Practices and Peru

Wow. I am going to Peru at the end of the month. In my heart, I've known that I am going but it just became official last week. The Peru thing has  been such a journey for me already and the physical journey is over three weeks away. Oh my God, it's only three weeks away!

Here are some gifts that my journey with Peru has helped me remember and continue to put into practice.

• Don't be attached to the outcome. This has been a great one for me and takes a lot of practice. Peru started with a possible job offer that I was really excited about. Said job would incorporate my previous experience and fit the some of the criteria I had not even specified until job offer got put on hold. Which leads me to the next little pearl I've received from Peru.....
• I have a greater understanding what it is that I want. This is not necessarily something that Peru can take credit for but when the job offer seemed like it had fallen through a dear friend asked me what had attracted me to Peru. I listed off five or six things pretty quickly and realized, "Oh, this is exactly what I want to create". A year ago when I left my job I had know idea what that was. My life experience (particularly in the last year) has helped me to refine that list.
• It is okay to ask for help. This is an ongoing journey for me and I know it will continue to show up until I figure it out. I have the ability to make things happen and sometimes that consists of reaching out for support.
• Anything you can plan is too small. So I'm not planning a lot. The first two weeks in Peru will consist of "tours" with Theo, Nancy and some others. This will involve visiting archeological sites, ceremony, spiritual growth, and so much more yet to be discovered. For the second half of the trip I am on my own with only a place to stay and a small budget and pray that I will have the courage to open my heart to whatever is in store.  
• The present is the greatest gift we have. This goes along with with "anything you can plan....". No, I do not know what I'm going to do after Peru, although that was immediately where I went once my ticket was booked.  I've since pulled those reins in. It is so important that I be present with this in order to be open to the gifts that wait for me in Peru. I have a couple of ideas of what I'd like to do next but as I've learned, Mystery may have other plans. I know that I have a return ticket to Salt Lake City on November 4th although I have know idea where or what I'm returning to. This is how I've living my life the last year, not knowing specifics but trusting the path.
• Gratutitude. Thank you to those of you that have shown me love, support and trust in this. Trusting that this trip is an important part of my journey although I am not certain what it has in store for me other than I believe in my heart that it has an important role in cultivating my gifts. Specifically, thanks to Nancy, Dave, Blake and Steph for your outpouring of support. Also to my friends, old an new for your encouragement.

I'm scared but I know when the time comes I will step into this journey with strength of spirit and heart, thinking beautifully :)

With Gratitude

I go into this month full of gratitude. As I recognize my gratitude the tears well up. After a week of spiritual healing and growth I feel a strength inside of me and it is so good to be in that place. All of it, everything I need, love or want to create, it's all inside of me.

Of recent, I have known grief, and I've know the love that comes after grief. Big love. I've not had a home but have found home wherever I go, with new and old friends, family that I've loved and family that I'm just getting to know. Relationships have shifted and there has been loss. As difficult as this is, the shift in old relationships has made way for new ones. My body has been through a great shift, a detox of sorts and it has changed. It is softer and looks different and I'm starting to see my Self differently. There are no more secrets and in the place of secrets is strength and authenticity. I am loving in a way I had forgotten that I knew how. I have re-membered. Two of my favorite people have vowed to be partners today, two people that were always going to be together.

I am learning to work with my gifts. Many of them do not have a name. There are beautiful goings on around me. I know my name. A year ago I did not know what I wanted to be or even what I was walking away from. Now I know what I walk toward and I do so with my head held high and a spark in my eyes. "Pathmaker, there is no path. The path is made by walking."

The White Unicorn

A friend of mine that I've known for about ten years, who has also played the role of my pseudo boyfriend for a lot longer than I'd like to admit (an entirely different story), used to call me the white unicorn. The way he saw it, I was that girl who doesn't exist, too good to be true.  I was a hot climber chic with a road bike and a strong, independent woman. Oh, it would get to me when he would call me that. "But I do exist!" I would say to no one in particular, "I'm right here!". 

One day, after he'd called me this at least a dozen times I realized something that was interesting to admit....he was right. Not that I was "to good to be true" but in my own way I was inaccessible. I even had a speech that I handed out when necessary. The words changed depending on the recipient but the basic premise is the same and usually enough to keep another at arms length if not shove them away completely. I even said to one such suitor "I don't do sleep overs". I immediately thought "Really? Did I just say that?" Luckily we were good enough friends to have a good laugh about it. I was so afraid that I used the "speech" almost daily with someone I was really into. Our connection terrified me and I did everything to
push this person away. It worked.

We have all experienced heartache, I know I am not special in that regard. I've come to realize that this has very little to do with my inability to fall in love. This is only one way my fear of having an open heart has manifested itself. After all Love is so much bigger than romantic partners or even family members. Love encompasses everything, we only have to recognize this. In my fear I had forgotten this. In my love for my Self and Other's I have re-membered.

Anti Feelings?

Anti Depressents

I've avoided the topic as it takes some of us out of our comfort zones including myself because in the past I have not been one to be controversial (this seems to be changing daily).  I am not going to write about anti depressants because I am against them or because I "don't believe in them". I am not suggesting that they have not brought hope to those who have none or that they have not saved lives, including the lives of some of my loved ones. I write about anti depressants because they have been and continue to be a large part of my journey, and an important one.

I took anti depressants for almost ten straight years. Before that, I had taken them at different times in my youth, mostly when I was in the hospital being treated for a drug addiction at seventeen.  I had suffered from what society would label as depression for most of my life and although I had accepted that label I fought going on medication until I was about twenty or twenty one. I did not want to be dependent on drugs. Maybe I didn't want to bury whatever was aching inside of me so badly. But I was so scared to turn towards it. I didn't know what "it" was but I knew it was dark, ugly and terrifying. It was me and I feared that I couldn't get out of it. Yes, there were many times in my life when I wanted to die. Would I have done anything serious about it? You don't have to ask that question, I'm still here.

I did not feel capable of living a "normal" life. So I filled the scrip, I put on the mask. Looking back on it now, I didn't want the life I had been living. The life I myself had created based on what I had been taught to believe, directly and indirectly by "normal" society. I hid behind a mask called Paxil and Welbrutrin. I began to do things only one behind a mask could do. When those masks stopped covering my face I traded them in for Prozac. Last year a shift occurred. I felt a great longing for my Self. Not without deep contemplation, and to the dismay of my friends and family and help from other friends and family, as my journey became a more soulful one, I slowly removed the mask.

It has not been easy, looking at my Self in the mirror without it. It has not been easy to surrender to emotions as they come up. I'll admit that there have been times when I have questioned my decision to be essentially drug free, when I wonder if I can do this with out my chemical romance. There was also a time in my life when I didn't think I could do this without cigarettes either, and I seemed to have survived. Many have advised me to go back on medication, including my western medical doctor who was almost insistent. I'll admit, I almost gave in to others doubts. Can I do this without the help of medication? Do I even want to try anymore? I cried out in desperation and the answer came to me simply, yes. Move forward, continue your work. Turn towards whatever comes up.

As I was actually contemplating going back on meds, even after all the hard work I've done, I came upon this very courageous article by Chris Norris in the Men's Journal (trust me, not something I read regularly). It's called "Medicated Me" or "My Chemical Romance".

"I had a choice: I could re-mask those icebergs with the chemicals I’d just gotten off or I could learn to navigate around them or shrink them to manageable size. I would discover new strengths, while I slowly found my way out of this years-coming crisis. The work would be painful, scary, and challenging but could eventually yield the kind of true personal growth that sustains a lifetime."

http://chrisnorriswordsandmusic.com/pages/stories/medicated.php

*I would never reccomend that any of my readers discontinue medication especially without doing so gradually with the help of a physiscian. I made this decision after three consistent years of psychotherapy and took several months to wein myself off of the medication. I had the assistance of a naturopath who put me on a very strict diet and regualar accupuncture and NLP. I would never have taken such a big step without a very strong support system.

Take Care

There's is a beautiful rainstorm going on outside as I type I am listening to it pound against the pavement and I am filled with my favorite scent - thunderstorm! I am having a me night. I go through these major shifts emotionally and I'm beginning to learn the importance of being gentle around these times. Like a lot of us, my instinct is to push through, keep going, what's next, let me have it! And in leaping ahead to the next step it's almost as though I forget to take something with me and I get off balance. I'm learning to take care.

We get upset when our partner doesn't compliment us regularly or when our friends don't call to check in or when boss doesn't give us the pat on the back that we know we deserve. So why don't we demand these things of ourselves?! Tonight, I'm demanding self compassion and self love. I'm setting aside my list of things to do. I took a bath, I made myself a good meal had a glass of wine. I'm coloring in my new book of power Mandalas (which I must say is suprisingly relaxing!) and I'm going to go to bed early with a clear mind.

On a bit of a side note, I've been complaining a little bit lately that I "just want somewhere to be". It's occurred to me tonight that although I don't currently have a quote on quote home right now of course I have somewhere to be and I'm so blessed! Right now I'm sitting in a beautiful loft overlooking a great city and as I look outside there's a goddamn rainbow (of course there is). I was able to spend last week with my best friends who are so much fun to be around. I have many places to be and I'm vowing to everyday be grateful for that.

I have a couple of friends in mind as I write this blog tonight who have been through some major shifts and have experienced some grief, whether through a death of a person or a destruction of a belief or a shift in perception. Remember my friends, as I have been reminded time and time again, be gentle with yourself, give your Self all the time in the world it you need to grieve or praise or to just be. Love your Self enough to take care.

Filling in the Blanks

City Weekly Horoscope:

"Fill in the blanks, Taurus. Don't let the blanks remain vacant and barren any longer. Don't allow them to keep screaming at you with their accusatory silence. Just fill in the freaking blanks with whatever you've got to fill them with - with your best guesses and borrowed mojo, with any miscellaneous material you have at hand. I realize you may be tempted to wait around for a supposedly more ideal moment. but I'm here to tell you that this is as ideal as it gets. So please express the hell out of yourself in the empty spaces, my dear; create yourself anew in the void - however imporvisation or inexact it might feel."

I love this and needed to hear it. I've faced up to some of my most difficult "stuff" this past week. It's never been so hard to be authentic yet in being authentic I have experinenced a HUGE shift. So it is time to start filling in the blanks. When I switched my focus to my soul work a year ago I had no idea who I wanted to be and only snapshots of what my ideal life might look like. My perception has since expanded. My ideas about this life, about self and Mystery are different. Now I know what I want the foundation to look like, it's time to start building with the how, where and what.  I have faith that it will come together as long as I think with my heart and remember who I am. I'm scared and I don't expect it to be easy but I go forward knowing, learning and growing.

“It’s about choices. If you see Life as a miraculous journey it will take you to amazing places. It’s also about recognising that feelings are the language of the soul and honouring the wisdom of those inner promptings – even if it means massive upheaval and a dramatic change of direction."
~Geoff Dalglish

no intervals

I've been avoiding the blog. This is my first entry all month. I've written emails to good friends, I've written a lot in my journal, I'm writing poetry. For some reason, okay a lot of reasons, when it comes to this thing, I've had writers block.

So here's a taste of what I've been thinking about....A Lot! Life experiences fall into two categories. Learning and fun. If you're lucky, you'll have some fun learning experiences. Sometimes I feel like I could use some more fun. The work, it's right there and that's what I've asked for. Family, relationships, love, sex, body, nature. It's there, all of my stuff and it comes in shades of black and white. And it's heavy. It's the stuff I've been avoiding but can hardly bare the weight of anymore. "So you think you're authentic?" The universe is challenging me. "See how this fits!" But isn't that all of us? Here we are trying our best, doing the work. Some of the stories are old. None of them matter unless I write them. I've got to start showing up. As Adrienne Rich remindes us in her poem Prespective Immigrants Please Note, "The door itself makes no promises. It is only a door."

Until I got here I was looking at this summer as an interval. Something to fill up the days and the bank account between the present and my next venture. This time is so much more than that. The work I'm doing now is more important than I may ever grasp. There are no intervals. There is only now.

I love reading my horoscope in City Weekly, Salt Lake City's free newspaper. Here is part of my horoscope for this week. I've been carrying around in my wallet.

""Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions", said seer Edgar Cayce. That's your thought for the week, Taurus. Not just in dreams, but in your waking life as well, you will be experiencing insights, hearing stories and getting messages that provide useful information for the crucial questions you have not yet framed, let alone posed."


Prospective Immigrants Please Note

Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through.


If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name.


Things look at you doubly
and you must look back
and let them happen.


If you do not go through
it is possible
to live worthily


to maintain your attitudes
to hold your position
to die bravely


but much will blind you,
much will evade you,
at what cost who knows?


The door itself
makes no promises.
It is only a door.

~Adrienne Rich