Musings from 2011

At what point did we lose the conversation?
The one without the glitz and the glamor
When did the melody become difficult to hear?
You need to understand this!

Let’s be people who deserve to be loved. Who are worthy. Cause we are worthy, we really are!

I’m afraid what will happen when this hits the air...

I’ve been feeling lately, maybe I’m more resilient than I thought
~


She feels like home.
In all of her magnificence and mystery
She feels like coming home.

She travels alone.
Images, they all seem to blend together.
She understands that there is a reason,
Like a secret no one knows.

And admittedly, she herself is not even sure.
She wanders in acceptance, alone but hardly lonely.

~

 “The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.”
-David Orr,  Earth in Mind

Rest with me, my weary child
Let your bones go limp and
your heart grow tired

There will be no moon tonight
Open not your sleepy eyes
Believe me there is no more fight

If I gathered you up like kindle
for the fire
Would you not tend to my flame?
My wants and desires?
~


I don’t consider myself an unreasonable person, except for when it comes to romantic love. There seemed to be nothing I could do to stop the attraction, as much as it didn’t make sense.  We don’t touch, that’s what lovers would do. When we’re together we can keep our hands off each other. He’s never paid me a compliment. When he says I am beautiful I believe him.
~

                          If I’m not depressed, who am I? If I’m happy, who am I???

Distant

Who do you think is going to  walk through that door?
The key to your destiny? Doubtful.
You're next one night stand?
Slightly more probable.
An unknowing piece in the puzzle you call your journey?
Could be.

What makes you the fortunate one?
Who are you to be any different than them?
You are.
Different that is.
You are a fly on the wall.
They are participants.
They only speak of crazy.
You are it!
They avoid, you embrace the void.


Why must they knock on the door?
And why do you walk,
scratch that,
run away?
If you must hold onto your darkness then devour it,
become it,
live it.

On Romance

Someone recently said to me, "The world doesn't need another relationship that's been done before." This is good news, cause I'm no good at those relationships. But seriously, this really resonated with me. I have been so blessed in love in my life. Years ago, when I married a man I was not in love with, I was terrified that I would never be in love again. It's almost humorous to think of those fears now. I met with a friend of mine the other day and she said "So, anyone fallen in love with you lately?" Hah, very funny.

A constant theme for me in the past nine months has been walking away from romantic relationships and prospective partners in order to turn towards some other work or part of my journey as it comes up. It came to me the other day that in this, I am cultivating my relationship with longing, and in longing for an Other I am learning more about longing for Mystery and for Soul, for Divine. I know that as I am growing an learning and my heart is aligning there may be someone standing before me in the same space and time and.....and what? Probably not a relationship in a traditional sense, who am I kidding, but I would love to have someone to explore a different kind of relationship. One based on energy and feeling and exploration of Soul. .

I was at the mall the (which has turned into one of my absolute LEAST favorite places to be) and I saw a guy that I had an affair with years ago on an adventure in the desert. It was a beautiful experience, although brief, we had an incredible connection, talking and laughing, maybe even crying and being our young, raw, vulnerable selves. It was beautiful and it did not last, nor did I expect it to. But I did not forget the time we spent together. So I saw this person, walking with his partner and their baby and he had this incredibly serene look on his face. He was happy, content and this made me happy. I was not longing for the life he had or the life I did not have with him. I felt content to have shared a few moments with an incredible human being an see my Self through his eyes.

I guess it ultimately goes back to  showing up for these moments although there may be heartache and loss but a greater chance of an opening, a lasting friendship, or if I'm lucky, a poem.

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lover's don't finally meet somewhere
They're in each other all along

~Rumi

Teacher to Teacher

I did not make any new years resolutions. Last month, I began a practice of setting intentions on every new moon, and releasing every full moon. I think setting intentions monthly does not call for any shallow ambitions to be made January 1st, most likely unrealized or unpracticed by February only to be brought up again or even forgotten by next year.  I will practice being gentle with my Self, an ongoing practice too significant for 2012 alone. A friend of mine mentioned that she likes to pick a word for the year. I like this and picked two today: Gratitude and Amazement.

This week alone a good word for me is humility as I cling onto old habits. One particular habit that I did not, until recently, know that I had any chance of going back too. Even as I write tonight I'm listening to a heart wrenching Cat Power song and finding comfort in the grief that resonates through the melody. But, being gentle, I'm giving myself permission to listen to sad songs for an hour or so. Winter is a time of turning inward and I am so in it. But I did not choose to do my work because I thought it would be easy and it certainly isn't as I go even deeper. I have no regrets.

Back to the gratitude part. I am so grateful for and in awe of the incredible teachers that have shown up in my life. I was working with one such teacher tonight who has become very dear to me. We dug into my past. There's more?! Of course there's more. But before we started he asked in what ways I thought I affected him. I thought about it for a moment. "Laughter", I answered. "And tenderness. You can be kind of a hard ass and I am somehow able to get past that, bring out your gentle side." We moved onto to the work but thinking about this later, I was amazed. One of the intentions I set during my last ceremony was to be shown ways to bring my gifts into this world. I forget sometimes (okay often times) that I am always sharing my gifts, although they are sometimes subtle and I can be to stubborn to see. I also recognized that this teacher was saying you teach me.

One doesn't have to work with a Shaman or a mentor to have teachers. A teacher may take the form of a lover, a friend, an enemy or a bird in the wild or someone that has gone before us. Once I opened myself up to being taught I began to realize that we are all teachers, yes, including me. 

This year at Christmas

There have been several people who have said things to me like "I want your life!" You want my what? or "I wish I could do what you do." You wish you could....do what exactly? What is it that I do? Or maybe, what is that I don't do, that others would rather not. Well, I don't answer to anyone. I make decisions, seemingly big decisions based on.....based on my heart. Based on a knowing that exists there. Based on nothing else. Decisions that don't necessarily make sense logistically but that make sense in a way of the world, of the Earth, and of my Self.

And there are times, when, yes I'll admit, I've been terrified. Had no money, not expecting to have any, anytime soon and then boom, from somewhere comes, something. Not a check, actually sometimes a check or a job or a dinner or a place to be. And I answer to my Self, which may be harder, in my case, than answering to someone else. A friend recently admitted to me that he does not like feeling vulnerable. My response was "I feel vulnerable everyday!" It's true. I do and I absolutely love it. I'm vulnerable in love, in hope in this guessing game of high risk when really, I've nothing to lose.

There are tears, excitement, anxiety and laughter. Mostly at myself. At this life I've created that I sometimes call incredible and sometimes others call ridiculous. A life where I know, even through the pain, that magic happens. As I sit here, alone on Christmas Eve I know that you can do this life that I do, have the freedom that I have. There is nothing to regret, nothing to hold onto and everywhere to be. To be right here, right now. Am I waiting for what's next? No. I am here, still terrified, still knowing and still loving with all that I am, all that I have been.

Merry Christmas.

And I'll Take Yours

Follow up to previous post "Take My Hand".

It seemed ironic that I just finished writing about reaching out for support and tonight I'm feeling something relating to the topic, but something I don't feel (or allow myself to feel) often. It's like a test, Mystery saying, "Oh Yeah, will you really reach out?" I suppose tonight the answer is not really, but sharing is a start, right?  As hard as it is for me to admit, even to myself, I find myself wanting to be...drum roll please....taken care of. I'm a strong, independent woman, and have been for a long time. I love this about myself, in the world of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", although I've had my rough spots, I fill those boots well.

For tonight I'm tired. I've been working hard and a lot. Today was day nine for me and I still have four more to go. Nothing to crazy but when my health is not a hundred percent, I don't know, I'm just tired. I would love for someone to be here, maybe make me soup and tuck me into bed, laugh with me or tell me stories. Listen to mine. Someone to hold me and to be held. To my ego self it sounds weak and futile to want for such ridiculous things, for a ridiculous someone. But in this place of surrender, I will surrender to the wanting, at least for tonight, and ask my Self, "What are you really longing for? What companionship are you lacking in your self?" And another part of me will cut myself a little slack. And as I pour my self a cup of tea, tuck my self into bed, and read my self a story, I'll let my Self long for You.
 

Goodnight.

Take My Hand

I've noticed, particularly since my return to the states, an outpouring of support and love and am struck by the importance of community and family during this important time of shifting and re-membering.  I use these terms, family and community, very loosely as my current "community" is spread out all over the place right now and "family" has a much broader sense than it used to for me.

I've never had a tendency to reach out to others for help or support, especially in the times that I've needed it most. This morning, once again, I was exactly where I needed to be, connecting with my body in a way that allowed something very powerful to move through me. It is no coincidence that my body, that has been experiencing a lot of discomfort, was the catalyst for a huge release for me today. As grief (which is becoming like an old friend) swelled up inside I was able to let it out in a space that two incredibly strong, brave women held for me, unafraid of me or my grief. In their love, I was able to surrender. (December 12, 2011)

Afterwards as I was integrating and trying to show up in the world at the same time, or at work really, and struggling through the day a friend of mine who is in a different country did some work with me via Skype and I felt so much better. The next day, my friend  had asked me how I was doing since we had held a fire ceremony together (the ceremony that brought on the release) and I was able to convey my story to her and feel support from her, through that sharing.

My mentor looked at me quizzically recently in the way that she does and said to me, "You have a lot of clout with your friends right now and it's really important for you to share your stories with them." I am so blessed to have so many others to share with, to love with, and to witness. Thank you for receiving me with love.

Storyteller

Illumination

Lately I see my path laid out before me, at least for the next year or so. Also aware that anything I can plan is too small and sometimes Mystery has other things in store. For the past several months, the following is a prayer I carry with me daily:

I open my heart and soul to the truth, and ask that my life's journey be illuminated before me.  I ask for the wisdom to see, even in the darkness of life's challenges, and the ability to manifest my true path.

(Through this mantra I have also come to understand that my gift to the world involves helping others illuminate their own path!)

I've been surprised at the power of this statement, wrapped up in all of it's simplicity.  And it goes back to paying attention. When I do (pay attention) my journey really is illuminated before me, in very subtle and not so subtle ways.  I have a very clear picture of what I would like the next year to look like which can be very exciting for a wanderer such as myself. I know what I want and I also know that it could change and that could be okay too. Most of the time......

Then today I was suddenly and unexpectedly consumed with the "how" and none of my plans seemed to make any sense to me logistically and it seemed really important for them too. "I could opt out", I even thought. What?! Opt out? And do what? I'm sure there are plenty of other things I could do besides drop out of normal society and live on a farm for six months, cultivating the land and my gifts. I tried to come up with other things, I could go to Peru now rather than later, I could go to another different country altogether and finally do some humanitarian work. Even taking the money I make this winter and going out on the road seemed more realistic to me than the farm. I could stay here and pursue the informal job offer I received the other day. But whatever I came up with, seemed empty, made me feel empty.

Then I began to question the validity of other things I'd like to do right now. What am I thinking wanting to play the guitar? I haven't played any kind of instrument for 20+ years and I was not good at it then! How can I learn Spanish with out paying a lot of money for a class, money that I could save up for the summer and on and on. Catching myself before all of this got to out of control, I pulled the reigns in. How much of this has to do with the how and finances and how much of it has to do with the work I've been doing around not being good enough? At what point am I going to really trust my Self, trust Mystery, when I have been shown time and time again that my intuition will take me exactly to where I need to be in one way or another.

I know what I'm working towards. As I work toward this goal, things will take care of themselves, regardless of how I see them unfolding now. Right now, in this moment I have all of that and so much right here.

I had the funniest conversation the other day with a women I've worked with and known since 1999. She has always been incredibly forthright and when I ran into in the employee cafeteria she had not changed. "Don't you want a reall job?" She had asked me in her Chinese accent. "Your very different aren't you? Most people get a real job so they have a steady income." "Yes my friend, I am very different." "Don't you date?" Was her next question, Wow, that shifted quick. "Once in a while", I responded, laughing out loud now. "Yes I"m very different."