More Stories from Peru

What a journey I have been on. I must admit, I´m pretty good at travel. Today I arrived in Arequipa, after a six hour and at least eighty degree bus ride, not knowing a soul. It was a little daunting to arrive in this big city, I´m not a fan of city, but I got myself checked into a nice hostel and got to making plans. Tomorrow I leave the city (yay!) and will spend a couple of days in the Colca Canyon area, doing some hiking camping, visiting volcanoes and will likely see some condors.

There have been several times on this trip, when I come back to my center, that I am struck by the simplicity of my life. Daily I connect with Mother Earth, my Self, children, love, new friends. I am so blessed. Nancy asked me before she left how I would describe my experiences here to my loved ones back home. I do not know. There are stories of places I´ve visited, people I´ve met, experience I´ve had but how does one put into words the energy of these places?

I spent a couple of days on Lake Titicaca. Another powerful place. It sits at 12,500 ft, the highest navicable lake in the world and the largest lake in South America. I visited a few islands, including a floating island and spent the night on Amanti Island with a beautiful family. On the way back to Puno yesterday I felt called to through my ring in the lake, the simple ring I mentioned in an earlier blog, I gave to Madre Titicaca. I think I knew it would stay in Peru, and it felt good to watch it create a splash. A friend of mine had one piece of advice before I left Utah. "Do me a favor", he had said. "Lose yourself there". I don´t think he meant physically although that has happened from time to time. I have not lost my Self here but there is a part of me that I have let go of. Pepe said to me after a night of ceremony, "You don´t have to hold on to everything, just let go." In this way, I suppose I have lost myself. And in letting go of a ring I bought to replace my wedding ring, as if I still needed someone or something, I lost that part of myself that exists in that need.

This simplicity does not mean I want for nothing. I would love to keep traveling to Argentina, Boliva, the world! I would love to have a partner to share in this magic with. I would love to someday have a child and I would love to bring my unique gifts to the world through my vocation. But I am also trusting that mystery knows what my soul needs and all the rest will work itself out.

I met another solo traveler tonight, which is rare. He was excited to hear about the experiences I've  had and was asking me about his own. I am vowing to continue to be open to meeting new people and sharing in my experiences when I get back to the states. It´s so easy to be outgoing and friendly in a different country there is not reason it should be different in the U.S. After all, we are all connected.
 

Home Wherever I Go

I arrived in Peru 22 days ago and in a way it feels as though I've always been here. That's how life has changed since I've become very present. All other time and space falls easily away. There is only the gift of now and letting go of other days. Release.

Today I was walking down Ave Del Sol with a friend of mine and I actually saw someone I know from around town. After we exchanged greetings I looked at the friend I was walking with and we both busted up laughing. "I know someone!" I exclaimed and I think we were both proud. The cute woman at the hostel I currently call home is always concerned with whether or not I eat breakfast. The sweet waiter at the coffeeshop which I'm apparently a regular at friended me on Facebook. And, I know at least four ways to get to Qori Nusta Inn when it took me over an hour to find my way back the first night.

Now, just as this place an I have began to call each other home, I will leave in a day or two. Even so, I'll take with me a swagger in my step, sending my best wishes to the young English student that helped me with my Espanol. -Reciprocity.

I was fortunate enough to spend the afternoon at an absolutely breathtaking hotel, Sol y Luna, in Urabamba. (Something I'm not quick to admit, hotels are kind of my thing.) The villas, the view, the vista, the restaurant, the horses, and Oh my God, the gardens! To top it off, I had the company of four beautiful, charismatic, intelligent, quirky, Peruvian characters. Although I only understood maybe 8% of what was said, the fact that I belonged to there with this group of incredibles was not lost on me.

As we began to sip our post lunch coffee, the clouds that had quickly rolled into the Sacred Valley broke open and with the rain came a flood of emotion. Tears told a story of how for nearly thirty years a girl, a woman, never new that she was worth everything she ever dreamed of. In letting go of that belief I cried, knowing that every beginning requires a death of sorts.

Be Earth Now

Yes, it feels good to be here and my senses could not be happier :) I have visited so many sacred places with incredible energy. I've been through huge shifts and it's been crazy to see the events of the past to come together, especially during a four day intensive with Theo and Pepe. The last night of the intensive was especially powerful. I was able to turn towards something that I had buried deep inside of myself and in turning towards this I was able to let go and experience love greater that i could ever imagine. I feel back inside my Self with a clear head and grateful heart. Grateful to have paid attention to my link to Peru, the vision quest and so much more, not knowing why but trusting what I could not see. My heart is full, my stance is strong and I feel my Self moving into the next phase of life with strength, beauty and knowing. I have re-membered.

Some of you may be more interested in what I've seen here although to me this trip is more about feeling and experiences. Some of the highlights have been Cachora and three children that I absolutely fell in love with, along with the land there. I've been to Machu Picchu, Pisaq, Ollantaytambo and Moray. I visited the sacred mountain Ausungate and witnessed the most beautiful Dispacho (prayer to the Earth). I've discharged and recharged through sacred Apus and rocks. I've lived, loved and laughed with new friends and old.

Some asked when I left the states if I thought I was coming back. Yes, I will return, but different somehow. No, not different, but the person that I've been hiding from. The person I was meant to be. When i think back on my journey, I'm reminded of a few lines in a poem by Rilke: You are not surprised at the force of the storm, you have seen it growing. It wants to sink back into the source of everything. Be Earth now and evensong.


Onto a Vast Plain
Rainer Maria Rilke

You are not surprised at the force of the storm—
you have seen it growing.
The trees flee. Their flight
sets the boulevards streaming. And you know:
he whom they flee is the one
you move toward. All your senses
sing him, as you stand at the window.

The weeks stood still in summer.
The trees' blood rose. Now you feel
it wants to sink back
into the source of everything. You thought
you could trust that power
when you plucked the fruit:
now it becomes a riddle again 
and you again a stranger.

Summer was like your house: you knew
where each thing stood.
Now you must go out into your heart
as onto a vast plain. Now
the immense loneliness begins.

The days go numb, the wind
sucks the world from your senses like withered leaves.

Through the empty branches the sky remains.
It is what you have.
Be earth now, and evensong.
Be the ground lying under that sky.
Be modest now, like a thing
ripened until it is real,
so that he who began it all
can feel you when he reaches for you.

The Year in Stories Part - Life of A Wanderer Part III

Continued......

Grief and Pain

When I settled down in San Diego for a few months a lot of my "stuff" came up. I started this blog then as a 'practice' of telling my stories and learning more about my Self and the journey that I'm on. If you've followed "re-membered stories" you know that I had a lot of grief come up during this time. It took weeks of feeling physically ill and believing that I was being revisited by my old friend depression, when I decided to turn towards the grief. Once I made this decision it poured out of me. My physical discomfort assisted the grief and helped it bubble to the surface.

I was in a good place to go through this. Away from the comfort of friends and family, I was unable to distract myself or hide and bury what I was feeling. I had to turn inward and find a way to comfort my Self and find strength in the core of my being. My friend D, who I was living with was able to give me the space and acceptance I needed to wail and rant and rave and rest and laugh. The ocean was my sanction, and the perfect container for my tears. I began to know that there was a reason for the grief and the pain, that it would help me continue to cultivate my gifts and really understand grief so that I can help others grieve. I also learned the importance of self love and compassion, intigration and nurturing self.

I spent time at the Ideal Hotel and Red Lotus Society, a community of seekers and peace education. I volunteered at the tea room and was able to attend yoga, meditation, and other classes. (I was heartbroken to hear that the Red Lotus Society has since evacuated the hotel.) I began practicing Falun Gong regulary, and on the beach in Encinidas.

Back in Utah

An oppurtunity came up to work in Utah this Summer so I came back in July, knowing that there was unfinished work here with some commitments I had made to my Self on the vision quest. My time here has been an intense journey of shifting and more severence. Old patterns and ways of being continue to creep in and I am constantly learning what I do and do not find comfort in, what is nurturing for me. Relationships have shifted and there has been a lot of grief in that but such shifts are making way for new relationships. I find strength in my relationship with my authentic self, although it is not always easy to be true to that.

I have found love and support in unexpected places and am surprised by this life that I have created. The days have become unspoken gifts. Gifts of love and learning. My health still suffers but I am cultivating a new relationship with my body and I have accepted this as part of the shift. I have a lot to make up for as I tried for years to ignore my body.

I am living in gratitude, learning from different mentors, teachers and friends. Growing from Grandmother Earth and my relationship with her and Self. As I go forward making decisions with my heart and arguing with old beliefs that no longer serve me, I know that anything I can plan is too small so I do not make many plans.

In a lot of ways this past year has been the hardest of my life. It is not easy to really turn towards Self, and it has been such a blessing to reflect on my journey this past month through re-membered stories. "Pathmaker, there is no path. The path is made by walking."

Loss & Vitality

I had an incredible appointment with my naturopath today that began with a poem I read in Ode Magazine while in the waiting room, and ended with two people who are genuinlly concerned for me and my health (very different from my experience with a western medicine doctor a month or so ago).

I left thinking about the relationship between vitality and loss. Why? I dunno, this is the way my mind works lately. I believe that not much is accidental and I've noticed that when I look at life metaphorically, I learn so much more about life and Self. So here's what brought me to start thinking about the link between these two unseemingly connected subjects.

I'll start with the poem I read about loss:

You are cloud, sea, forgetting;
you are also what you lost in a moment
we are all those who have left
The reflection of our face in the mirror changes each instant
and every day has it's own labyrinth.
The cloud vanishing in the sunset is our image;
endlessly, a rose becomes another rose.


--Jorge Luis Borges


When I am getting accupuncture, as my naturuopath is putting in the needles, she asks me to take a deep breath, breathing in health and vitality, breathing out any tension or stress. This is what got me thinking about vitality. Here are some of the definitions from the dictionary:

1.capacity to live and develop; also : physical or mental vigor especially when highly developed
2.power of enduring

Several years ago I was working through some grief with my therapist at the time and I remember saying "Am I going to spend my entire life grieving?" In the past six months I have cultivated my relationship with grief, knowing that yes grief and vitality can and do go hand in hand. Also knowing that grief is a constant journey in this life. Has grief helped with my compacity to live and develop? Absolutely! Is it directly tied into my power of enduring? Yes, I believe so. Martin Pretchel reminds us in his speech "Grief and Praise", if we don't grieve something after it is gone, it means we didn't love it, we didn't live it.

I am what I lost in a moment. And I'll take with me what I learned from that loss. Through loss, I will grow and I will gain, as a rose becomes another rose. 

The Year in Stories - Life as a Wanderer Part II

......Continued from previous post.

On the Road

As I prepared for the vision quest, I packed Baby Blue to the hilt and hit the road. I took a couple of days to drive to California, camping at the Valley of Fire. I have learned to love camping by myself. Wandering the land, making salmon and rice on my little back packing stove, building a fire (which I have yet to master).

Once I arrived in San Diego, I was blessed to be able to take a week or so to nurture my Self at the ocean and in a beautiful home, preparing emotionally and spirtually for the Vision Quest. As I drove towards Anza Borrego, which is an incredibly beautiful drive through mountains and desert, I felt strong, confident, and knowing that this journey I was about to embark on was meant for me. Driving this same road back to the city thirteen days later somehow took hours longer. I felt a strength and knowing that I had never felt before and at the same time I was overwhelmed by traffic and fuel centers and could not help but stared at that silly game that you feed money and attempt to grab a stuffed animal with an impossible claw. How do I show up in this crazy world?!

I spent some more time in San Diego before hitting the road. I don't remember much of this time, coming out of the Vision Quest was like waking from a profound dream. Somewhat foggy and somehow changed. I remember going to see The Cave Singers perform at the Casbah. It was an incredible show and although I went by myself I felt connected to the music, the movement, and the people around me. It's difficult to put into words but my way of being with Other's had shifted. I've always been sensitive but I was very aware of the energy around me. Another memory that comes up from that time is going out for taco tuesday in Ocean Beach with a friend of mine from the vision quest who was also spending time in San Diego with her younger brother. I remember being in this crazy crowded bar full of young people, much cooler than myself, waiting for our tacos. Suddenly had a really strong urge to pull my journal out of my bag and start writing. (Journaling was a huge part of the VQ, I had it with me constantly and filled pages and pages.) I fought the urge, and instead gawked in amazement at the scene around me.

I left California for Utah sometime around the end of March. I took a different route that I normally do, up through Arizona for a change in scenery. I took my time. I really do love being on the road. Camping added a lot to the experience. It was so simple. Only a couple changes of clothes, few options of what to eat. After spending thirteen days camping in Anza Borrego, I had a system down. I spent time on the land, camping in Oak Creek Canyon above Sedona, tending the fire and reading Siddartha, wandering around confused by city in Flagstaff until I finally settled in at a kitchy little coffee shop to catch up on email. As I drove I talked to myself, and I talked to Audrey, the same friend from the VQ I hung out with in San Diego. I pulled over at my favorite rest stop/overlook in Northern Arizona to talk with her about how our reintigration into the "real world" was going. I did not have much contact with my people in Utah during this time. I was not sure what to say about what I had been through. Looking back on it now, I was afraid of rejection. I had left as X and was coming back as Y, I did not know what Other's role in my life would be. It scared me.

I'll never forget camping at Navajo National Monument. There was nothing extremely signifgant about it but it was one of the best nights of my life. It was about fifteen miles from the highway and I was literally the only person in the entire park. The season had not yet begun, not even a park ranger was there. It was absolutely beautiful and cold and a little intimidating to be there alone. As the sun went down and the tempature dropped, I did not feel a lone. I felt connected. Connected to the Earth, to the animals around me that I could hear but not see. I felt a part of the beauty that surrounded me.

I was headed to Moab, Utah to run a half marathon. Again, driving into Moab I was overcome with emotion. If you've never been, Moab and surrounding area is one of the most mysterious, magical deserts I've ever been to, and I would imagine in the world. Although I've spent a lot of time there, the time I spent in Moab this past spring was different. I spent over a week there and really fell in love with the area allthough I'd been there many times before. Being in a different place spiritually really opened my eyes to the land. After the race, I moved slowy and really took in my surroundings. I explored areas I've never been before, both in the desert and in my heart. I watched the weather, touched the sandstone, listened to the river. I saw my Self in another's eyes. I was entirely present and time fell away. It didn't matter. I could have stayed and I wanted to and I asked. The answer I got was not now.

Stay tuned for Part III

The Year in Stories - Life as a Wanderer Part I

Shaking things Up

Approximately a year ago I left my job of ten years not knowing or much caring what was next but knowing that I was unfulfilled and longing for...what? I had some savings, paid out vacation and a cleaning job at which I made a few hundred dollars a month. I sold most of my furniture, had a yard sale and donated much of what was left. (Two of my friends currently have some of my things in their houses and my clothes in their closets from that time.)

With a flood of emotion I moved out of the only apartment I ever really called home. I had carefully chosen the paint and the decor. One could walk in and instantly have an idea of who I was. I loved being there alone with Sage or throwing parties with friends from different backgrounds that might not normally come together if they were not bound by me. When I walked in for the last time, this place that I loved and lived was empty except for my beloved dog and bike, and I completely broke down. My beautiful neighbor helped me smudge the place and overcome with grief, I walked away from all that I had worked for.

Going Inward

The next several months were a time of great reflextion and beginning to really look at my Self in a way that I had previously been afraid to. It was a time of severance. Letting go of old beliefs about that did not service my Soul. Getting to know my Self without the label "depression" over my head. Welcoming my "loyal soldiers" home, thanking them for protecting me and giving them new orders. I read books, wrote pages and pages in my journal, and dove into my work with my spiritual mentor, Nancy. I began to see an incredible Naturopath, Dr. Babbie Lester and she helped me get off of anti-depressants with acupuncture, a strict diet and some NLP work. I mostly lived with my brother and every other weekend and once during the week I stayed with my friends the MacGregor's. Our friendship flourished as well as other relationships such as that with my mother and a friendship with someone I had dated and fallen in love with the previous year. Surprisingly, there were other friendships that began dissapate. This was very difficult for me. I had never had such a large network of friends as I had that year and it was with their support that I found the strength to make some of the decisions I had made. How could some of them not understand what I was doing? Not only that but be scared of me and my path? But I had to accept that at that time, I didn't have anything to learn from these people and they had nothing to receive from me. I did not have a job but I was doing the most important work of my life.

Vision Quest
My life was going in a new direction and all of this was great but what was I going to do with it? What was my purpose? As I was crying out for direction to a woman that has played an integral role in my journey mentioned Vision Quest and directed me to go out and get the book "Soulcraft" by Bill Plotkin, and to start reading it now. I did and wow did it speak to me. As I read about the art of being lost and searching for your one unique gift and finding that gift through nature I fell in love with this book and new that I would do my Vision Quest with Animas Valley Institute.

My particular Vision Quest took place in the Anza Borrego desert of California. This was a sacred, profound time in a sacred place full of sharing, more severance, ceremony, cultivating my relationship with the Earth, and knowing. I spent 12 days in the desert with fourteen beautiful people that I was blessed to get to know in a very profound way. Four of those days consisted of a fast and solo out on the land. It was amazing to see how all the work that I had done, without knowing, was in preparation for the Vision Quest. Not just any Vision Quest, but this particular Vision Quest, with these particular people in that particular time and on that particular land. You've witness bits and pits of it here and I myself only understand glimpes of it now but I believe over time I will begin to understand it more. I have also noticed recently that I as I step further into my authentic self, I feel inspired to share more about my Vision Quest. If you ever have questions, feel free to ask.

To be continued.........