What about the how?

Although it's been a great week I'm feeling tired and a little defeated today. I've come down with a chest cold, aches and chills and the whole bit. It's made me extra sensitive and I'm easily irritated or brought to tears. The other night I was watching the Steve Jobs 2005 Stanford commencement address. As he spoke about following your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path, trusting that the dots will connect, I sobbed, "I'm trying to follow heart". I'm trying.

"Should I being doing more?" I kept asking today. A couple of opportunities have come up to make more money, but none of them have come through.  It's not about doing, I'm doing what I can. I'm not perfect, I may have gone out to dinner when I shouldn't or maybe I should have worked a full day yesterday even though I'm sick. I can see myself  in what my heart is moving me towards. Will that be enough? "Go forward with an open heart". Here I am. Raw, naked, with all of my beautiful flaws and trusting and yes, I get scared.

It's not that I really want to live in a tent for six months. There is nothing romantic about using an outhouse for the same amount of time. It's just that I feel in my heart this apprenticeship to be an important part of my path. All of the work I've done has confirmed it. I can't help but ask, how will I get there?

Comfort came from an unexpected source. A conversation with my father. My Dad is the best man I've ever known. It's not easy for him to reach out to me these days, yet he did. A simple, five minute phone call inquiring about how my plans are going, But not only that, when I went into the reasons the farm fits my path, he seemed to understand and trust me. As I hung up the phone I felt, for the first time in weeks that I'll get there. And if not, I'm learning A LOT along the way.

So I'll go forward with my plans not knowing but trusting. I'll show up with my stories and my gratitude, wherever that may be. And whether or not my path leads me to where I believe it is meant to go, I'll know I did everything I could to get there.

I happened upon a poem tonight, written by one of my favorites, that really struck a chord.

Loaves and Fishes

This is not
the age of information.

This is not
the age of information.

Forget the news,
and the radio
and the blurred screen.

This is the time
of loaves
and fishes.

People are hungry,
and one good word is bread
for a thousand.

~David Whyte

I have a lot to say, I've yet to find my voice.