The White Unicorn

A friend of mine that I've known for about ten years, who has also played the role of my pseudo boyfriend for a lot longer than I'd like to admit (an entirely different story), used to call me the white unicorn. The way he saw it, I was that girl who doesn't exist, too good to be true.  I was a hot climber chic with a road bike and a strong, independent woman. Oh, it would get to me when he would call me that. "But I do exist!" I would say to no one in particular, "I'm right here!". 

One day, after he'd called me this at least a dozen times I realized something that was interesting to admit....he was right. Not that I was "to good to be true" but in my own way I was inaccessible. I even had a speech that I handed out when necessary. The words changed depending on the recipient but the basic premise is the same and usually enough to keep another at arms length if not shove them away completely. I even said to one such suitor "I don't do sleep overs". I immediately thought "Really? Did I just say that?" Luckily we were good enough friends to have a good laugh about it. I was so afraid that I used the "speech" almost daily with someone I was really into. Our connection terrified me and I did everything to
push this person away. It worked.

We have all experienced heartache, I know I am not special in that regard. I've come to realize that this has very little to do with my inability to fall in love. This is only one way my fear of having an open heart has manifested itself. After all Love is so much bigger than romantic partners or even family members. Love encompasses everything, we only have to recognize this. In my fear I had forgotten this. In my love for my Self and Other's I have re-membered.

Anti Feelings?

Anti Depressents

I've avoided the topic as it takes some of us out of our comfort zones including myself because in the past I have not been one to be controversial (this seems to be changing daily).  I am not going to write about anti depressants because I am against them or because I "don't believe in them". I am not suggesting that they have not brought hope to those who have none or that they have not saved lives, including the lives of some of my loved ones. I write about anti depressants because they have been and continue to be a large part of my journey, and an important one.

I took anti depressants for almost ten straight years. Before that, I had taken them at different times in my youth, mostly when I was in the hospital being treated for a drug addiction at seventeen.  I had suffered from what society would label as depression for most of my life and although I had accepted that label I fought going on medication until I was about twenty or twenty one. I did not want to be dependent on drugs. Maybe I didn't want to bury whatever was aching inside of me so badly. But I was so scared to turn towards it. I didn't know what "it" was but I knew it was dark, ugly and terrifying. It was me and I feared that I couldn't get out of it. Yes, there were many times in my life when I wanted to die. Would I have done anything serious about it? You don't have to ask that question, I'm still here.

I did not feel capable of living a "normal" life. So I filled the scrip, I put on the mask. Looking back on it now, I didn't want the life I had been living. The life I myself had created based on what I had been taught to believe, directly and indirectly by "normal" society. I hid behind a mask called Paxil and Welbrutrin. I began to do things only one behind a mask could do. When those masks stopped covering my face I traded them in for Prozac. Last year a shift occurred. I felt a great longing for my Self. Not without deep contemplation, and to the dismay of my friends and family and help from other friends and family, as my journey became a more soulful one, I slowly removed the mask.

It has not been easy, looking at my Self in the mirror without it. It has not been easy to surrender to emotions as they come up. I'll admit that there have been times when I have questioned my decision to be essentially drug free, when I wonder if I can do this with out my chemical romance. There was also a time in my life when I didn't think I could do this without cigarettes either, and I seemed to have survived. Many have advised me to go back on medication, including my western medical doctor who was almost insistent. I'll admit, I almost gave in to others doubts. Can I do this without the help of medication? Do I even want to try anymore? I cried out in desperation and the answer came to me simply, yes. Move forward, continue your work. Turn towards whatever comes up.

As I was actually contemplating going back on meds, even after all the hard work I've done, I came upon this very courageous article by Chris Norris in the Men's Journal (trust me, not something I read regularly). It's called "Medicated Me" or "My Chemical Romance".

"I had a choice: I could re-mask those icebergs with the chemicals I’d just gotten off or I could learn to navigate around them or shrink them to manageable size. I would discover new strengths, while I slowly found my way out of this years-coming crisis. The work would be painful, scary, and challenging but could eventually yield the kind of true personal growth that sustains a lifetime."

http://chrisnorriswordsandmusic.com/pages/stories/medicated.php

*I would never reccomend that any of my readers discontinue medication especially without doing so gradually with the help of a physiscian. I made this decision after three consistent years of psychotherapy and took several months to wein myself off of the medication. I had the assistance of a naturopath who put me on a very strict diet and regualar accupuncture and NLP. I would never have taken such a big step without a very strong support system.