Re-Membering Grief and Love

There are many re-membered stories in which I explore my journey with romantic relationships and the role that they play in my life. In the real world, I tend to be shy about sharing these stories and even here, although I'm grateful to have this outlet to share them, I realize that I'm not entirely forthcoming and I do not always give these stories permission to be a part of my soul journey. I recognize how ridiculous this is, such love can be an incredible guide to soul. A romantic Other can play such a deep part in The Work, through reflection and mirroring and showing us our shadow (the part of us that we have buried, that longs to be seen). I know all of this, yet I continue to belittle such relationships, seeing them as silly or frivolous, not good enough to be a significant part of my journey. I've been confused about romance and the role it may or may not play in my life.

Last night I had a pretty big realization of the role such relationships have played in my life in the past. I have often times gone into relationships with a deep knowing that they will not last. Yet I continue down the path with an Other, knowing that the death of the relationship is inevitable. I am reading a manuscript that a friend lent me knowing about my intimate relationship with grief. I'm not even sure of the name of the book but when I picked it up last night, the words on the pages moved through me as they spoke of Love as a gateway into Grief. The words spoke of how nothing lasts and how, as much as we try to deny or ignore it, everything we love we lose. I was especially touched by a poem recited in the pages, by Eleh Ezkerah called "These We Remember".

'Tis a fearful thing

To love

What death can touch.

To love, to hope, to dream,

And oh, to lose.

A thing for fools, this

Love,

But a holy thing

To love what death can touch.

For your life has lived in me;

You laugh once lifted me;

You word was a gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy.

'Tis a human thing, love,

A holy thing,

To love

What death can touch.

~

In my search for love over the years, was I also seeking out grief? In the deeper parts of my Self did I know my grief was hidden, longing to be seen? In my own way, was I subconsciously bringing the grief to a boil through such relationships, knowing that the grief longed to spill over? As much beauty there was in love, there was the same amount of beauty in my experience with 'breaking up', the breaking open. I joke that I'm really good at breaking up, but it's true. I have had just as extraordinary experiences with the end of relationships as I have in coming together with another. I remember ending things with a woman I was dating for a significant amount of time and feeling closer to her on that day that I said good bye, than I had through out our entire relationship. Over the past year or two, as I've mentioned previously, I've had many experiences of walking away, saying good bye, in order to follow what was calling me. There has been so much substance to these good bye's, so much love and grief.

I'm not to surprised that I've not put this together before, although it's so simple. In my work with 'permission to love' I was not giving romantic love permission to be. I've talked of 'showing up' in relationship, although it is usually fleeting. I also talk of longing for a partner to share the beauty of this journey with. Could I be all talk? If previously, romantic heartache has equaled recognizable grief for me, now that I  have an intimate relationship with grief, where does that leave me in romantic relationships? Many have stood before me, and stand before me now, asking me to love them. At what point am I going to stop saying no? At what point am I going to stop walking, running, pushing others away?

I don't know, but I will continue to practice patience with myself and I'm pretty sure I'll continue to show up in love, (I can't help myself!) being a little more gentle with others and myself in love.

Crossroads

This life, I tell you, is so full of Love and Mystery. At times I feel as though my heart might overflow. I am in awe and confusion of how life has brought me to this place. A place of beauty and knowing and trust. Daily I live my truths, the truths that lay in the darkness and come alive in the light.

This morning, I headed into market to see some friends in town. So many beautiful people in this town and great friends in my life. I stand back and watch them interacting with each other, myself and with the stray kitten that is looking for a home. Afterwards Eden, Yahel and I went to my friend Mike's house to help him put up a huge new hoop house on his property.

I have fallen in love with this community, with this land. I'd like to say this is a surprise but somehow I sensed before I got here that I would be drawn to this place. I also (knowing that anything I can plan is too small) thought I may be going to South America after the apprenticeship is over. I feeling a little torn between these two places, although I know that I will create beauty and community wherever I go at this point. Both places are full of Mystery and wonder. Both are full of possibility and the ability to bring forth my gifts. One would take longer to create community, one may take longer to create family, but are these not the same - family and community? One would bring greater opportunity to make money - but this has come to mean less and less to me.

My heart knows, my head feels confused. And once again, living the question. Each day is so full.