Feeling the Pull

I am sitting at Cafe Diablo in Torrey waiting for my lunch. My truck has brought me "up the mountain" as it needed a new starter. Fixed and ready to go, it touches a longing in me to get back on the road. As I laid down on the edge of Capital Reef, contemplating self and life, in and out of doziness, my desire to keep going increased; driving, listening, stopping when or wherever, living simply; just me and the highway like so many times before.

I find it incredibly interesting to watch this pull in myself and recognize the tension caused between craving for home and  and the sense of wander in me as a constant in not just one aspect of my life.  Fortunately and maybe not coincidentally I currently live in a place that touches both the wanderer in me (just minutes from my house it's easy to get lost amongst the sandstone) as well as the one who longs for community and place.

The question is, am I able to balance both? To step into home, community and deep connection, fighting the instinct to bolt from that which I want? I think so. I think I can find the equilibrium,  and it's time. Time to do the work, balance it with play and to stop handing out "the speech". As I commit to community theater, a new teacher and changes at work, I recognize myself shifting into summer, bringing me home or 'home for now'. All the while saying hello and goodbye to friends, old and new.

A friend of mine asked today “when does it get better?” I’ve been thinking about this a lot and what the answer is for me because it has gotten better,  and not due to circumstance or even environment. Nor can I say exactly when it happened, but it is better!

This is not to say that my heart doesn’t break regularly but that it breaks open in a way of beauty and trust. It doesn’t mean I understand why we’re apart, or that my body doesn't ache occasionally or that I know what to do with the anger that seems to have shown up after grief. Nor does it say that the desert wind doesn't seem like too much but sometimes.....and at other times, the breeze  that stirs the sagebrush, stirs my being in just the right way. It may mean than I am honing the practice of turning toward what is present for me, doing my best to live authentically and in integrity and letting "the soft animal of my body love what it loves".

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"Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Equality

In 2008, as I watched a pride flag fly in front of the world map engraved in the Mormon church office building amongst a sea of people, my heart swelled full of gratitude to be a part of such an important time in history. This image is imbedded in my mind even five years later as I read stories of both hate and love, around the arguments that have made their way to the supreme court, feeling gratitude still, as well as grief that we as a human race still find in necessary to even discuss marriage equality

With every year, nearly thirty three now, comes new insight, challenges and growth tied into my personal sexuality, yet never defined by it. In the past, I spent a long time attempting to redefine the way I love, to no avail. You see, I'm not gay, although not very straight . I love. I love short, tall, fat skinny, old, disabled, blonde, brunette, masculine, feminine, blonde, brunette, man and woman.

I love and I do so fully, regardless of past wounds, heartache, let alone gender. I was once married to a man, a relationship that did nothing for "protecting the sanctity of marriage". My current relationship is with a woman and is wrapped in beauty although it has it's challenges (i.e. long distance, overcoming fear, two extremely sensitive beings coming together), our relationship harms no one except maybe the feelings of my sweet, brave parents. Like I said, I've had my own struggle with self acceptance when I was young and even now I am not comfortable with the stares I may or may not be imaging that she and I receive when we are out together in public. Honestly, my biggest concern about the government recognizing our relationship is that she's Canadian and I'm American. So we have several lines to cross including boarder lines and equal signs.

This is just a little about a very small part of my journey with partnership, love and marriage. I have no idea if I will get married in the future and if I do so it will be merely to celebrate myself and whom I choose to love. It is also to say, let us be. Let us all be who we strive to be and treat one another equally, regardless of whom we fall in love with, how we decide to dress or to what or whom we pray to. We all deserve the same rights not as gay or straight, foreign or native, Christian or Agnostic, but as beings on this planet. Love is why we are here. Whether you or I love a man or a woman, are single or have a large family, let us strive to be better, to treat each other equally and with respect. I understand it is not about me personally, it is about all of us as a human race, striving to be the best we can be, to love in it's most raw form, to eat healthy real food that was meant to nourish us, not starve us of what we need most. Let us love in this manner as well, not only in marriage or relationship but in every day with every living being.