Take Care

There's is a beautiful rainstorm going on outside as I type I am listening to it pound against the pavement and I am filled with my favorite scent - thunderstorm! I am having a me night. I go through these major shifts emotionally and I'm beginning to learn the importance of being gentle around these times. Like a lot of us, my instinct is to push through, keep going, what's next, let me have it! And in leaping ahead to the next step it's almost as though I forget to take something with me and I get off balance. I'm learning to take care.

We get upset when our partner doesn't compliment us regularly or when our friends don't call to check in or when boss doesn't give us the pat on the back that we know we deserve. So why don't we demand these things of ourselves?! Tonight, I'm demanding self compassion and self love. I'm setting aside my list of things to do. I took a bath, I made myself a good meal had a glass of wine. I'm coloring in my new book of power Mandalas (which I must say is suprisingly relaxing!) and I'm going to go to bed early with a clear mind.

On a bit of a side note, I've been complaining a little bit lately that I "just want somewhere to be". It's occurred to me tonight that although I don't currently have a quote on quote home right now of course I have somewhere to be and I'm so blessed! Right now I'm sitting in a beautiful loft overlooking a great city and as I look outside there's a goddamn rainbow (of course there is). I was able to spend last week with my best friends who are so much fun to be around. I have many places to be and I'm vowing to everyday be grateful for that.

I have a couple of friends in mind as I write this blog tonight who have been through some major shifts and have experienced some grief, whether through a death of a person or a destruction of a belief or a shift in perception. Remember my friends, as I have been reminded time and time again, be gentle with yourself, give your Self all the time in the world it you need to grieve or praise or to just be. Love your Self enough to take care.

Filling in the Blanks

City Weekly Horoscope:

"Fill in the blanks, Taurus. Don't let the blanks remain vacant and barren any longer. Don't allow them to keep screaming at you with their accusatory silence. Just fill in the freaking blanks with whatever you've got to fill them with - with your best guesses and borrowed mojo, with any miscellaneous material you have at hand. I realize you may be tempted to wait around for a supposedly more ideal moment. but I'm here to tell you that this is as ideal as it gets. So please express the hell out of yourself in the empty spaces, my dear; create yourself anew in the void - however imporvisation or inexact it might feel."

I love this and needed to hear it. I've faced up to some of my most difficult "stuff" this past week. It's never been so hard to be authentic yet in being authentic I have experinenced a HUGE shift. So it is time to start filling in the blanks. When I switched my focus to my soul work a year ago I had no idea who I wanted to be and only snapshots of what my ideal life might look like. My perception has since expanded. My ideas about this life, about self and Mystery are different. Now I know what I want the foundation to look like, it's time to start building with the how, where and what.  I have faith that it will come together as long as I think with my heart and remember who I am. I'm scared and I don't expect it to be easy but I go forward knowing, learning and growing.

“It’s about choices. If you see Life as a miraculous journey it will take you to amazing places. It’s also about recognising that feelings are the language of the soul and honouring the wisdom of those inner promptings – even if it means massive upheaval and a dramatic change of direction."
~Geoff Dalglish

no intervals

I've been avoiding the blog. This is my first entry all month. I've written emails to good friends, I've written a lot in my journal, I'm writing poetry. For some reason, okay a lot of reasons, when it comes to this thing, I've had writers block.

So here's a taste of what I've been thinking about....A Lot! Life experiences fall into two categories. Learning and fun. If you're lucky, you'll have some fun learning experiences. Sometimes I feel like I could use some more fun. The work, it's right there and that's what I've asked for. Family, relationships, love, sex, body, nature. It's there, all of my stuff and it comes in shades of black and white. And it's heavy. It's the stuff I've been avoiding but can hardly bare the weight of anymore. "So you think you're authentic?" The universe is challenging me. "See how this fits!" But isn't that all of us? Here we are trying our best, doing the work. Some of the stories are old. None of them matter unless I write them. I've got to start showing up. As Adrienne Rich remindes us in her poem Prespective Immigrants Please Note, "The door itself makes no promises. It is only a door."

Until I got here I was looking at this summer as an interval. Something to fill up the days and the bank account between the present and my next venture. This time is so much more than that. The work I'm doing now is more important than I may ever grasp. There are no intervals. There is only now.

I love reading my horoscope in City Weekly, Salt Lake City's free newspaper. Here is part of my horoscope for this week. I've been carrying around in my wallet.

""Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions", said seer Edgar Cayce. That's your thought for the week, Taurus. Not just in dreams, but in your waking life as well, you will be experiencing insights, hearing stories and getting messages that provide useful information for the crucial questions you have not yet framed, let alone posed."


Prospective Immigrants Please Note

Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through.


If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name.


Things look at you doubly
and you must look back
and let them happen.


If you do not go through
it is possible
to live worthily


to maintain your attitudes
to hold your position
to die bravely


but much will blind you,
much will evade you,
at what cost who knows?


The door itself
makes no promises.
It is only a door.

~Adrienne Rich

the dictaphone

I spent a significant amount of time on the road a few months ago. God it was fun, I love being on the road. I had the whole camping thing down and was super organized. I loved the simplicity of it, only a couple changes of clothes, two or three options of what to eat. And it was romantic in a way, just me and the highway, and at night, the squirrels and my book. There was one night I camped at Navajo National Monument in Arizona and there was literally no one else in the entire campground. It was exhilarating to be up there alone and at the same time calm and peaceful.

I felt very insightful on the road. I would ponder life and the ways of the world and Mystery. I had so many thoughts on the road that I couldn't keep up with so I went to Staples and bought a dictaphone. Of course I couldn't by a modern dictaphone where you can download straight to your computer. I was traveling on a budget! Yes, it's an old school dictaphone with mini cassette tapes. Cute!

I've had a rough time of it the last three or four days. There was a bump in the road, quite literally. I was rummaging through some of my things tonight and I came across said dictaphone and I hit play. I liked hearing my voice on those tapes. Although at times it quivered, there was a certain strength in her voice, this me from a few months ago. I was so....aligned then. I knew that I was of the universe and that everything was in it's place. I knew the Earth and I new my Self even though I had NO idea how life was about to unfold. A river guide friend of mine put it best when I met up with him on that trip. "You're in the Eddy", he had said, and I was.  Like I said, I had no idea then what was going to happen but I knew so much. I knew.

I was glad to hear her voice tonight, I needed that. I needed to remember that there is a knowing that I can't un-know even though at times I wish I could. The thing is, I asked to be re-membered, and I still belong to that voice I heard although so much has happened. It's okay to be in the eddy.

I wrote this around the same time of the mini tapes and I find it fitting right now:
--
I walk away
Holding my heart in my hands
Tenderly
For I know she is slightly bruised
And a little bit tired
Thanking her
Every step of the way
--
Tomorrow, once again I walk (or limp) away. And I'm reminded once again, to do so gently.

Good Day

I had a really good day today. Not your typical good day full of sunshine and roses. In fact it's quite dreary outside today. The idea that San Diego is constantly sunny and seventy degrees is not true. Okay it is usually seventy degrees but June is known for it's gloom here.

No it wasn't a day full of sunshine, certainly not a good hair day, I didn't even wake up to a great cup of coffee. In fact I wouldn't even call it an easy day. Once again my body is in pain. I spent an hour on the phone with the credit card company disputing a fraudulent charge. And really, my hair just doesn't look good today. But a good day nonetheless. Good because there's something going on inside of me. A shift of sorts. A shift in my body, a shift in my heart, a shift in Grandmother Earth that I am a part of. I had a really intense massage. My therapist could feel it to. He said that he could feel something moving around in my heart space. Moving around so much that he could feel it vibrating. I am grateful to those around me who have the strength and the knowing to witness this shift and to those who help facilitate it. We are all connected.

There is a lot going on in my heart. It is a journey for me to be true to what is there. A small part of me is against the shift, doesn't want to change and would rather get caught up in things that don't hold any significance and take the easier road. A bigger part of me wants to turn towards the shift, say yes to it and all of it's love, pain and mystery. Take the higher, harder road. As I write about saying yes the sun that I haven't seen all day shines through the stain glass window of the Ideal Hotel where I sit and creates a burst of light. More shiny things. My tears created this moment!

There is a quote that I'm going to butcher here because I don't have it in front of me but it says something about how it is not our darkness that we are afraid of but our light. I find this to be entirely true. I am familiar with my darkness, even friends with it. It is my light that I am discovering daily. It is the idea that I am powerful beyond measure that scares me, and still, I say yes. Yes to the shift, yes to the Earth and yes to a good day.

If

If I created a story how would it read?
Drama, rapture, climax, broken hearts?
If you were to die, what gifts would you leave?
Trust, grace, dignity, offspring?
If the Earth could speak what words would she form?
Betrayal, lies, fear, death?
Aren't all of our stories gifts of hope?
Earth's story is one of Love.
One of us. We are her and she is in us.
What medicine is in you to give back?

A Simple Ring

I bought a ring after I got divorced because it felt funny to not wear one after I took my wedding ring off. It's nothing special, I think I paid twenty dollars for it. It's a simple ring, sterling silver with a hammered finish. It could pass for a men's ring. I wear it on the ring finger on my right hand. I can't stop looking at it today. I take it off and look through it. A perfect, never ending circle. Although I've had it since 2005 I've not paid it much attention. A couple of years ago I left it in one of the camp showers at City of the Rocks. When I realized what I'd done an hour or so later, I ran back to the showers, praying it was there. It sat just above the soap dish. It's just a simple ring. I would miss it if I was gone.

Shiny things.