Feeling the Pull

I am sitting at Cafe Diablo in Torrey waiting for my lunch. My truck has brought me "up the mountain" as it needed a new starter. Fixed and ready to go, it touches a longing in me to get back on the road. As I laid down on the edge of Capital Reef, contemplating self and life, in and out of doziness, my desire to keep going increased; driving, listening, stopping when or wherever, living simply; just me and the highway like so many times before.

I find it incredibly interesting to watch this pull in myself and recognize the tension caused between craving for home and  and the sense of wander in me as a constant in not just one aspect of my life.  Fortunately and maybe not coincidentally I currently live in a place that touches both the wanderer in me (just minutes from my house it's easy to get lost amongst the sandstone) as well as the one who longs for community and place.

The question is, am I able to balance both? To step into home, community and deep connection, fighting the instinct to bolt from that which I want? I think so. I think I can find the equilibrium,  and it's time. Time to do the work, balance it with play and to stop handing out "the speech". As I commit to community theater, a new teacher and changes at work, I recognize myself shifting into summer, bringing me home or 'home for now'. All the while saying hello and goodbye to friends, old and new.

A friend of mine asked today “when does it get better?” I’ve been thinking about this a lot and what the answer is for me because it has gotten better,  and not due to circumstance or even environment. Nor can I say exactly when it happened, but it is better!

This is not to say that my heart doesn’t break regularly but that it breaks open in a way of beauty and trust. It doesn’t mean I understand why we’re apart, or that my body doesn't ache occasionally or that I know what to do with the anger that seems to have shown up after grief. Nor does it say that the desert wind doesn't seem like too much but sometimes.....and at other times, the breeze  that stirs the sagebrush, stirs my being in just the right way. It may mean than I am honing the practice of turning toward what is present for me, doing my best to live authentically and in integrity and letting "the soft animal of my body love what it loves".

-------

"Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Equality

In 2008, as I watched a pride flag fly in front of the world map engraved in the Mormon church office building amongst a sea of people, my heart swelled full of gratitude to be a part of such an important time in history. This image is imbedded in my mind even five years later as I read stories of both hate and love, around the arguments that have made their way to the supreme court, feeling gratitude still, as well as grief that we as a human race still find in necessary to even discuss marriage equality

With every year, nearly thirty three now, comes new insight, challenges and growth tied into my personal sexuality, yet never defined by it. In the past, I spent a long time attempting to redefine the way I love, to no avail. You see, I'm not gay, although not very straight . I love. I love short, tall, fat skinny, old, disabled, blonde, brunette, masculine, feminine, blonde, brunette, man and woman.

I love and I do so fully, regardless of past wounds, heartache, let alone gender. I was once married to a man, a relationship that did nothing for "protecting the sanctity of marriage". My current relationship is with a woman and is wrapped in beauty although it has it's challenges (i.e. long distance, overcoming fear, two extremely sensitive beings coming together), our relationship harms no one except maybe the feelings of my sweet, brave parents. Like I said, I've had my own struggle with self acceptance when I was young and even now I am not comfortable with the stares I may or may not be imaging that she and I receive when we are out together in public. Honestly, my biggest concern about the government recognizing our relationship is that she's Canadian and I'm American. So we have several lines to cross including boarder lines and equal signs.

This is just a little about a very small part of my journey with partnership, love and marriage. I have no idea if I will get married in the future and if I do so it will be merely to celebrate myself and whom I choose to love. It is also to say, let us be. Let us all be who we strive to be and treat one another equally, regardless of whom we fall in love with, how we decide to dress or to what or whom we pray to. We all deserve the same rights not as gay or straight, foreign or native, Christian or Agnostic, but as beings on this planet. Love is why we are here. Whether you or I love a man or a woman, are single or have a large family, let us strive to be better, to treat each other equally and with respect. I understand it is not about me personally, it is about all of us as a human race, striving to be the best we can be, to love in it's most raw form, to eat healthy real food that was meant to nourish us, not starve us of what we need most. Let us love in this manner as well, not only in marriage or relationship but in every day with every living being.

Remember to Listen

Without the sparkle in your eye, are you able to see as clearly?

I was in car accident last night. I won't go into to many details here but I did get hit more than once, the second time t-boned on my (the drivers) side. I am so blessed to not only have survived but to have done so with minimal injuries. Although as each hour post accident passes, I become more and more sore, barely able to open my mouth, overwhelmed with the trauma and the beauty of it all, I cry tears of gratitude along with tears of fear.

Minutes before the accident I thought to myself, "I don't feel it. I don't feel connected. I don't feel purpose. I can't feel mystery!" My heart cried out for the ability to listen, almost angrily. Moments later I'm spinning around the freeway like a top in slow motion and now, I have battle wounds on my warrior like face. I couldn't stop shaking, my mouth seemed to not stop bleeding. Shaking bleeding, laughing, crying, making friends along the way with one of my best friends by my side, I thought of my dear sweet love, of my life and the life I've yet to live.

Death is one of the few certainties in this life. Any of us could leave this world, at any moment. The car accident I experienced yesterday could have easily taken my life. I am not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of not living.
When I am not connecting I am not living. When I am not spending time in nature, I do not feel alive. When I am not helping others, I am empty. When I am not with her, I feel alone.

This is a difficult time. As my friend drove me home from the hospital, Owl flew out in front of us. Owl has been ever present in my life the past couple of years and has taught me so much, including the ability to see clearly in the darkness.

Love and Gratitude

Remember Me?

The ocean causes my heart to sing and as the sea breeze kisses my skin I thank God that I'm alive. I dance among the waves, my body as fluid as your words. I long to dive in and let the vastness pull me under, but alas, I know I have more work to do and more love to know.

I find it curious that I have come back to such a place. This place that, not long ago, met my grief and did not let go. This city that rubbed me raw, worked me to the core, spun me around and spit me right back out. The ocean received my tears then, now she holds me in joy and light, bursting at the seams.

I return older, not so much with age but as one who holds the wisdom of grief and the knowledge of the courage that shines in love.

Loving the Unknown

As I stirred awake this morning it took me several moments to recognize that I am no longer in Salt Gulch. The slam of a drawer or door had me feeling confused. There is nothing that would make that sound in or around the tent I slept in for six and a half months. I was surprised by this confusion since it's actually been several days since I left the place I most recently knew to be home.

Although I am blessed to have a great place to stay, at the house of my brother and niece, I do miss living on the land. I miss the cry of coyote as I go to sleep, I miss the starlit sky and the birds come to life in the morning. Hell, I even miss peeing outside.

Even so, as I left the Salt Gulch and drove out of the town that I'm completely in love with, I knew it was time for me to step away, for however long, it's important for me to show up in the 'real world'. It's important for me to be able to show up anywhere. If I can't do that, then what have I done all of this work for? I must continue to walk the mystical path with practical feel.

Some of you have expressed curiosity as to where I am and what is coming up next for me. I am currently and temporarily in Salt Lake City. Tomorrow I will head to Park City for a few days. I'm looking forward to the workshop with Theo and my friends. I'm excited to continue to be in community with others that support me and have similar objectives.

As for what is next I do not know. I have some idea and I also know that I have some very important decisions to make. It is interesting to be with all of this and at the same time, coming out of an incredibly beautiful experience full of profound stories. So I maintain a trust in myself, a gentleness as I integrate. And although I'm not sure as to my next best step, whatever that is I will work to incorporate the things that I have learned. I must continue to live my gifts, to live with an open heart (as much as it hurts sometimes), and to live in authenticity. 

Thank you all for your concern, love and support.

Re-membering True Nature

I look up through the clouds
Reach my calloused hand toward the stars
Cause this life, it's no longer than my arm
Wind rushes through my veins, causing me to sway
All that's in my heart, can no longer be kept at bay

Six months flew by so quickly and may as well have been a lifetime. So many stories, I do not dare repeat for my heart is still digesting. As much as I love this place, it feels good to know that I will be stepping away soon, however briefly or long, knowing that I need to integrate and be with all that has gone on. At the same time, there is a sadness in the preparation. As I climbed the hill to my tent in the starlight, my heart welled up. Have you ever been held by place? I've been held here, as I dove deeper into living my gifts, into loving fully, into the path of re-membering.

I went to my sit spot this morning. The creek is unusually high, higher even than in the Spring. I remember I used to sit and listen to it gurgle, it seemed as though it was speaking to me. As I sat, I would listen intently to what it had to say. Water speaks without words. I felt comfort in listening this morning, the full creek sounding almost frantic, met the panic in my heart.

The season has been filled with dreams of incomplete circles, dreams of seeds. There are stories of Deer, Owl, Hawk and many more beings. My longing for community and deep connection was met here in profound ways, and helped me begin heal old wounds around community and rejection. New ways of loving. I wonder how we survive loving so many so fully in so many ways. I thank my heart for breaking open in such a way that has allowed me to experience such love, with all of the grief and joy that is wrapped up in such love.

I marvel at the many, amazing musicians I have come into contact with. Who knew, in such a small town? This land seems to call out to those with incredible talent. I've enjoyed many a campfire, barn dance, house concert or spontaneous ditty. What a blessing, to connect with others through music, to fully see and feel a performer. I thought of listing all of them here, but knew I would miss someone. Thank you all for sharing, you're an inspiration to me.

Of course there is the farm. Digging beds, planting seeds, building, laughing, arguing, pounding a hammer with frustration, delicately and lovingly placing seeds in the ground. Mimicking nature through patterns and observation.

Beautiful and grief ridden experiences processing animals, honoring them while doing so. Primitive pottery, medicinal herbs, sleeping in a cave, building fire.

All of these stories have brought with them bigger dreams, deeper knowing and greater responsibility. I could not possibly go out into the world and not share my gifts and what I have learned and remembered. I do not expect it to be easy, I've heard it said that living your gifts is not always living your bliss. It is however, what feeds my heart.

Melodic Days

I was doing some research for a performance theater I am taking part in and found a journal entry from this Summer:

June 28, 2012

The heat persists and seems to set me into slow motion. Afternoons spent in a daze, thoughts melodic yet incomplete. I can't help but take siesta at the hottest part of day, coming to life in the cool of night, re-membering through dance, love and laughter. Each morning I watch the sun rise with fascination, as my stiff hands unfold I ignore the idea that I may have arthritis. My feet are raw but try as I might I can only get myself to wear shoes for an hour or two. Even as I enjoy the quiet I wonder where the others have gone. I long to connect with my people and know that I would not find them all in the same place.
___

Although those few hot weeks experienced in early Summer have long since passed, this journal entry speaks to I am feeling right now. With the end of the Permaculture Design Course I feel as though I am coming out of a dream and once again I find myself in a melodic daze. Yesterday I slept for three hours in the afternoon and was ready for bed again at 8:30. Today as I worked to prepare the garden beds for winter, my body felt slow and heavy, thoughts scattered, love going out to the beautiful beings I was privileged to spend an intense and beautiful fourteen days with. Even half of the apprentices are gone, it's just me and the boys.

For a moment today I felt a strong desire to pack up and leave. So much has gone on here, so many stories and I think in knowing that I am not staying for the winter I felt like rushing the good bye. Then as I went to rehearsal and Yahel and I practiced our piece and I felt the intensity of it I was reminded that it is not time yet to pack up and stories will continue to unfold here in my favorite place. In gratitude I wind down for the night, continuing to ask for guidance and to maintain presence.

See You Later

The season winds down and even as we welcome friends to the farm, the fresh Autumn air brings with it the resounding notes of good-bye or 'see you later' as my friends begin to trickle out. I spent some time in the arms of one such friend last night who is heading East for the winter to take care of his family. He has been a profound part of my journey and I his, both of us holding the awareness that through our brief connection, we left and imprint on each other and are both forever changed. Surprisingly, I did not feel sad for words not left unsaid or feelings unexplored, but a deep, deep gratitude for the Mystery, growth, and gifts of seeing this other and of being seen.

A favorite question I and the other apprentices at True Nature Farm get asked is "What are you doing next?" I've been asked this question before I even arrived here and I've got to admit, I still don't know the answer. Although there are options (Peru, Canada) I am feeling called to stay in the U.S. I don't know where or what that means and while I feel and can do great work anywhere, something that has come up for me a lot is that this land that I come from can use people like me in it.

I've been asking for guidance in this process, as I look for my 'next best step'. Besides the inclination to stay in the states, I'm not getting any definitive answers. I am however, making good connections with people who are interested in my skills and I am paying attention to wherever my heart leads me.

I long to further cultivate my gifts, to bring them to the people. Although I know I do so daily, in my own quiet ways, I seek to embody my gifts more fully and I know each day is a lesson in how to do that. 'Trust yourself and your experience', a new friend said as I shared my stories with here. 'Soon your gifts will become more tangible, more of this world that the "other" world,' a wise teacher said to me recently.

Admittedly, I am a little scared. A bigger part of me is so curious and excited to see where I will go next. I've been a similar place of transition many times over the past couple of years, you can see it here in my stories. Each time I trust and I'm getting better at it with the knowledge that the universe has always puts me where it needs me, just as I'm supposed to be at this course, with this teacher and with these beautiful people.

Best wishes on your journey, follow that thing in your heart that knows the way.

Re-Membering Grief and Love

There are many re-membered stories in which I explore my journey with romantic relationships and the role that they play in my life. In the real world, I tend to be shy about sharing these stories and even here, although I'm grateful to have this outlet to share them, I realize that I'm not entirely forthcoming and I do not always give these stories permission to be a part of my soul journey. I recognize how ridiculous this is, such love can be an incredible guide to soul. A romantic Other can play such a deep part in The Work, through reflection and mirroring and showing us our shadow (the part of us that we have buried, that longs to be seen). I know all of this, yet I continue to belittle such relationships, seeing them as silly or frivolous, not good enough to be a significant part of my journey. I've been confused about romance and the role it may or may not play in my life.

Last night I had a pretty big realization of the role such relationships have played in my life in the past. I have often times gone into relationships with a deep knowing that they will not last. Yet I continue down the path with an Other, knowing that the death of the relationship is inevitable. I am reading a manuscript that a friend lent me knowing about my intimate relationship with grief. I'm not even sure of the name of the book but when I picked it up last night, the words on the pages moved through me as they spoke of Love as a gateway into Grief. The words spoke of how nothing lasts and how, as much as we try to deny or ignore it, everything we love we lose. I was especially touched by a poem recited in the pages, by Eleh Ezkerah called "These We Remember".

'Tis a fearful thing

To love

What death can touch.

To love, to hope, to dream,

And oh, to lose.

A thing for fools, this

Love,

But a holy thing

To love what death can touch.

For your life has lived in me;

You laugh once lifted me;

You word was a gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy.

'Tis a human thing, love,

A holy thing,

To love

What death can touch.

~

In my search for love over the years, was I also seeking out grief? In the deeper parts of my Self did I know my grief was hidden, longing to be seen? In my own way, was I subconsciously bringing the grief to a boil through such relationships, knowing that the grief longed to spill over? As much beauty there was in love, there was the same amount of beauty in my experience with 'breaking up', the breaking open. I joke that I'm really good at breaking up, but it's true. I have had just as extraordinary experiences with the end of relationships as I have in coming together with another. I remember ending things with a woman I was dating for a significant amount of time and feeling closer to her on that day that I said good bye, than I had through out our entire relationship. Over the past year or two, as I've mentioned previously, I've had many experiences of walking away, saying good bye, in order to follow what was calling me. There has been so much substance to these good bye's, so much love and grief.

I'm not to surprised that I've not put this together before, although it's so simple. In my work with 'permission to love' I was not giving romantic love permission to be. I've talked of 'showing up' in relationship, although it is usually fleeting. I also talk of longing for a partner to share the beauty of this journey with. Could I be all talk? If previously, romantic heartache has equaled recognizable grief for me, now that I  have an intimate relationship with grief, where does that leave me in romantic relationships? Many have stood before me, and stand before me now, asking me to love them. At what point am I going to stop saying no? At what point am I going to stop walking, running, pushing others away?

I don't know, but I will continue to practice patience with myself and I'm pretty sure I'll continue to show up in love, (I can't help myself!) being a little more gentle with others and myself in love.

Crossroads

This life, I tell you, is so full of Love and Mystery. At times I feel as though my heart might overflow. I am in awe and confusion of how life has brought me to this place. A place of beauty and knowing and trust. Daily I live my truths, the truths that lay in the darkness and come alive in the light.

This morning, I headed into market to see some friends in town. So many beautiful people in this town and great friends in my life. I stand back and watch them interacting with each other, myself and with the stray kitten that is looking for a home. Afterwards Eden, Yahel and I went to my friend Mike's house to help him put up a huge new hoop house on his property.

I have fallen in love with this community, with this land. I'd like to say this is a surprise but somehow I sensed before I got here that I would be drawn to this place. I also (knowing that anything I can plan is too small) thought I may be going to South America after the apprenticeship is over. I feeling a little torn between these two places, although I know that I will create beauty and community wherever I go at this point. Both places are full of Mystery and wonder. Both are full of possibility and the ability to bring forth my gifts. One would take longer to create community, one may take longer to create family, but are these not the same - family and community? One would bring greater opportunity to make money - but this has come to mean less and less to me.

My heart knows, my head feels confused. And once again, living the question. Each day is so full.

Live the Question

The heat persists and seems to send me into slow motion. Afternoons are spent in a daze, my thoughts melodic yet incomplete. I can’t help but take siesta in the warmest part of the day and come to life in the cool of night, re-membered through dance, love, laughter and longing.

Each morning I watch the sunrise with fascination. As my stiff hand unfolds I ignore the idea that I may have arthritis. My feet are raw and worn but try as I might, I can only bring myself to wear shoes for more than an hour or two. Even as I enjoy the quiet I wonder where the others have gone. I long to connect with my people and am confused by the fact that I could never find them all in one place.

The question that lives in my heart daily: How can I bring my gifts to the world? My not so tangible but ever important gifts. I long to work with others in my unique way, through my understanding of grief and the love that comes with it.

I recognize that it takes a special other to really see me and I am both proud and saddened by this knowing. Is there a time coming that we as humans will recognize each other, no longer afraid of our true nature that exists with nature? Who recognizes themselves in me today? I think of you often, do you think of me? It feels selfish to ask. 

I attempt to conceal myself with old habits and question my place when I look at my depleting bank account. I’m in love with this town and an other in a faraway place. I’m curious to see where my heart will lead and taking in every beautiful moment along the way.

If there is heaviness in my words it comes from these living questions. If there is joy, it comes from the courage of an open heart.

Relationship with Moon

I'm thinking about my relationship with the dear Luna (the moon). It began to intensify for me the last night of the intensive in Peru when the Shaman I was working with in ceremony took me outside and said to me, "Look at the moon, look at Padreo (the sacred mountain) and be grateful." The moon was full and magnificent that night and I was full of gratitude for it and am still. Just hours later, after ceremony, some of us went back outside and the sky was covered with clouds. But still, that evening began a new journey for the moon and I without my knowing it at the time.

Several weeks later, back in Salt Lake City, my housemate at the time suggested that we start doing ceremony together. We decided on doing fire ceremony around the moon cycle. On the new moon setting intentions and on the full moon transforming the energy around things we wanted to let go of. These ceremonies were very powerful for both us, with the energy of the moon, the fire, the directions and each other. I love watching my intentions grow with the moon and feeling my energy rise as the moon becomes full and with it a longing to release.

In the city, I feel tension with the growing full moon, but as I no longer carry the burden of the city life with me, I've come to feed off this energy and accept it more fully into my heart. Living in a tent, the moon has a different energy for me as there is nothing blocking my perception of it. I am certainly more aware of it, with no other light pollution. I rarely use a headlamp on the short trek up to my tent and I feel grateful for the energy of it's light a few nights before the full moon as much as I feel gratitude when it is only a sliver and my senses are more aware as I feel my way over the rocks and through the trees.

On the most recent new moon, I was in Moab with some new friends, two brothers whom I immediately felt a connection with. I was surprised at how much I opened up to them in a very short amount of time. On the night of the new moon, it was my job to get the fire going as they were preparing dinner. As I was tending the fire, I had the idea to invite the boys to do a new moon ceremony with me. Although they come from a certain religious faith, they were both open to participating in ceremony. I felt so blessed and humbled to conduct the ceremony and it was very moving for each of us.

Now, in this community I am living in, full moon is time for women's council. Last month I sat in circle with some incredibly strong beautiful women and this council feels like the beginning of something powerful, full of love, trust and hope.

I wrote a poem when I was a teenager that I recited by heart at a Kirtan I attended recently. I changed a few of the words to fill the poem with hope and I would like to share it here.

~
The moonlight burns my eyes
As if it were the Sun
Stars wrap me up in arms
As if I'm the only one

I know a secret not spoken
The dreamer has begun
Stars wrap me up in arms
I am
The Only One

Shifting

It's interesting, showing up with grief in community. As I've said several times since my arrival to Salt Gulch, my heart just might break open here. It has. This is the space, this is the time. Grief does not come daily but regularly. I have grown to recognize the beauty in it without attaching any other name. Hiking down to a canyon the other day, I wept at it's magnificence. The sandstone walls heard my cry and the creek below received my tears. The land never rejects me. As I waded through the waters I felt alive and strong in my Self.

Last week I found myself longing for companionship. To be held in the arms of an Other, to feel a gentle touch or look that only lovers share. It's an interesting time for this to come up as I am living in a small community of eight. The greater community of Boulder town which is about twenty minutes away, doesn't leave a lot of room for romantic interest with it's booming population of two hundred. There is a special someone I share a deep connection with who is thousands of miles away. Since I do not have phone service, my case, for now at least, could easily be seen as hopeless. But hell, you never know. I honor my longing as I honor my grief. In this dry season I am learning new ways to connect with others in love.

For months now, I have had the feeling that I am moving into the next phase of my life. Since coming to the farm, this feeling has increased exponentially. The seeds that I planted (literally and figuratively) in Anza Borrego are coming to life. In order for this to take place, seeds first have to die. I was thinking about my own impending death the other day. Sounds morbid I know but I do not feel that if I were to die tomorrow, there is nothing that is going to keep me from dieing in peace. The next day, death on mind, but birth. The birth of a child, a bird, a plant. I have had a few, incredibly intense experiences in the last month or so with animal processing. Although very intense for me, these close encounters with the cycle of life have been very moving for me and played a large role in my process.  As I move into this next phase of life, I am well aware of a death of sorts taking place. The death of old ways of being and belonging to this world, saying yes and birthing my gifts as they begin to manifest. I know that some of my recent grief is intertwined with this shifting, and through that grief I am honoring the Wanderer inside of me.

Part of me feels a great need for a human mentor right now. Although I have many teachers it occurred I long for the support of someone who I can sit face to face with, who understand. At the same time, I feel I am stepping into an Elder role myself and I need to first look inside for the leader. Just as I was asking for a mentor, I had a beautiful conversation with a friend of mine at the farmers market yesterday about this shift and my gifts and she understood.

For now, the farm is my mentor, and the land my lover. Last night, I gathered around the fire with new friends, good music and food. This morning I milked Dolly the goat, one of my favorite activities. Last week, we built a beautiful cob/stone oven. I loved fitting the stone together and working with my friends. We also prepared the rest of the garden beds for planting this week. As I prepare my inner garden, I'm excited to watched the seeds grow, an apprentice to my soul.

Shedding Skin

There is so much moving through me, and so much to say. Where to begin? This past week has been especially intense and beautiful as well as exhausting. I'm amazed at how life and my inner work manifests itself. Particularly in this raw, powerful place. I spoke the other day of the serpent and shedding of skin or that which no longer serves me. There is a lot I am letting go of here, as I step deeper into my Self. Days later a friend found a dead snake. As I helped remove his skin and gut it, I was in awe of this beautiful creature, and the way it showed itself first in my inner world and then in my physical world.

I came into town tonight on a whim and met some cyclists who are traveling across the country. What an incredible journey they are on and as heard a little about there adventure a little bit of envy came up that made me laugh out loud. Am I kidding? I myself am on a journey just as incredible as theirs, here in this community and the small community of True Nature. Since arriving in town I heard about a group getting together tonight to share their favorite poems and I will hang out with that. I've been excited to feel Boulder out and feel apart of this community for the season and who knows, maybe longer. Then, just a few moments ago I ran into an old high school teacher of mine. Who knew this much could go on in just a few hours in a small town of two hundred.

Tomorrow night, I have the honor of holding council, as on the Vision Quest, but now with my fellow apprentices. We will sit in a circle, and each of us in turn, with deer antlers that serve as a talking staff, will share spontaneously and speak as well as listen from the heart. I've been wanting to hold council since the vision quest and, although I've sat in council since then, having the antlers with me all week, I feel an immense gratitude and humility that comes with such an honor.

This afternoon, after spending the day gathering food for us, I quietly walked back to the garden to spend some time with the animals. Tina Luna, the woman who lives there introduced me to the new baby chicks. I was touched by the way the nestled next to the mother and how one of them reached up to mama's beak. Mama hen seemed tired and I marveled at her commitment to her new babies, some of them not biologically hers, and also her resilience. Love in the name of Love.

Strength in Sustainability

I arrived at True Nature Farm nearly two weeks ago where I am blessed to take up residence for the next six months. My tent sits on the ridge above our small community of eight. It is a sacred spot, only yards from a grave site full of animal bones. there was fresh deer scat at the spot when I arrived. I meditated in the area and asked for permission to say and received a resounding yes. I am humbled each time I return to my new 'home'.

I am surprised by my physical strength as I work in the garden, digging new beds, lifting loaded wheel barrows, or working with the Israeli ho, which have proved to be very therapeutic. I keep expecting to wake up with the familiar ache I have come accustomed to and to my relief, it does not happen. My body, which has had a difficult time keeping up with my ever shifting Self, seems to finally be meeting up with my spirit, although I am still re-membering and learning to trust my physical being again.

In addition to learning about Permaculture and sustainability, I continue to work on personal sustainability. Weekly we have a dream tracking group and sit in council together weekly as well. I am grateful that my longing for council will be met here, in our small community at the farm and the greater community of Boulder, Utah.  This past week I was reminded of how one persons dream can affect someone else (in this case myself) on a deeply profound level.

I attempt to visit my sit spot daily but the last couple of days have been full with the garden, council, a potluck and movie in Boulder Town, a community I can easily see myself falling in love with. Right now I am sitting at the Kiva Koffehouse watching the snow dump on top of the Red Rock, full of gratitude and only slightly concerned about how my tent is holding up in the weather.

The Web of LIfe

I ended my day with my dog Sage greeting me at the door, walking into my nearly empty room that has served as my home for the last several months, with so much in my heart. Not of endings but of new beginnings.

My sixteen year old niece was upset tonight over the consequences of doing what she knew in her heart to be right. As I heard the distress in her tears I felt so proud of her. I'm reminded of the courage it takes to follow one's intuition, even if it means going against the grain, and I feel proud of myself for doing so.

I am constantly in awe of the paths that cross in this lifetime, however brief or long the encounters. I am reminded of how we touch each others souls in ways that help us to re-member, whether or not I myself or the Other realizes the depth of one such encounter. I try to remember this always as I show up in this world, and am so grateful for this web of existence. I think of this not because I am in the space of saying good-bye but because I've said hello to others with an open heart recently, and also because I've gained closure in relationships and accepted that life is full of severance.  I know in that severance we take with us piece of each other, lessons learned and love lived.

Wrapping Up

I've been back in Salt Lake City for nearly five months now. My time in Peru seems far away as I prepare for my next venture, a six month sustainability apprenticeship on an organic farm. I will work through this weekend and take next week off to prepare physically and emotionally and to rest. I'm exhausted! I love Spring but as I become more and more sensitive it's a difficult transition for me as the Earth prepares for new growth.

I speak often in the blog about manifesting, trusting and following my heart. Pattern: Once I commit to a new adventure (i.e., the farm, Peru, any commitment really) I immediately revert to, "How am I going to make this happen?" "What the hell am I thinking?" Or, my favorite, "What will I do next?" Of course, as much as I stress about the how, everything has worked out financially. Even as I've watched my savings account expand, I admit I still worry a little, I won't be bringing in any money for at least seven months. I've realized a lot of my fears around making these things happen are tied to an old belief I've had that I don't deserve the life that I want. Working on that one.

Winter, as in previous years, was a quiet time for me, a time of turning inward. I did not travel, I was not especially social. What touched me were the little nuances. Sitting with a fire under the full moon, reading my stories to a group of strangers, having a place to call home and a friend there to share more stories with. Learning to play the guitar, walking the dogs in the Foothills, playing the stranger in this city even though I've spent the majority of my adult life here. Making new friends and creating relationships with people who have were merely aquantainces before. Screaming at the top of my lungs into the darkness of the night in Big Cottonwood Canyon with a friend who'd had a rough day. Shifting, sharing and loving.

As I begin to wrap up my life here I'm aware of how different it's been than before. How I'm somehow different. I feel closure with certain ideas and beliefs or people that I've clung onto and with that closure a heaviness has lifted to be replaced with muscle and wisdom. And I've only just begun!

A co-worker and friend said to me today, "C'mon Angela, this whole farm thing, it's rehab isn't it?"

Break Open

"It can be a lonely path" a teacher said to me once as she contemplated my journey. I know that I've chosen this life of solitude, yet I've made love like there was no one else in the room. I've stood in the doorway of my own heart and allowed it to break open. I stand naked before you now, as we thaw out old stories, of heroism, of danger, of love and disguise.

My body is more full, my eyes somehow darker, in my hair, a hint of grey that I wear proudly. For behind the depth of my eyes, are the stories of my oh so beautiful life. To quote a song by Lost in the Trees, "I got love songs, I got songs that make you cry." And they're incredible songs, beautiful stories that make up my life.

I'll share some of them now, doing so with the intention of transforming them into something new and letting go of what no longer serves me. These are old stories (old meaning they happened before today;). I tell them with love and respect and with anonymity.
~
You are in the way of this for me. In the way of what is important. I am angry and this morning I did not want to look at you. Of course you were the first one I saw. I though maybe you knew. "An attraction can happen anywhere...nothing after this." I am the queen of nothing after this. I understand that I, on my own, accepted this crown. I don't know if you can see. This is stopping me up. If I'm honest with myself I know there is a reason for this and it will keep showing up until I have the courage to look.
~
Making my way slowly back to my hometown to tie up loose ends I was blessed to take a LONG pause in one of my favorite places. I was there for a one day event and ended up staying for an entire week. I had the most beautiful journey there being completely present and engulfed in every moment, without concern for tomorrow or yesterday. A love story revealed itself there. If I had not been so blinded by my unwillingness to accept love before my journey - especially romantically- I would have seen this story unfolding before I left. But it didn't occur to me that this other might be a little bit hurt that I'm leaving until much later. I love this person dearly without strings or conditions and I had pushed him away in the past and regretted it.

It was not easy for me to tell him that I was leaving and not easy for him to hear but we both seemed to know that everything is as it should be. And after three more incredible days together I walked away. But not because I'm scared or stubborn or won't let love in but because I know that I have to answer to myself right now and the shifts I have experienced recently. I did not walk away overwhelmed with grief but with a deep, deep gratitude for the time that I have spent with this person and the gifts that our relationship has brought me and will continue to bring. I feel so grateful that I was present enough to know that I needed to walk away, holding my heart gingerly in my hands and thanking it for it's strength with every step that I put between my Self and the Other.
~

I never really mean to fall in love. In fact, I've been known to fight against it. And still, I tend to show up, knowing full well how fleeting it can be. "Do you get lonely, doing what you do alone?" a friend had asked me. Sometimes. Other times it would never occur to me that I am alone. 


I felt him pull away the last couple of days. I've seen it before, I've lived it before. We only spent a short time together tonight but it was a painful hour and a half. He was sad, trying to cover it up with sarcasm and, like yesterday, looking for comfort in his status, "They want me to run for office again." 


He's escorting me to the train station tomorrow. I would rather he not and tried to talk him out of it. But he's done so much, I didn't want to offend. Neither do I want to drag out good bye. What will I say? He should know I love him. Does he want me to say I'll stay? It doesn't matter, I won't.
~
Me: How do we survive such achingly beautiful heartache?
Her: It's inextricably linked to what brings us alive.
~

It's incredible to me how having one's heart broken can break it open in such a way that love comes rushing back in. In allowing ourselves to risk such heartache, sometimes time and time again, we embrace such love, a love that is bigger than all of our love songs.

Yup, I get lonely sometimes. It's hard for me to admit this and even more difficult to give my self permission to be lonely. Then I play the guitar for my friends while they sing along or have a conversation with a Magpie or climb a beautiful rock, and fall completely in love all over again.

Vision Quest and Community

As I come upon the one year anniversary of my time in Anza Borrego, my thoughts have been on the Vision Quest. As we hiked out of our base camp on one of the last days, our beloved guides invited us to ask ourselves or another these questions: What happened? Who went out (on the Vision Quest)? Who came back? A friend and I were marveling last night at how we were still asking ourselves these same questions. We laughed, "What the hell did happen?" Both agreeing that the Vision Quest was the best time in our lives, for me, the most profoundly beautiful, sacred and mysterious experiences I've ever had.

There are so many stories for me around this experience, before and after, and I'm sure yet to come. It is interesting to look back at this time, during the actual Vision Quest and notice what stands out for me.  As I've mentioned previously, this was a very personal and sacred experience for me. There are parts of this experience that I have shared with very few people,if anyone at all, and I will not share those most sacred experiences here, but I do feel inclined to share more.

The Humans

A big part of this quest, for all of us in different ways, was our experience with each other (the other questers and guides). There were fifteen of us total, twelve questers, two guides and one apprentice who acted both as a participant and as a guide in training. I knew the group work leading up to the solo would be an important part of this journey but I am still amazed at the profound ways this proved to be true. I was surprised at how I was able to immediately open up to these strangers, when it is sometimes difficult for me to be authentic with people who have been in my life for years. Of course it was intimidating that first night as we gathered for dinner, but as I walked up to the 'dining area' one of the questors approached me saying my name and giving me a huge hug. Although we had only met hours ago, I had the sensation of connecting with an old friend.

We sat in 'council' everyday. I love this concept. Essentially, we all sat in a circle and shared as we received the talking staff. The only rules were to speak spontaneously and from the heart, and also to listen from the heart. We shared our fears, dreams we had during the quest, or anything that was present for us. In this, each one of us experienced what the Other was sharing. I was struck by the fact that we were all such mirrors for each other. Others would share dreams that affected me in a profound way, or even the collective. The energy in those circles was so powerful, it's difficult to find the words for it.

I don't think I've ever felt so held by a group of people and I realized how much I'd been longing for community. One of the first nights we were invited to share our life story with a partner that was randomly selected for us. We were to tell our stories in the third person, with few interruptions for an hour an a half or so. The apprentice and I shared a wildlife encounter with Owl, one of my consistent spirit guides. We weren't afraid of touch. Hugs, hand holding, kissing. Those boundaries we've set in this society regarding touch did not exist. Not in an inappropriate way at all, but going back to being held, emotionally and physically.

The group aspect was not all happy and lovey though. Working through such intense emotional shifts, there was bound to be some projecting going on. Seeing in others what you either long for or despise in your Self is never easy. There was one lucky quester that, whether he knew it or not, got to play the role of all the romantic interests in my life, poor guy. Of course the situation of wanting someone I couldn't be with for logistical reasons came up, why would it not? I knew I was projecting because my feelings for this person were completely irrational, from entirely in love to so disgusted, I couldn't even look at him. There were others who had a really hard time feeling a part of the group or had problems with a particular person because of their own 'stuff'.

The most meaningful part of the group aspect for me, was simply being witnessed and witnessing others. Witnessed as I worked through what came up, as I danced, as I laughed, cried, sang, screamed and as I said 'yes' to this incredible journey. After we returned from our solos, we were invited to share our experience in ten minutes (impossible!) as our guides introduced us, in a random order. I was so blessed to be present as each person shared "what happened" for them during their time alone in the dessert. I was the last to share. It was after dark and it had been a long day. As I spoke into the darkness, although they were tired, I felt each person listening intently as I shared what was in my heart, and knew, I was forever changed.

I started to call the next section of this blog, 'the work' but as I began to type it seemed to do my time in the desert an injustice, make it smaller. For now, I'm going to leave it at this. I'm revisiting the Vision Quest in my heart, I may revisit it here down the line. Watch for more to come. 


For more information regarding Animas Valley Institute, who I chose to do my quest with, visit www.animas.org.

Re-member a Child

I had a really nice dinner with some friends tonight, all parents. We got to talking about how to raise children and the things children do when they are teenagers, how they learn to show up in this world. I have not yet had the privilege of being a mama, although I believe I will, someday soon. Even still, I feel I had something to offer the conversation, if only from my own experiences as a child, as an adolescent, and now, as an adult. It's amazing that I survived my teenage years, that any of us do really. Yes, I had sex when I was young, had my 'moments' with alcohol, tried marijuana, and in my later teenage years (sixteen and seventeen), meth. How did I get there? I came from a good family, although I was confused about the things that I'd done and knew my family saw them as bad things. It's not that I hung out with bad kids, I was actually a bit of loner, as I am still today. And then, as I do now, I longed for a sense of community. I did not find that in my church. In fact, quite the opposite. The kids that I did get into trouble with were and are now, as far as I know, beautiful, strong beings, as confused as I was.

I have so much love for my parents, more than they could possibly know. We did absolutely not have an open relationship. I will not delve into this too much, out of respect, but I hardly new what my period was, let alone the affect drugs would have on me or what it meant to give myself to a man. We didn't really talk about much, and still our relationship is strained. I learned from a young age what men wanted from me, long before I was strong enough to stand up for myself as a female. I also had a sadness that hung over me from a very young age that I had no idea what to do with, or how to even ask for help with.

Others who have heard my story ask, "How did you come out of it?" As you now, meth is a pretty hardcore addiction and in my eyes, I was lucky to go through it when I was young, as I had very few interactions with drugs as an adult. Honestly, I don't know how I survived it. Came out of it. I'm sure I had some help, maybe even from my older self. In preparing for the vision quest, they asked us to bring something we could throw into the fire during ceremony. I went through some of my old notebooks and came upon the following that I had written one of the last times I got high as a teenager, I was seventeen at the time.

There is the smallest voice inside my head that tells me it's okay, that life has not broken me yet. Another part of me, part of my soul, wants so badly to shine. A piece of my heart wants to shed a thousand tears. A piece of my mind wants to not think about it anymore.

Even then I cried out, knowing that there was something more inside of me.

Your kids are going to make mistakes. They're going to love and hurt and cry and might really screw up. But they're more resilient than you might think. We survived, so will they. Talk to your children, I told my friends tonight. Love them no matter what and be there for them. I know that someday, as a mother, I will heed the same advice.