The Year in Stories - Life as a Wanderer Part I

Shaking things Up

Approximately a year ago I left my job of ten years not knowing or much caring what was next but knowing that I was unfulfilled and longing for...what? I had some savings, paid out vacation and a cleaning job at which I made a few hundred dollars a month. I sold most of my furniture, had a yard sale and donated much of what was left. (Two of my friends currently have some of my things in their houses and my clothes in their closets from that time.)

With a flood of emotion I moved out of the only apartment I ever really called home. I had carefully chosen the paint and the decor. One could walk in and instantly have an idea of who I was. I loved being there alone with Sage or throwing parties with friends from different backgrounds that might not normally come together if they were not bound by me. When I walked in for the last time, this place that I loved and lived was empty except for my beloved dog and bike, and I completely broke down. My beautiful neighbor helped me smudge the place and overcome with grief, I walked away from all that I had worked for.

Going Inward

The next several months were a time of great reflextion and beginning to really look at my Self in a way that I had previously been afraid to. It was a time of severance. Letting go of old beliefs about that did not service my Soul. Getting to know my Self without the label "depression" over my head. Welcoming my "loyal soldiers" home, thanking them for protecting me and giving them new orders. I read books, wrote pages and pages in my journal, and dove into my work with my spiritual mentor, Nancy. I began to see an incredible Naturopath, Dr. Babbie Lester and she helped me get off of anti-depressants with acupuncture, a strict diet and some NLP work. I mostly lived with my brother and every other weekend and once during the week I stayed with my friends the MacGregor's. Our friendship flourished as well as other relationships such as that with my mother and a friendship with someone I had dated and fallen in love with the previous year. Surprisingly, there were other friendships that began dissapate. This was very difficult for me. I had never had such a large network of friends as I had that year and it was with their support that I found the strength to make some of the decisions I had made. How could some of them not understand what I was doing? Not only that but be scared of me and my path? But I had to accept that at that time, I didn't have anything to learn from these people and they had nothing to receive from me. I did not have a job but I was doing the most important work of my life.

Vision Quest
My life was going in a new direction and all of this was great but what was I going to do with it? What was my purpose? As I was crying out for direction to a woman that has played an integral role in my journey mentioned Vision Quest and directed me to go out and get the book "Soulcraft" by Bill Plotkin, and to start reading it now. I did and wow did it speak to me. As I read about the art of being lost and searching for your one unique gift and finding that gift through nature I fell in love with this book and new that I would do my Vision Quest with Animas Valley Institute.

My particular Vision Quest took place in the Anza Borrego desert of California. This was a sacred, profound time in a sacred place full of sharing, more severance, ceremony, cultivating my relationship with the Earth, and knowing. I spent 12 days in the desert with fourteen beautiful people that I was blessed to get to know in a very profound way. Four of those days consisted of a fast and solo out on the land. It was amazing to see how all the work that I had done, without knowing, was in preparation for the Vision Quest. Not just any Vision Quest, but this particular Vision Quest, with these particular people in that particular time and on that particular land. You've witness bits and pits of it here and I myself only understand glimpes of it now but I believe over time I will begin to understand it more. I have also noticed recently that I as I step further into my authentic self, I feel inspired to share more about my Vision Quest. If you ever have questions, feel free to ask.

To be continued.........

Anti Feelings?

Anti Depressents

I've avoided the topic as it takes some of us out of our comfort zones including myself because in the past I have not been one to be controversial (this seems to be changing daily).  I am not going to write about anti depressants because I am against them or because I "don't believe in them". I am not suggesting that they have not brought hope to those who have none or that they have not saved lives, including the lives of some of my loved ones. I write about anti depressants because they have been and continue to be a large part of my journey, and an important one.

I took anti depressants for almost ten straight years. Before that, I had taken them at different times in my youth, mostly when I was in the hospital being treated for a drug addiction at seventeen.  I had suffered from what society would label as depression for most of my life and although I had accepted that label I fought going on medication until I was about twenty or twenty one. I did not want to be dependent on drugs. Maybe I didn't want to bury whatever was aching inside of me so badly. But I was so scared to turn towards it. I didn't know what "it" was but I knew it was dark, ugly and terrifying. It was me and I feared that I couldn't get out of it. Yes, there were many times in my life when I wanted to die. Would I have done anything serious about it? You don't have to ask that question, I'm still here.

I did not feel capable of living a "normal" life. So I filled the scrip, I put on the mask. Looking back on it now, I didn't want the life I had been living. The life I myself had created based on what I had been taught to believe, directly and indirectly by "normal" society. I hid behind a mask called Paxil and Welbrutrin. I began to do things only one behind a mask could do. When those masks stopped covering my face I traded them in for Prozac. Last year a shift occurred. I felt a great longing for my Self. Not without deep contemplation, and to the dismay of my friends and family and help from other friends and family, as my journey became a more soulful one, I slowly removed the mask.

It has not been easy, looking at my Self in the mirror without it. It has not been easy to surrender to emotions as they come up. I'll admit that there have been times when I have questioned my decision to be essentially drug free, when I wonder if I can do this with out my chemical romance. There was also a time in my life when I didn't think I could do this without cigarettes either, and I seemed to have survived. Many have advised me to go back on medication, including my western medical doctor who was almost insistent. I'll admit, I almost gave in to others doubts. Can I do this without the help of medication? Do I even want to try anymore? I cried out in desperation and the answer came to me simply, yes. Move forward, continue your work. Turn towards whatever comes up.

As I was actually contemplating going back on meds, even after all the hard work I've done, I came upon this very courageous article by Chris Norris in the Men's Journal (trust me, not something I read regularly). It's called "Medicated Me" or "My Chemical Romance".

"I had a choice: I could re-mask those icebergs with the chemicals I’d just gotten off or I could learn to navigate around them or shrink them to manageable size. I would discover new strengths, while I slowly found my way out of this years-coming crisis. The work would be painful, scary, and challenging but could eventually yield the kind of true personal growth that sustains a lifetime."

http://chrisnorriswordsandmusic.com/pages/stories/medicated.php

*I would never reccomend that any of my readers discontinue medication especially without doing so gradually with the help of a physiscian. I made this decision after three consistent years of psychotherapy and took several months to wein myself off of the medication. I had the assistance of a naturopath who put me on a very strict diet and regualar accupuncture and NLP. I would never have taken such a big step without a very strong support system.

Release

I've been cultivating my relationship with grief. I would not have chosen these lessons for myself right now as I am stepping into this new life but apparently there is more work to be done in regards to my understanding of depression and sorrow. I have lived with depression most of my life. Last year I went off of antidepressants. I was able to do this with the skills I learned in psychotherapy, spiritual work and naturopathic treatment. I have been doing great and feel a lot less foggy now that I am no longer taking Prozac or anything of the like.

To my surprise, feelings of hopelessness and despair began to creep up these last couple of weeks. I had been warned that some of my old "stuff" would come up post vision quest but this has been rough. On top of the emotional pain, I have been in a lot of physical pain as well. I have had muscle aches and soreness and a hunger and thirst that can't seem to get satisfied. I began to wish that I could turn back the clock and was almost angry at my Self for leaving my "normal" life behind even though deep down I know it was not fulfilling. I have been near tears constantly, it was showing up at my new job and I have been unable to explore this city because of the physical pain. "What do you want?", I asked the sorrow and the pain. It has taken me a while to begin to get answers but this is what I've come up with so far:

I need to live grief in order to know it. Depression is the suppression of grief, or any feelings for that matter. So, instead of trying so hard to fight it or to "get better" I am letting my Self feel the grief, love it and thank it for it's lessons and it's beauty. I will not insult it by masking it with prescriptions. I'm not even sure what or whom I am grieving for, it doesn't really matter. I need to understand the workings of depression in order to help others. I've lived it but never quite understood. I believe that the pain is here to make sure that I know. The vision quest brought a lot to the surface but as one of my fellow questers said recently, the vision quest was the easy part. As I go forward I have to fully understand my stories in order to share my gifts.

I found something yesterday that I wrote in my journal on the vision quest, shortly after my solo:

Release

There is a story full of weeping and horror
Know the story
More importantly know the thing you call pain
and the thing you call suffering
Live it
LOVE it
Let the wealth of it flow in you and be grateful for it every day
Love the Other's
Remember that time is not of importance
If you have one wish let it be Release
If you cry no more something is lost
Always Release
Open the gate, be the Others
Remember Grand Mother is there to hold you

The Guest House

I've dedicated myself to feel and to live my Truths. The truth is that I cannot feel content all of the time. No one can. The truth is, I woke up this afternoon, after sleeping for twelve hours, and I felt sad. No, sad doesn't really cover it. I felt overwhelmed with grief, near hysteria. And I'm proud of myself because instead of burying these feelings or attempting to distract myself from them I lived the grief and the sorrow and I fucking cried. I cried inside and outside and I cried as I walked to the coffee shop and I cried as I flipped through The Essential Rumi. Of course the poem I opened up to was The Guest House:

This being human is a guest house,
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of it's furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

So I invited the sorrow in even though I didn't really want it here. I welcomed it, I entertained it but I also wanted to know why. What do you want from me? I asked. I didn't like the answer I got....rest. "That's ridiculous," I told a friend. "What good does that do? I'm not doing enough! Rest, hah!" I like to argue with the answers I get. But if I'm not willing to listen why ask? So I will take some time and I'll rest. I'll reintegrate and get my footing in this place and in this time space. I'll pull back the reins on my soul work for a minute because my Self cried out for rest. I'm grateful that I was able to pay attention even if it took a few hours to really listen.