This year at Christmas

There have been several people who have said things to me like "I want your life!" You want my what? or "I wish I could do what you do." You wish you could....do what exactly? What is it that I do? Or maybe, what is that I don't do, that others would rather not. Well, I don't answer to anyone. I make decisions, seemingly big decisions based on.....based on my heart. Based on a knowing that exists there. Based on nothing else. Decisions that don't necessarily make sense logistically but that make sense in a way of the world, of the Earth, and of my Self.

And there are times, when, yes I'll admit, I've been terrified. Had no money, not expecting to have any, anytime soon and then boom, from somewhere comes, something. Not a check, actually sometimes a check or a job or a dinner or a place to be. And I answer to my Self, which may be harder, in my case, than answering to someone else. A friend recently admitted to me that he does not like feeling vulnerable. My response was "I feel vulnerable everyday!" It's true. I do and I absolutely love it. I'm vulnerable in love, in hope in this guessing game of high risk when really, I've nothing to lose.

There are tears, excitement, anxiety and laughter. Mostly at myself. At this life I've created that I sometimes call incredible and sometimes others call ridiculous. A life where I know, even through the pain, that magic happens. As I sit here, alone on Christmas Eve I know that you can do this life that I do, have the freedom that I have. There is nothing to regret, nothing to hold onto and everywhere to be. To be right here, right now. Am I waiting for what's next? No. I am here, still terrified, still knowing and still loving with all that I am, all that I have been.

Merry Christmas.

Poetry from Peru

There was one who became love
Who became knowing
Like a ravenous river slowed down
by nature's source
Coming out of the eddy
Unattached to any branch or stone
In her own beautiful way
She manifests a story without words
Tending to the same garden
Nurturing the same soil
By the wind she dances
Without comparison or admiration
In awe of the movement that
belongs to stillness
She once bore a name that is no longer hers
____

I woke this morning to the sound of Rooster
And I am blessed again with the opportunity
to witness the day come alive.
I hear pounding in my chest and know that it
belongs to my Self and the morning dawn.
Padreo and Luna my eyes know yours.
Although you may not remember me
you will know a visitor held you here.
Home wherever I go
I may return to this place where I
lost my Self and remembered everything
Here, I took courage.
____

I could spend a thousand days like this one
Lost in the stillness of my own heart
Charged by the sun
And words I don't understand
____

In you I've loved, hardly laughed and nearly died
With all of my being I thank you
Knowing you did the best you knew how
I love you and I give you to Madre Titicacca
With a stillness, a peace in my heart and with
gratitude

I'll make no more apologies for you or for me
All the beauty in this life belongs to both of us
If you refuse to look, you will not see
_____

My Love, My Heart
Where the Earth dances and the moon calls herself Luna
I came to sing your story
To know it as a river running through me
In the web that makes up this life
I've only began to weave without you
Watch over me as I you
Now without weight, without strings
I give to you your wings
And in gratitude I too take flight
With Grace

Be Earth Now

Yes, it feels good to be here and my senses could not be happier :) I have visited so many sacred places with incredible energy. I've been through huge shifts and it's been crazy to see the events of the past to come together, especially during a four day intensive with Theo and Pepe. The last night of the intensive was especially powerful. I was able to turn towards something that I had buried deep inside of myself and in turning towards this I was able to let go and experience love greater that i could ever imagine. I feel back inside my Self with a clear head and grateful heart. Grateful to have paid attention to my link to Peru, the vision quest and so much more, not knowing why but trusting what I could not see. My heart is full, my stance is strong and I feel my Self moving into the next phase of life with strength, beauty and knowing. I have re-membered.

Some of you may be more interested in what I've seen here although to me this trip is more about feeling and experiences. Some of the highlights have been Cachora and three children that I absolutely fell in love with, along with the land there. I've been to Machu Picchu, Pisaq, Ollantaytambo and Moray. I visited the sacred mountain Ausungate and witnessed the most beautiful Dispacho (prayer to the Earth). I've discharged and recharged through sacred Apus and rocks. I've lived, loved and laughed with new friends and old.

Some asked when I left the states if I thought I was coming back. Yes, I will return, but different somehow. No, not different, but the person that I've been hiding from. The person I was meant to be. When i think back on my journey, I'm reminded of a few lines in a poem by Rilke: You are not surprised at the force of the storm, you have seen it growing. It wants to sink back into the source of everything. Be Earth now and evensong.


Onto a Vast Plain
Rainer Maria Rilke

You are not surprised at the force of the storm—
you have seen it growing.
The trees flee. Their flight
sets the boulevards streaming. And you know:
he whom they flee is the one
you move toward. All your senses
sing him, as you stand at the window.

The weeks stood still in summer.
The trees' blood rose. Now you feel
it wants to sink back
into the source of everything. You thought
you could trust that power
when you plucked the fruit:
now it becomes a riddle again 
and you again a stranger.

Summer was like your house: you knew
where each thing stood.
Now you must go out into your heart
as onto a vast plain. Now
the immense loneliness begins.

The days go numb, the wind
sucks the world from your senses like withered leaves.

Through the empty branches the sky remains.
It is what you have.
Be earth now, and evensong.
Be the ground lying under that sky.
Be modest now, like a thing
ripened until it is real,
so that he who began it all
can feel you when he reaches for you.

The Year in Stories - Life as a Wanderer Part II

......Continued from previous post.

On the Road

As I prepared for the vision quest, I packed Baby Blue to the hilt and hit the road. I took a couple of days to drive to California, camping at the Valley of Fire. I have learned to love camping by myself. Wandering the land, making salmon and rice on my little back packing stove, building a fire (which I have yet to master).

Once I arrived in San Diego, I was blessed to be able to take a week or so to nurture my Self at the ocean and in a beautiful home, preparing emotionally and spirtually for the Vision Quest. As I drove towards Anza Borrego, which is an incredibly beautiful drive through mountains and desert, I felt strong, confident, and knowing that this journey I was about to embark on was meant for me. Driving this same road back to the city thirteen days later somehow took hours longer. I felt a strength and knowing that I had never felt before and at the same time I was overwhelmed by traffic and fuel centers and could not help but stared at that silly game that you feed money and attempt to grab a stuffed animal with an impossible claw. How do I show up in this crazy world?!

I spent some more time in San Diego before hitting the road. I don't remember much of this time, coming out of the Vision Quest was like waking from a profound dream. Somewhat foggy and somehow changed. I remember going to see The Cave Singers perform at the Casbah. It was an incredible show and although I went by myself I felt connected to the music, the movement, and the people around me. It's difficult to put into words but my way of being with Other's had shifted. I've always been sensitive but I was very aware of the energy around me. Another memory that comes up from that time is going out for taco tuesday in Ocean Beach with a friend of mine from the vision quest who was also spending time in San Diego with her younger brother. I remember being in this crazy crowded bar full of young people, much cooler than myself, waiting for our tacos. Suddenly had a really strong urge to pull my journal out of my bag and start writing. (Journaling was a huge part of the VQ, I had it with me constantly and filled pages and pages.) I fought the urge, and instead gawked in amazement at the scene around me.

I left California for Utah sometime around the end of March. I took a different route that I normally do, up through Arizona for a change in scenery. I took my time. I really do love being on the road. Camping added a lot to the experience. It was so simple. Only a couple changes of clothes, few options of what to eat. After spending thirteen days camping in Anza Borrego, I had a system down. I spent time on the land, camping in Oak Creek Canyon above Sedona, tending the fire and reading Siddartha, wandering around confused by city in Flagstaff until I finally settled in at a kitchy little coffee shop to catch up on email. As I drove I talked to myself, and I talked to Audrey, the same friend from the VQ I hung out with in San Diego. I pulled over at my favorite rest stop/overlook in Northern Arizona to talk with her about how our reintigration into the "real world" was going. I did not have much contact with my people in Utah during this time. I was not sure what to say about what I had been through. Looking back on it now, I was afraid of rejection. I had left as X and was coming back as Y, I did not know what Other's role in my life would be. It scared me.

I'll never forget camping at Navajo National Monument. There was nothing extremely signifgant about it but it was one of the best nights of my life. It was about fifteen miles from the highway and I was literally the only person in the entire park. The season had not yet begun, not even a park ranger was there. It was absolutely beautiful and cold and a little intimidating to be there alone. As the sun went down and the tempature dropped, I did not feel a lone. I felt connected. Connected to the Earth, to the animals around me that I could hear but not see. I felt a part of the beauty that surrounded me.

I was headed to Moab, Utah to run a half marathon. Again, driving into Moab I was overcome with emotion. If you've never been, Moab and surrounding area is one of the most mysterious, magical deserts I've ever been to, and I would imagine in the world. Although I've spent a lot of time there, the time I spent in Moab this past spring was different. I spent over a week there and really fell in love with the area allthough I'd been there many times before. Being in a different place spiritually really opened my eyes to the land. After the race, I moved slowy and really took in my surroundings. I explored areas I've never been before, both in the desert and in my heart. I watched the weather, touched the sandstone, listened to the river. I saw my Self in another's eyes. I was entirely present and time fell away. It didn't matter. I could have stayed and I wanted to and I asked. The answer I got was not now.

Stay tuned for Part III

Good Day

I had a really good day today. Not your typical good day full of sunshine and roses. In fact it's quite dreary outside today. The idea that San Diego is constantly sunny and seventy degrees is not true. Okay it is usually seventy degrees but June is known for it's gloom here.

No it wasn't a day full of sunshine, certainly not a good hair day, I didn't even wake up to a great cup of coffee. In fact I wouldn't even call it an easy day. Once again my body is in pain. I spent an hour on the phone with the credit card company disputing a fraudulent charge. And really, my hair just doesn't look good today. But a good day nonetheless. Good because there's something going on inside of me. A shift of sorts. A shift in my body, a shift in my heart, a shift in Grandmother Earth that I am a part of. I had a really intense massage. My therapist could feel it to. He said that he could feel something moving around in my heart space. Moving around so much that he could feel it vibrating. I am grateful to those around me who have the strength and the knowing to witness this shift and to those who help facilitate it. We are all connected.

There is a lot going on in my heart. It is a journey for me to be true to what is there. A small part of me is against the shift, doesn't want to change and would rather get caught up in things that don't hold any significance and take the easier road. A bigger part of me wants to turn towards the shift, say yes to it and all of it's love, pain and mystery. Take the higher, harder road. As I write about saying yes the sun that I haven't seen all day shines through the stain glass window of the Ideal Hotel where I sit and creates a burst of light. More shiny things. My tears created this moment!

There is a quote that I'm going to butcher here because I don't have it in front of me but it says something about how it is not our darkness that we are afraid of but our light. I find this to be entirely true. I am familiar with my darkness, even friends with it. It is my light that I am discovering daily. It is the idea that I am powerful beyond measure that scares me, and still, I say yes. Yes to the shift, yes to the Earth and yes to a good day.

If

If I created a story how would it read?
Drama, rapture, climax, broken hearts?
If you were to die, what gifts would you leave?
Trust, grace, dignity, offspring?
If the Earth could speak what words would she form?
Betrayal, lies, fear, death?
Aren't all of our stories gifts of hope?
Earth's story is one of Love.
One of us. We are her and she is in us.
What medicine is in you to give back?

Shiny Things

I must say I am feeling somewhat desperate. I have committed to the grief, it has been difficult to stay present with it. It is hard not to attach my stories to the grief. My body is in so much pain, it hurts to sit still as much as it hurts to move. I was hoping the grieving would release some of this but I woke up hurting more this morning than I did yesterday. I want to use what I have learned to get through this but it is getting harder to remember the tools I have acquired. At times I know that my people are with me and that I am connected to the Earth and there are other times that I feel lost and scared and completely alone.

Yesterday at the ocean I remembered a time in February that I was running on the beach. I believe it was a day or two before the vision quest. As I was running I kept getting distracted by the beauty of the waves and I finally gave in and began to play in them like a child. I was overwhelmed with a sense of love and light that I have never experienced before. I told this story during the first vision quest council and described it as falling in love with my Self. I was the love and the light I felt that day. I have to remember that I am still Love and Light, although I can't currently run or play, and at times the grief seems to overwhelm me. I am of the Earth. That is why I am here, grieving now.

A friend of mine told me of a village where they honor their grief daily and their tears are known as jade beads that make things shine. I give my jade beads to the Earth. So I am asking you, when you see shiny things like leaves glimmering in the sun or a raindrop on a blade of grass, think of me and my tears and help me remember that we are connected and I am not alone. Maybe even give a jade bead of your own.