the dictaphone

I spent a significant amount of time on the road a few months ago. God it was fun, I love being on the road. I had the whole camping thing down and was super organized. I loved the simplicity of it, only a couple changes of clothes, two or three options of what to eat. And it was romantic in a way, just me and the highway, and at night, the squirrels and my book. There was one night I camped at Navajo National Monument in Arizona and there was literally no one else in the entire campground. It was exhilarating to be up there alone and at the same time calm and peaceful.

I felt very insightful on the road. I would ponder life and the ways of the world and Mystery. I had so many thoughts on the road that I couldn't keep up with so I went to Staples and bought a dictaphone. Of course I couldn't by a modern dictaphone where you can download straight to your computer. I was traveling on a budget! Yes, it's an old school dictaphone with mini cassette tapes. Cute!

I've had a rough time of it the last three or four days. There was a bump in the road, quite literally. I was rummaging through some of my things tonight and I came across said dictaphone and I hit play. I liked hearing my voice on those tapes. Although at times it quivered, there was a certain strength in her voice, this me from a few months ago. I was so....aligned then. I knew that I was of the universe and that everything was in it's place. I knew the Earth and I new my Self even though I had NO idea how life was about to unfold. A river guide friend of mine put it best when I met up with him on that trip. "You're in the Eddy", he had said, and I was.  Like I said, I had no idea then what was going to happen but I knew so much. I knew.

I was glad to hear her voice tonight, I needed that. I needed to remember that there is a knowing that I can't un-know even though at times I wish I could. The thing is, I asked to be re-membered, and I still belong to that voice I heard although so much has happened. It's okay to be in the eddy.

I wrote this around the same time of the mini tapes and I find it fitting right now:
--
I walk away
Holding my heart in my hands
Tenderly
For I know she is slightly bruised
And a little bit tired
Thanking her
Every step of the way
--
Tomorrow, once again I walk (or limp) away. And I'm reminded once again, to do so gently.

Good Day

I had a really good day today. Not your typical good day full of sunshine and roses. In fact it's quite dreary outside today. The idea that San Diego is constantly sunny and seventy degrees is not true. Okay it is usually seventy degrees but June is known for it's gloom here.

No it wasn't a day full of sunshine, certainly not a good hair day, I didn't even wake up to a great cup of coffee. In fact I wouldn't even call it an easy day. Once again my body is in pain. I spent an hour on the phone with the credit card company disputing a fraudulent charge. And really, my hair just doesn't look good today. But a good day nonetheless. Good because there's something going on inside of me. A shift of sorts. A shift in my body, a shift in my heart, a shift in Grandmother Earth that I am a part of. I had a really intense massage. My therapist could feel it to. He said that he could feel something moving around in my heart space. Moving around so much that he could feel it vibrating. I am grateful to those around me who have the strength and the knowing to witness this shift and to those who help facilitate it. We are all connected.

There is a lot going on in my heart. It is a journey for me to be true to what is there. A small part of me is against the shift, doesn't want to change and would rather get caught up in things that don't hold any significance and take the easier road. A bigger part of me wants to turn towards the shift, say yes to it and all of it's love, pain and mystery. Take the higher, harder road. As I write about saying yes the sun that I haven't seen all day shines through the stain glass window of the Ideal Hotel where I sit and creates a burst of light. More shiny things. My tears created this moment!

There is a quote that I'm going to butcher here because I don't have it in front of me but it says something about how it is not our darkness that we are afraid of but our light. I find this to be entirely true. I am familiar with my darkness, even friends with it. It is my light that I am discovering daily. It is the idea that I am powerful beyond measure that scares me, and still, I say yes. Yes to the shift, yes to the Earth and yes to a good day.

If

If I created a story how would it read?
Drama, rapture, climax, broken hearts?
If you were to die, what gifts would you leave?
Trust, grace, dignity, offspring?
If the Earth could speak what words would she form?
Betrayal, lies, fear, death?
Aren't all of our stories gifts of hope?
Earth's story is one of Love.
One of us. We are her and she is in us.
What medicine is in you to give back?

A Simple Ring

I bought a ring after I got divorced because it felt funny to not wear one after I took my wedding ring off. It's nothing special, I think I paid twenty dollars for it. It's a simple ring, sterling silver with a hammered finish. It could pass for a men's ring. I wear it on the ring finger on my right hand. I can't stop looking at it today. I take it off and look through it. A perfect, never ending circle. Although I've had it since 2005 I've not paid it much attention. A couple of years ago I left it in one of the camp showers at City of the Rocks. When I realized what I'd done an hour or so later, I ran back to the showers, praying it was there. It sat just above the soap dish. It's just a simple ring. I would miss it if I was gone.

Shiny things.

What? I'm shy...

Recently I was planning to attend a class or something, I can't remember exactly what the event was. I was talking to my roommate before hand and telling her how nervous I was about it. She said to me, "Really? I didn't think you got nervous about these kinds of things." Of course I do! I'll admit I do a lot of things by myself. If I always depended on other people to hang out with me I wouldn't do near as many things as I do, nor would I have met a lot of the people I have met. But I still get nervous and have a hard time not talking myself out of going. In fact, I still consider myself a relatively shy person. Tonight I'm going to a dinner where I will know absolutely no one and the only reason I know I won't  back out it because I already bought a dish.

Then I started to think, what is it exactly what I'm nervous about? Whether or not people will like me? No, that's not it. I have plenty of people who like me and not enough time for those who don't. If there's one thing I've learned this past year it's that I'm not that comfortable in my comfort zone. I am a little bit nervous about busting out of these ridiculous jeans right now. You know what? I think I like the nerves. Maybe it's not nerves but excitement. It's a bit of a rush and just like everything else I've done, I'm sure I'll discover that there was nothing to be nervous about.

I went to a concert by myself a couple of months ago. It was at the Casbah and I felt totally comfortable. I was however, a bit of an anomaly there. I got a lot of "You're hear by yourself?" "Yes", I would say proudly, "I am."

Showing Up

I am coming into a new understanding of love. Love for Self, love for Other's, love for the Earth, love for a place... Love is everywhere, love is all things. This is big love, this is Mystery, and it is in all of us.

Lately I feel as though I am a student of love and this includes learning about love as it pertains to partnership and how that may or may not fit into my life. It is imbedded in us from early childhood that we grow up, we fall in love we get married and we have babies we are happy. This sounds nice and I know plenty of people who have beautiful families and this has worked out well for them. We all know other's who are miserable in their relationship and other's still who lose themselves in their partner and others that struggle to find that special someone. We all have our own journeys with love and it is so interesting to me to be a spectator of others 'relationships' as well as my own.

I read an article in Rock & Ice magazine of all places (I've always had a thing for climbers). The article was written by John Long and this was his response when asked about women. I related to what he was saying and  particularly enjoyed the following excerpts:

"My life is paradoxical, full of discord and not-knowing. But there are also moments on the bed in the lamplight, and you want to show up for these because that's where the paradoxes resolve themselves, where for the time it takes a tear to dry, we taste the open-hearted freedom. And it's often just a look, two palms flushed together, all the simplest things."

"She placed both palms flat on my chest - there was a strong medicine in her hands. then she leaned her face over mine. Have you ever tasted a tear? She kissed me and said she could only love for a few hours at a time. But what a few hours. Then she laid her head on my chest and we traveled. That might sound mawkish, but the encounter itself was stripped down, like torch singers in that empty bar, singing a melody so fragile it was barely there. These are the moments that make a life. That much I know for sure."

I may not have a traditional relationship, nor may I ever. What I know today is that I've shown up these moments that John talks about and I am so blessed to have a life full of love.