back to read this journal. I am sure that sometimes I simply wrote about the weather and there were other times I would have profound insights. Either way it was a good way for me to sort through my thoughts, release them, or simply send my wishes out into the universe.

I have kept a dream journal which is difficult for me to be consistent with, especially when I was moving around a lot. It started on the Vision Quest and every night I would sleep with my journal next to me and a pen inside of it with my owl feather in the pocket of my tent because owl feathers are known to reveal secrets. I find that it helps to make a conscious decision before I go to sleep to write my dreams down once I wake. When I lived in San Diego, D and I used to share our dreams with each other, we were both keeping a dream journal, and I found that helped me get back into the habbit because I had someone to answer to. I find if I don't write them down I have a hard time remember and sometimes I'll wake up thinking "Damn, there was something I was supposed to remember from the dream world and I can't quite put my finger on it."

In Peru , my journal served as a trusty companion. I picked it out especially for the trip since I had finished my current journal just as I was leaving. I love it when I write in the last page at a perfect time of transition. I was attracted to a small book with a celtic design. I wrote so much in Peru there were times when my hand would ache. One day I was walking with my journal tucked into my vest and it fell down a drain. Luckily it was dry down there and to the astonishment of the Policia that helped me get it open, I crawled down into the street to retrieve it. Good times.

Funny, as I finish this blog I have been writing in the last of my Peruvian/Celtic journal. For me, the end of a journal represents a closure of sorts of stories that I will always take with me that are also somehow ending. I will share a couple of entries from this book now:

October 15th

There is a new confidence about me. How could there not be? I followed my heart here which is exactly where I needed to be. I am trusting my Self. As we were walking off the mountain today, my gait felt strong. I felt beautiful and confident and, I don't know.....charged somehow.

October 17th

I feel surprisingly unattached to much of anything or anyone right now. I guess you could say unattached to any story. It feels different, so light. In a way, I am just beginning my life.

Yesterday we were at the Temple of the Ancient Ones (I'm not sure of the Quechuan name). As I knelt at the beautiful altar there I was surprised at the grief that came up. As I placed my elbows and forehead against the rock, tears arose and when I finally pulled myself away I notice the stain of one of my tears. N wanted to know why, who and how the site was created. As far as I'm concerned, it may as well have been created for me in that moment.

Be Earth Now

Yes, it feels good to be here and my senses could not be happier :) I have visited so many sacred places with incredible energy. I've been through huge shifts and it's been crazy to see the events of the past to come together, especially during a four day intensive with Theo and Pepe. The last night of the intensive was especially powerful. I was able to turn towards something that I had buried deep inside of myself and in turning towards this I was able to let go and experience love greater that i could ever imagine. I feel back inside my Self with a clear head and grateful heart. Grateful to have paid attention to my link to Peru, the vision quest and so much more, not knowing why but trusting what I could not see. My heart is full, my stance is strong and I feel my Self moving into the next phase of life with strength, beauty and knowing. I have re-membered.

Some of you may be more interested in what I've seen here although to me this trip is more about feeling and experiences. Some of the highlights have been Cachora and three children that I absolutely fell in love with, along with the land there. I've been to Machu Picchu, Pisaq, Ollantaytambo and Moray. I visited the sacred mountain Ausungate and witnessed the most beautiful Dispacho (prayer to the Earth). I've discharged and recharged through sacred Apus and rocks. I've lived, loved and laughed with new friends and old.

Some asked when I left the states if I thought I was coming back. Yes, I will return, but different somehow. No, not different, but the person that I've been hiding from. The person I was meant to be. When i think back on my journey, I'm reminded of a few lines in a poem by Rilke: You are not surprised at the force of the storm, you have seen it growing. It wants to sink back into the source of everything. Be Earth now and evensong.


Onto a Vast Plain
Rainer Maria Rilke

You are not surprised at the force of the storm—
you have seen it growing.
The trees flee. Their flight
sets the boulevards streaming. And you know:
he whom they flee is the one
you move toward. All your senses
sing him, as you stand at the window.

The weeks stood still in summer.
The trees' blood rose. Now you feel
it wants to sink back
into the source of everything. You thought
you could trust that power
when you plucked the fruit:
now it becomes a riddle again 
and you again a stranger.

Summer was like your house: you knew
where each thing stood.
Now you must go out into your heart
as onto a vast plain. Now
the immense loneliness begins.

The days go numb, the wind
sucks the world from your senses like withered leaves.

Through the empty branches the sky remains.
It is what you have.
Be earth now, and evensong.
Be the ground lying under that sky.
Be modest now, like a thing
ripened until it is real,
so that he who began it all
can feel you when he reaches for you.

The Year in Stories - Life as a Wanderer Part II

......Continued from previous post.

On the Road

As I prepared for the vision quest, I packed Baby Blue to the hilt and hit the road. I took a couple of days to drive to California, camping at the Valley of Fire. I have learned to love camping by myself. Wandering the land, making salmon and rice on my little back packing stove, building a fire (which I have yet to master).

Once I arrived in San Diego, I was blessed to be able to take a week or so to nurture my Self at the ocean and in a beautiful home, preparing emotionally and spirtually for the Vision Quest. As I drove towards Anza Borrego, which is an incredibly beautiful drive through mountains and desert, I felt strong, confident, and knowing that this journey I was about to embark on was meant for me. Driving this same road back to the city thirteen days later somehow took hours longer. I felt a strength and knowing that I had never felt before and at the same time I was overwhelmed by traffic and fuel centers and could not help but stared at that silly game that you feed money and attempt to grab a stuffed animal with an impossible claw. How do I show up in this crazy world?!

I spent some more time in San Diego before hitting the road. I don't remember much of this time, coming out of the Vision Quest was like waking from a profound dream. Somewhat foggy and somehow changed. I remember going to see The Cave Singers perform at the Casbah. It was an incredible show and although I went by myself I felt connected to the music, the movement, and the people around me. It's difficult to put into words but my way of being with Other's had shifted. I've always been sensitive but I was very aware of the energy around me. Another memory that comes up from that time is going out for taco tuesday in Ocean Beach with a friend of mine from the vision quest who was also spending time in San Diego with her younger brother. I remember being in this crazy crowded bar full of young people, much cooler than myself, waiting for our tacos. Suddenly had a really strong urge to pull my journal out of my bag and start writing. (Journaling was a huge part of the VQ, I had it with me constantly and filled pages and pages.) I fought the urge, and instead gawked in amazement at the scene around me.

I left California for Utah sometime around the end of March. I took a different route that I normally do, up through Arizona for a change in scenery. I took my time. I really do love being on the road. Camping added a lot to the experience. It was so simple. Only a couple changes of clothes, few options of what to eat. After spending thirteen days camping in Anza Borrego, I had a system down. I spent time on the land, camping in Oak Creek Canyon above Sedona, tending the fire and reading Siddartha, wandering around confused by city in Flagstaff until I finally settled in at a kitchy little coffee shop to catch up on email. As I drove I talked to myself, and I talked to Audrey, the same friend from the VQ I hung out with in San Diego. I pulled over at my favorite rest stop/overlook in Northern Arizona to talk with her about how our reintigration into the "real world" was going. I did not have much contact with my people in Utah during this time. I was not sure what to say about what I had been through. Looking back on it now, I was afraid of rejection. I had left as X and was coming back as Y, I did not know what Other's role in my life would be. It scared me.

I'll never forget camping at Navajo National Monument. There was nothing extremely signifgant about it but it was one of the best nights of my life. It was about fifteen miles from the highway and I was literally the only person in the entire park. The season had not yet begun, not even a park ranger was there. It was absolutely beautiful and cold and a little intimidating to be there alone. As the sun went down and the tempature dropped, I did not feel a lone. I felt connected. Connected to the Earth, to the animals around me that I could hear but not see. I felt a part of the beauty that surrounded me.

I was headed to Moab, Utah to run a half marathon. Again, driving into Moab I was overcome with emotion. If you've never been, Moab and surrounding area is one of the most mysterious, magical deserts I've ever been to, and I would imagine in the world. Although I've spent a lot of time there, the time I spent in Moab this past spring was different. I spent over a week there and really fell in love with the area allthough I'd been there many times before. Being in a different place spiritually really opened my eyes to the land. After the race, I moved slowy and really took in my surroundings. I explored areas I've never been before, both in the desert and in my heart. I watched the weather, touched the sandstone, listened to the river. I saw my Self in another's eyes. I was entirely present and time fell away. It didn't matter. I could have stayed and I wanted to and I asked. The answer I got was not now.

Stay tuned for Part III

The Year in Stories - Life as a Wanderer Part I

Shaking things Up

Approximately a year ago I left my job of ten years not knowing or much caring what was next but knowing that I was unfulfilled and longing for...what? I had some savings, paid out vacation and a cleaning job at which I made a few hundred dollars a month. I sold most of my furniture, had a yard sale and donated much of what was left. (Two of my friends currently have some of my things in their houses and my clothes in their closets from that time.)

With a flood of emotion I moved out of the only apartment I ever really called home. I had carefully chosen the paint and the decor. One could walk in and instantly have an idea of who I was. I loved being there alone with Sage or throwing parties with friends from different backgrounds that might not normally come together if they were not bound by me. When I walked in for the last time, this place that I loved and lived was empty except for my beloved dog and bike, and I completely broke down. My beautiful neighbor helped me smudge the place and overcome with grief, I walked away from all that I had worked for.

Going Inward

The next several months were a time of great reflextion and beginning to really look at my Self in a way that I had previously been afraid to. It was a time of severance. Letting go of old beliefs about that did not service my Soul. Getting to know my Self without the label "depression" over my head. Welcoming my "loyal soldiers" home, thanking them for protecting me and giving them new orders. I read books, wrote pages and pages in my journal, and dove into my work with my spiritual mentor, Nancy. I began to see an incredible Naturopath, Dr. Babbie Lester and she helped me get off of anti-depressants with acupuncture, a strict diet and some NLP work. I mostly lived with my brother and every other weekend and once during the week I stayed with my friends the MacGregor's. Our friendship flourished as well as other relationships such as that with my mother and a friendship with someone I had dated and fallen in love with the previous year. Surprisingly, there were other friendships that began dissapate. This was very difficult for me. I had never had such a large network of friends as I had that year and it was with their support that I found the strength to make some of the decisions I had made. How could some of them not understand what I was doing? Not only that but be scared of me and my path? But I had to accept that at that time, I didn't have anything to learn from these people and they had nothing to receive from me. I did not have a job but I was doing the most important work of my life.

Vision Quest
My life was going in a new direction and all of this was great but what was I going to do with it? What was my purpose? As I was crying out for direction to a woman that has played an integral role in my journey mentioned Vision Quest and directed me to go out and get the book "Soulcraft" by Bill Plotkin, and to start reading it now. I did and wow did it speak to me. As I read about the art of being lost and searching for your one unique gift and finding that gift through nature I fell in love with this book and new that I would do my Vision Quest with Animas Valley Institute.

My particular Vision Quest took place in the Anza Borrego desert of California. This was a sacred, profound time in a sacred place full of sharing, more severance, ceremony, cultivating my relationship with the Earth, and knowing. I spent 12 days in the desert with fourteen beautiful people that I was blessed to get to know in a very profound way. Four of those days consisted of a fast and solo out on the land. It was amazing to see how all the work that I had done, without knowing, was in preparation for the Vision Quest. Not just any Vision Quest, but this particular Vision Quest, with these particular people in that particular time and on that particular land. You've witness bits and pits of it here and I myself only understand glimpes of it now but I believe over time I will begin to understand it more. I have also noticed recently that I as I step further into my authentic self, I feel inspired to share more about my Vision Quest. If you ever have questions, feel free to ask.

To be continued.........

Shiny Things

I must say I am feeling somewhat desperate. I have committed to the grief, it has been difficult to stay present with it. It is hard not to attach my stories to the grief. My body is in so much pain, it hurts to sit still as much as it hurts to move. I was hoping the grieving would release some of this but I woke up hurting more this morning than I did yesterday. I want to use what I have learned to get through this but it is getting harder to remember the tools I have acquired. At times I know that my people are with me and that I am connected to the Earth and there are other times that I feel lost and scared and completely alone.

Yesterday at the ocean I remembered a time in February that I was running on the beach. I believe it was a day or two before the vision quest. As I was running I kept getting distracted by the beauty of the waves and I finally gave in and began to play in them like a child. I was overwhelmed with a sense of love and light that I have never experienced before. I told this story during the first vision quest council and described it as falling in love with my Self. I was the love and the light I felt that day. I have to remember that I am still Love and Light, although I can't currently run or play, and at times the grief seems to overwhelm me. I am of the Earth. That is why I am here, grieving now.

A friend of mine told me of a village where they honor their grief daily and their tears are known as jade beads that make things shine. I give my jade beads to the Earth. So I am asking you, when you see shiny things like leaves glimmering in the sun or a raindrop on a blade of grass, think of me and my tears and help me remember that we are connected and I am not alone. Maybe even give a jade bead of your own.

Release

I've been cultivating my relationship with grief. I would not have chosen these lessons for myself right now as I am stepping into this new life but apparently there is more work to be done in regards to my understanding of depression and sorrow. I have lived with depression most of my life. Last year I went off of antidepressants. I was able to do this with the skills I learned in psychotherapy, spiritual work and naturopathic treatment. I have been doing great and feel a lot less foggy now that I am no longer taking Prozac or anything of the like.

To my surprise, feelings of hopelessness and despair began to creep up these last couple of weeks. I had been warned that some of my old "stuff" would come up post vision quest but this has been rough. On top of the emotional pain, I have been in a lot of physical pain as well. I have had muscle aches and soreness and a hunger and thirst that can't seem to get satisfied. I began to wish that I could turn back the clock and was almost angry at my Self for leaving my "normal" life behind even though deep down I know it was not fulfilling. I have been near tears constantly, it was showing up at my new job and I have been unable to explore this city because of the physical pain. "What do you want?", I asked the sorrow and the pain. It has taken me a while to begin to get answers but this is what I've come up with so far:

I need to live grief in order to know it. Depression is the suppression of grief, or any feelings for that matter. So, instead of trying so hard to fight it or to "get better" I am letting my Self feel the grief, love it and thank it for it's lessons and it's beauty. I will not insult it by masking it with prescriptions. I'm not even sure what or whom I am grieving for, it doesn't really matter. I need to understand the workings of depression in order to help others. I've lived it but never quite understood. I believe that the pain is here to make sure that I know. The vision quest brought a lot to the surface but as one of my fellow questers said recently, the vision quest was the easy part. As I go forward I have to fully understand my stories in order to share my gifts.

I found something yesterday that I wrote in my journal on the vision quest, shortly after my solo:

Release

There is a story full of weeping and horror
Know the story
More importantly know the thing you call pain
and the thing you call suffering
Live it
LOVE it
Let the wealth of it flow in you and be grateful for it every day
Love the Other's
Remember that time is not of importance
If you have one wish let it be Release
If you cry no more something is lost
Always Release
Open the gate, be the Others
Remember Grand Mother is there to hold you

re-membering

This morning I picked “The World is a Waiting Lover” and began to read it from the beginning. I did not realize that the author, Trebbe Johnson, is a guide for AVI, the organization I chose to do my vision quest with. The first chapter recounts parts of a vision quest she was guiding on, specifically the morning that the questers returned from their solo after three days and three nights. As I was reading I was immediately taken back to the morning I returned from my solo. My skin darkened, my hair unkempt, and I am certain, a wildness in my eyes, I stumbled into base camp and although I hadn’t eaten for four days, I felt stronger that morning that I have for weeks in this time space as I fill my body with toxins and my mind with egocentric thoughts. Coming off the solo really was like waking from a dream and I continued in this state for at least several days.

My new friends, fellow questers and guides, had been there to welcome me back from my time alone. I fell into their embrace and saw my Self reflected in their wild eyes. I did not care to share words with them that morning, did not know how, only hugs, tears, laughter and energy. After four miraculous days without food I hesitated to ingest anything, it seemed so foreign to me. As I read about it this morning I could still recall the taste of the avocado I was fed along with a root vegetable I can’t recall the name of, all sprinkled with lemon juice and salt. Nothing so simple ever tasted so good.

I have hardly vocalized to any human beings what happened those two weeks in the desert, particularly what took place on my solo. To do so would somehow do an injustice to the experience but you may begin to see bits and pieces of it here in my blog. I will tell you now that I danced under the stars, spent hours naked in the sun and was shown just as much overwhelmingly painful grief as I was shown indescribable love.

I drove out to Julian last weekend, a small mountain in Southern California. I could not believe how fast the clouds were moving. I hoped that the clouds over my heart would move as quickly.

It was stormy when a friend and I drove through the same town in March when we were coming back from the vision quest. We stopped in Julian at the coffee shop there and ended up spending three hours talking and journaling as the storm outside ensued. It had been so daunting to return to the city. We had so much in our hearts and felt that the world was opening up to us. But at the same time, both of us were uncertain of how we would relate to other's in our lives, if they would be receptive to the changes that had occurred in us. Neither my friend nor I even knew where we would live in the coming days and months. I knew that I was different but I did not know how that would change the way I walked in this world. It’s no wonder I was scared. The reintegration has been far from easy for me especially since I have come off the road after weeks of traveling and landed in a new place, getting to know this new me. I have been tired and physically unwell but I am continually reminded to be gentle with my Self and to trust Mystery.

It is easy to recall the strength I felt during and coming off of the vision quest so I know that strength is still there and that I may find it just below the surface. As I buried my feet in the sand at the ocean the other day and let the waves crash against me, I felt strong again. Soon there will come a time when I can find that strength in my Self anywhere.