Remember Me?

The ocean causes my heart to sing and as the sea breeze kisses my skin I thank God that I'm alive. I dance among the waves, my body as fluid as your words. I long to dive in and let the vastness pull me under, but alas, I know I have more work to do and more love to know.

I find it curious that I have come back to such a place. This place that, not long ago, met my grief and did not let go. This city that rubbed me raw, worked me to the core, spun me around and spit me right back out. The ocean received my tears then, now she holds me in joy and light, bursting at the seams.

I return older, not so much with age but as one who holds the wisdom of grief and the knowledge of the courage that shines in love.

Loving the Unknown

As I stirred awake this morning it took me several moments to recognize that I am no longer in Salt Gulch. The slam of a drawer or door had me feeling confused. There is nothing that would make that sound in or around the tent I slept in for six and a half months. I was surprised by this confusion since it's actually been several days since I left the place I most recently knew to be home.

Although I am blessed to have a great place to stay, at the house of my brother and niece, I do miss living on the land. I miss the cry of coyote as I go to sleep, I miss the starlit sky and the birds come to life in the morning. Hell, I even miss peeing outside.

Even so, as I left the Salt Gulch and drove out of the town that I'm completely in love with, I knew it was time for me to step away, for however long, it's important for me to show up in the 'real world'. It's important for me to be able to show up anywhere. If I can't do that, then what have I done all of this work for? I must continue to walk the mystical path with practical feel.

Some of you have expressed curiosity as to where I am and what is coming up next for me. I am currently and temporarily in Salt Lake City. Tomorrow I will head to Park City for a few days. I'm looking forward to the workshop with Theo and my friends. I'm excited to continue to be in community with others that support me and have similar objectives.

As for what is next I do not know. I have some idea and I also know that I have some very important decisions to make. It is interesting to be with all of this and at the same time, coming out of an incredibly beautiful experience full of profound stories. So I maintain a trust in myself, a gentleness as I integrate. And although I'm not sure as to my next best step, whatever that is I will work to incorporate the things that I have learned. I must continue to live my gifts, to live with an open heart (as much as it hurts sometimes), and to live in authenticity. 

Thank you all for your concern, love and support.

Re-membering True Nature

I look up through the clouds
Reach my calloused hand toward the stars
Cause this life, it's no longer than my arm
Wind rushes through my veins, causing me to sway
All that's in my heart, can no longer be kept at bay

Six months flew by so quickly and may as well have been a lifetime. So many stories, I do not dare repeat for my heart is still digesting. As much as I love this place, it feels good to know that I will be stepping away soon, however briefly or long, knowing that I need to integrate and be with all that has gone on. At the same time, there is a sadness in the preparation. As I climbed the hill to my tent in the starlight, my heart welled up. Have you ever been held by place? I've been held here, as I dove deeper into living my gifts, into loving fully, into the path of re-membering.

I went to my sit spot this morning. The creek is unusually high, higher even than in the Spring. I remember I used to sit and listen to it gurgle, it seemed as though it was speaking to me. As I sat, I would listen intently to what it had to say. Water speaks without words. I felt comfort in listening this morning, the full creek sounding almost frantic, met the panic in my heart.

The season has been filled with dreams of incomplete circles, dreams of seeds. There are stories of Deer, Owl, Hawk and many more beings. My longing for community and deep connection was met here in profound ways, and helped me begin heal old wounds around community and rejection. New ways of loving. I wonder how we survive loving so many so fully in so many ways. I thank my heart for breaking open in such a way that has allowed me to experience such love, with all of the grief and joy that is wrapped up in such love.

I marvel at the many, amazing musicians I have come into contact with. Who knew, in such a small town? This land seems to call out to those with incredible talent. I've enjoyed many a campfire, barn dance, house concert or spontaneous ditty. What a blessing, to connect with others through music, to fully see and feel a performer. I thought of listing all of them here, but knew I would miss someone. Thank you all for sharing, you're an inspiration to me.

Of course there is the farm. Digging beds, planting seeds, building, laughing, arguing, pounding a hammer with frustration, delicately and lovingly placing seeds in the ground. Mimicking nature through patterns and observation.

Beautiful and grief ridden experiences processing animals, honoring them while doing so. Primitive pottery, medicinal herbs, sleeping in a cave, building fire.

All of these stories have brought with them bigger dreams, deeper knowing and greater responsibility. I could not possibly go out into the world and not share my gifts and what I have learned and remembered. I do not expect it to be easy, I've heard it said that living your gifts is not always living your bliss. It is however, what feeds my heart.

Melodic Days

I was doing some research for a performance theater I am taking part in and found a journal entry from this Summer:

June 28, 2012

The heat persists and seems to set me into slow motion. Afternoons spent in a daze, thoughts melodic yet incomplete. I can't help but take siesta at the hottest part of day, coming to life in the cool of night, re-membering through dance, love and laughter. Each morning I watch the sun rise with fascination, as my stiff hands unfold I ignore the idea that I may have arthritis. My feet are raw but try as I might I can only get myself to wear shoes for an hour or two. Even as I enjoy the quiet I wonder where the others have gone. I long to connect with my people and know that I would not find them all in the same place.
___

Although those few hot weeks experienced in early Summer have long since passed, this journal entry speaks to I am feeling right now. With the end of the Permaculture Design Course I feel as though I am coming out of a dream and once again I find myself in a melodic daze. Yesterday I slept for three hours in the afternoon and was ready for bed again at 8:30. Today as I worked to prepare the garden beds for winter, my body felt slow and heavy, thoughts scattered, love going out to the beautiful beings I was privileged to spend an intense and beautiful fourteen days with. Even half of the apprentices are gone, it's just me and the boys.

For a moment today I felt a strong desire to pack up and leave. So much has gone on here, so many stories and I think in knowing that I am not staying for the winter I felt like rushing the good bye. Then as I went to rehearsal and Yahel and I practiced our piece and I felt the intensity of it I was reminded that it is not time yet to pack up and stories will continue to unfold here in my favorite place. In gratitude I wind down for the night, continuing to ask for guidance and to maintain presence.