Take Care

There's is a beautiful rainstorm going on outside as I type I am listening to it pound against the pavement and I am filled with my favorite scent - thunderstorm! I am having a me night. I go through these major shifts emotionally and I'm beginning to learn the importance of being gentle around these times. Like a lot of us, my instinct is to push through, keep going, what's next, let me have it! And in leaping ahead to the next step it's almost as though I forget to take something with me and I get off balance. I'm learning to take care.

We get upset when our partner doesn't compliment us regularly or when our friends don't call to check in or when boss doesn't give us the pat on the back that we know we deserve. So why don't we demand these things of ourselves?! Tonight, I'm demanding self compassion and self love. I'm setting aside my list of things to do. I took a bath, I made myself a good meal had a glass of wine. I'm coloring in my new book of power Mandalas (which I must say is suprisingly relaxing!) and I'm going to go to bed early with a clear mind.

On a bit of a side note, I've been complaining a little bit lately that I "just want somewhere to be". It's occurred to me tonight that although I don't currently have a quote on quote home right now of course I have somewhere to be and I'm so blessed! Right now I'm sitting in a beautiful loft overlooking a great city and as I look outside there's a goddamn rainbow (of course there is). I was able to spend last week with my best friends who are so much fun to be around. I have many places to be and I'm vowing to everyday be grateful for that.

I have a couple of friends in mind as I write this blog tonight who have been through some major shifts and have experienced some grief, whether through a death of a person or a destruction of a belief or a shift in perception. Remember my friends, as I have been reminded time and time again, be gentle with yourself, give your Self all the time in the world it you need to grieve or praise or to just be. Love your Self enough to take care.

Filling in the Blanks

City Weekly Horoscope:

"Fill in the blanks, Taurus. Don't let the blanks remain vacant and barren any longer. Don't allow them to keep screaming at you with their accusatory silence. Just fill in the freaking blanks with whatever you've got to fill them with - with your best guesses and borrowed mojo, with any miscellaneous material you have at hand. I realize you may be tempted to wait around for a supposedly more ideal moment. but I'm here to tell you that this is as ideal as it gets. So please express the hell out of yourself in the empty spaces, my dear; create yourself anew in the void - however imporvisation or inexact it might feel."

I love this and needed to hear it. I've faced up to some of my most difficult "stuff" this past week. It's never been so hard to be authentic yet in being authentic I have experinenced a HUGE shift. So it is time to start filling in the blanks. When I switched my focus to my soul work a year ago I had no idea who I wanted to be and only snapshots of what my ideal life might look like. My perception has since expanded. My ideas about this life, about self and Mystery are different. Now I know what I want the foundation to look like, it's time to start building with the how, where and what.  I have faith that it will come together as long as I think with my heart and remember who I am. I'm scared and I don't expect it to be easy but I go forward knowing, learning and growing.

“It’s about choices. If you see Life as a miraculous journey it will take you to amazing places. It’s also about recognising that feelings are the language of the soul and honouring the wisdom of those inner promptings – even if it means massive upheaval and a dramatic change of direction."
~Geoff Dalglish

no intervals

I've been avoiding the blog. This is my first entry all month. I've written emails to good friends, I've written a lot in my journal, I'm writing poetry. For some reason, okay a lot of reasons, when it comes to this thing, I've had writers block.

So here's a taste of what I've been thinking about....A Lot! Life experiences fall into two categories. Learning and fun. If you're lucky, you'll have some fun learning experiences. Sometimes I feel like I could use some more fun. The work, it's right there and that's what I've asked for. Family, relationships, love, sex, body, nature. It's there, all of my stuff and it comes in shades of black and white. And it's heavy. It's the stuff I've been avoiding but can hardly bare the weight of anymore. "So you think you're authentic?" The universe is challenging me. "See how this fits!" But isn't that all of us? Here we are trying our best, doing the work. Some of the stories are old. None of them matter unless I write them. I've got to start showing up. As Adrienne Rich remindes us in her poem Prespective Immigrants Please Note, "The door itself makes no promises. It is only a door."

Until I got here I was looking at this summer as an interval. Something to fill up the days and the bank account between the present and my next venture. This time is so much more than that. The work I'm doing now is more important than I may ever grasp. There are no intervals. There is only now.

I love reading my horoscope in City Weekly, Salt Lake City's free newspaper. Here is part of my horoscope for this week. I've been carrying around in my wallet.

""Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions", said seer Edgar Cayce. That's your thought for the week, Taurus. Not just in dreams, but in your waking life as well, you will be experiencing insights, hearing stories and getting messages that provide useful information for the crucial questions you have not yet framed, let alone posed."


Prospective Immigrants Please Note

Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through.


If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name.


Things look at you doubly
and you must look back
and let them happen.


If you do not go through
it is possible
to live worthily


to maintain your attitudes
to hold your position
to die bravely


but much will blind you,
much will evade you,
at what cost who knows?


The door itself
makes no promises.
It is only a door.

~Adrienne Rich