The Year in Stories Part - Life of A Wanderer Part III

Continued......

Grief and Pain

When I settled down in San Diego for a few months a lot of my "stuff" came up. I started this blog then as a 'practice' of telling my stories and learning more about my Self and the journey that I'm on. If you've followed "re-membered stories" you know that I had a lot of grief come up during this time. It took weeks of feeling physically ill and believing that I was being revisited by my old friend depression, when I decided to turn towards the grief. Once I made this decision it poured out of me. My physical discomfort assisted the grief and helped it bubble to the surface.

I was in a good place to go through this. Away from the comfort of friends and family, I was unable to distract myself or hide and bury what I was feeling. I had to turn inward and find a way to comfort my Self and find strength in the core of my being. My friend D, who I was living with was able to give me the space and acceptance I needed to wail and rant and rave and rest and laugh. The ocean was my sanction, and the perfect container for my tears. I began to know that there was a reason for the grief and the pain, that it would help me continue to cultivate my gifts and really understand grief so that I can help others grieve. I also learned the importance of self love and compassion, intigration and nurturing self.

I spent time at the Ideal Hotel and Red Lotus Society, a community of seekers and peace education. I volunteered at the tea room and was able to attend yoga, meditation, and other classes. (I was heartbroken to hear that the Red Lotus Society has since evacuated the hotel.) I began practicing Falun Gong regulary, and on the beach in Encinidas.

Back in Utah

An oppurtunity came up to work in Utah this Summer so I came back in July, knowing that there was unfinished work here with some commitments I had made to my Self on the vision quest. My time here has been an intense journey of shifting and more severence. Old patterns and ways of being continue to creep in and I am constantly learning what I do and do not find comfort in, what is nurturing for me. Relationships have shifted and there has been a lot of grief in that but such shifts are making way for new relationships. I find strength in my relationship with my authentic self, although it is not always easy to be true to that.

I have found love and support in unexpected places and am surprised by this life that I have created. The days have become unspoken gifts. Gifts of love and learning. My health still suffers but I am cultivating a new relationship with my body and I have accepted this as part of the shift. I have a lot to make up for as I tried for years to ignore my body.

I am living in gratitude, learning from different mentors, teachers and friends. Growing from Grandmother Earth and my relationship with her and Self. As I go forward making decisions with my heart and arguing with old beliefs that no longer serve me, I know that anything I can plan is too small so I do not make many plans.

In a lot of ways this past year has been the hardest of my life. It is not easy to really turn towards Self, and it has been such a blessing to reflect on my journey this past month through re-membered stories. "Pathmaker, there is no path. The path is made by walking."

Loss & Vitality

I had an incredible appointment with my naturopath today that began with a poem I read in Ode Magazine while in the waiting room, and ended with two people who are genuinlly concerned for me and my health (very different from my experience with a western medicine doctor a month or so ago).

I left thinking about the relationship between vitality and loss. Why? I dunno, this is the way my mind works lately. I believe that not much is accidental and I've noticed that when I look at life metaphorically, I learn so much more about life and Self. So here's what brought me to start thinking about the link between these two unseemingly connected subjects.

I'll start with the poem I read about loss:

You are cloud, sea, forgetting;
you are also what you lost in a moment
we are all those who have left
The reflection of our face in the mirror changes each instant
and every day has it's own labyrinth.
The cloud vanishing in the sunset is our image;
endlessly, a rose becomes another rose.


--Jorge Luis Borges


When I am getting accupuncture, as my naturuopath is putting in the needles, she asks me to take a deep breath, breathing in health and vitality, breathing out any tension or stress. This is what got me thinking about vitality. Here are some of the definitions from the dictionary:

1.capacity to live and develop; also : physical or mental vigor especially when highly developed
2.power of enduring

Several years ago I was working through some grief with my therapist at the time and I remember saying "Am I going to spend my entire life grieving?" In the past six months I have cultivated my relationship with grief, knowing that yes grief and vitality can and do go hand in hand. Also knowing that grief is a constant journey in this life. Has grief helped with my compacity to live and develop? Absolutely! Is it directly tied into my power of enduring? Yes, I believe so. Martin Pretchel reminds us in his speech "Grief and Praise", if we don't grieve something after it is gone, it means we didn't love it, we didn't live it.

I am what I lost in a moment. And I'll take with me what I learned from that loss. Through loss, I will grow and I will gain, as a rose becomes another rose. 

The Year in Stories - Life as a Wanderer Part II

......Continued from previous post.

On the Road

As I prepared for the vision quest, I packed Baby Blue to the hilt and hit the road. I took a couple of days to drive to California, camping at the Valley of Fire. I have learned to love camping by myself. Wandering the land, making salmon and rice on my little back packing stove, building a fire (which I have yet to master).

Once I arrived in San Diego, I was blessed to be able to take a week or so to nurture my Self at the ocean and in a beautiful home, preparing emotionally and spirtually for the Vision Quest. As I drove towards Anza Borrego, which is an incredibly beautiful drive through mountains and desert, I felt strong, confident, and knowing that this journey I was about to embark on was meant for me. Driving this same road back to the city thirteen days later somehow took hours longer. I felt a strength and knowing that I had never felt before and at the same time I was overwhelmed by traffic and fuel centers and could not help but stared at that silly game that you feed money and attempt to grab a stuffed animal with an impossible claw. How do I show up in this crazy world?!

I spent some more time in San Diego before hitting the road. I don't remember much of this time, coming out of the Vision Quest was like waking from a profound dream. Somewhat foggy and somehow changed. I remember going to see The Cave Singers perform at the Casbah. It was an incredible show and although I went by myself I felt connected to the music, the movement, and the people around me. It's difficult to put into words but my way of being with Other's had shifted. I've always been sensitive but I was very aware of the energy around me. Another memory that comes up from that time is going out for taco tuesday in Ocean Beach with a friend of mine from the vision quest who was also spending time in San Diego with her younger brother. I remember being in this crazy crowded bar full of young people, much cooler than myself, waiting for our tacos. Suddenly had a really strong urge to pull my journal out of my bag and start writing. (Journaling was a huge part of the VQ, I had it with me constantly and filled pages and pages.) I fought the urge, and instead gawked in amazement at the scene around me.

I left California for Utah sometime around the end of March. I took a different route that I normally do, up through Arizona for a change in scenery. I took my time. I really do love being on the road. Camping added a lot to the experience. It was so simple. Only a couple changes of clothes, few options of what to eat. After spending thirteen days camping in Anza Borrego, I had a system down. I spent time on the land, camping in Oak Creek Canyon above Sedona, tending the fire and reading Siddartha, wandering around confused by city in Flagstaff until I finally settled in at a kitchy little coffee shop to catch up on email. As I drove I talked to myself, and I talked to Audrey, the same friend from the VQ I hung out with in San Diego. I pulled over at my favorite rest stop/overlook in Northern Arizona to talk with her about how our reintigration into the "real world" was going. I did not have much contact with my people in Utah during this time. I was not sure what to say about what I had been through. Looking back on it now, I was afraid of rejection. I had left as X and was coming back as Y, I did not know what Other's role in my life would be. It scared me.

I'll never forget camping at Navajo National Monument. There was nothing extremely signifgant about it but it was one of the best nights of my life. It was about fifteen miles from the highway and I was literally the only person in the entire park. The season had not yet begun, not even a park ranger was there. It was absolutely beautiful and cold and a little intimidating to be there alone. As the sun went down and the tempature dropped, I did not feel a lone. I felt connected. Connected to the Earth, to the animals around me that I could hear but not see. I felt a part of the beauty that surrounded me.

I was headed to Moab, Utah to run a half marathon. Again, driving into Moab I was overcome with emotion. If you've never been, Moab and surrounding area is one of the most mysterious, magical deserts I've ever been to, and I would imagine in the world. Although I've spent a lot of time there, the time I spent in Moab this past spring was different. I spent over a week there and really fell in love with the area allthough I'd been there many times before. Being in a different place spiritually really opened my eyes to the land. After the race, I moved slowy and really took in my surroundings. I explored areas I've never been before, both in the desert and in my heart. I watched the weather, touched the sandstone, listened to the river. I saw my Self in another's eyes. I was entirely present and time fell away. It didn't matter. I could have stayed and I wanted to and I asked. The answer I got was not now.

Stay tuned for Part III

The Year in Stories - Life as a Wanderer Part I

Shaking things Up

Approximately a year ago I left my job of ten years not knowing or much caring what was next but knowing that I was unfulfilled and longing for...what? I had some savings, paid out vacation and a cleaning job at which I made a few hundred dollars a month. I sold most of my furniture, had a yard sale and donated much of what was left. (Two of my friends currently have some of my things in their houses and my clothes in their closets from that time.)

With a flood of emotion I moved out of the only apartment I ever really called home. I had carefully chosen the paint and the decor. One could walk in and instantly have an idea of who I was. I loved being there alone with Sage or throwing parties with friends from different backgrounds that might not normally come together if they were not bound by me. When I walked in for the last time, this place that I loved and lived was empty except for my beloved dog and bike, and I completely broke down. My beautiful neighbor helped me smudge the place and overcome with grief, I walked away from all that I had worked for.

Going Inward

The next several months were a time of great reflextion and beginning to really look at my Self in a way that I had previously been afraid to. It was a time of severance. Letting go of old beliefs about that did not service my Soul. Getting to know my Self without the label "depression" over my head. Welcoming my "loyal soldiers" home, thanking them for protecting me and giving them new orders. I read books, wrote pages and pages in my journal, and dove into my work with my spiritual mentor, Nancy. I began to see an incredible Naturopath, Dr. Babbie Lester and she helped me get off of anti-depressants with acupuncture, a strict diet and some NLP work. I mostly lived with my brother and every other weekend and once during the week I stayed with my friends the MacGregor's. Our friendship flourished as well as other relationships such as that with my mother and a friendship with someone I had dated and fallen in love with the previous year. Surprisingly, there were other friendships that began dissapate. This was very difficult for me. I had never had such a large network of friends as I had that year and it was with their support that I found the strength to make some of the decisions I had made. How could some of them not understand what I was doing? Not only that but be scared of me and my path? But I had to accept that at that time, I didn't have anything to learn from these people and they had nothing to receive from me. I did not have a job but I was doing the most important work of my life.

Vision Quest
My life was going in a new direction and all of this was great but what was I going to do with it? What was my purpose? As I was crying out for direction to a woman that has played an integral role in my journey mentioned Vision Quest and directed me to go out and get the book "Soulcraft" by Bill Plotkin, and to start reading it now. I did and wow did it speak to me. As I read about the art of being lost and searching for your one unique gift and finding that gift through nature I fell in love with this book and new that I would do my Vision Quest with Animas Valley Institute.

My particular Vision Quest took place in the Anza Borrego desert of California. This was a sacred, profound time in a sacred place full of sharing, more severance, ceremony, cultivating my relationship with the Earth, and knowing. I spent 12 days in the desert with fourteen beautiful people that I was blessed to get to know in a very profound way. Four of those days consisted of a fast and solo out on the land. It was amazing to see how all the work that I had done, without knowing, was in preparation for the Vision Quest. Not just any Vision Quest, but this particular Vision Quest, with these particular people in that particular time and on that particular land. You've witness bits and pits of it here and I myself only understand glimpes of it now but I believe over time I will begin to understand it more. I have also noticed recently that I as I step further into my authentic self, I feel inspired to share more about my Vision Quest. If you ever have questions, feel free to ask.

To be continued.........

Practices and Peru

Wow. I am going to Peru at the end of the month. In my heart, I've known that I am going but it just became official last week. The Peru thing has  been such a journey for me already and the physical journey is over three weeks away. Oh my God, it's only three weeks away!

Here are some gifts that my journey with Peru has helped me remember and continue to put into practice.

• Don't be attached to the outcome. This has been a great one for me and takes a lot of practice. Peru started with a possible job offer that I was really excited about. Said job would incorporate my previous experience and fit the some of the criteria I had not even specified until job offer got put on hold. Which leads me to the next little pearl I've received from Peru.....
• I have a greater understanding what it is that I want. This is not necessarily something that Peru can take credit for but when the job offer seemed like it had fallen through a dear friend asked me what had attracted me to Peru. I listed off five or six things pretty quickly and realized, "Oh, this is exactly what I want to create". A year ago when I left my job I had know idea what that was. My life experience (particularly in the last year) has helped me to refine that list.
• It is okay to ask for help. This is an ongoing journey for me and I know it will continue to show up until I figure it out. I have the ability to make things happen and sometimes that consists of reaching out for support.
• Anything you can plan is too small. So I'm not planning a lot. The first two weeks in Peru will consist of "tours" with Theo, Nancy and some others. This will involve visiting archeological sites, ceremony, spiritual growth, and so much more yet to be discovered. For the second half of the trip I am on my own with only a place to stay and a small budget and pray that I will have the courage to open my heart to whatever is in store.  
• The present is the greatest gift we have. This goes along with with "anything you can plan....". No, I do not know what I'm going to do after Peru, although that was immediately where I went once my ticket was booked.  I've since pulled those reins in. It is so important that I be present with this in order to be open to the gifts that wait for me in Peru. I have a couple of ideas of what I'd like to do next but as I've learned, Mystery may have other plans. I know that I have a return ticket to Salt Lake City on November 4th although I have know idea where or what I'm returning to. This is how I've living my life the last year, not knowing specifics but trusting the path.
• Gratutitude. Thank you to those of you that have shown me love, support and trust in this. Trusting that this trip is an important part of my journey although I am not certain what it has in store for me other than I believe in my heart that it has an important role in cultivating my gifts. Specifically, thanks to Nancy, Dave, Blake and Steph for your outpouring of support. Also to my friends, old an new for your encouragement.

I'm scared but I know when the time comes I will step into this journey with strength of spirit and heart, thinking beautifully :)

With Gratitude

I go into this month full of gratitude. As I recognize my gratitude the tears well up. After a week of spiritual healing and growth I feel a strength inside of me and it is so good to be in that place. All of it, everything I need, love or want to create, it's all inside of me.

Of recent, I have known grief, and I've know the love that comes after grief. Big love. I've not had a home but have found home wherever I go, with new and old friends, family that I've loved and family that I'm just getting to know. Relationships have shifted and there has been loss. As difficult as this is, the shift in old relationships has made way for new ones. My body has been through a great shift, a detox of sorts and it has changed. It is softer and looks different and I'm starting to see my Self differently. There are no more secrets and in the place of secrets is strength and authenticity. I am loving in a way I had forgotten that I knew how. I have re-membered. Two of my favorite people have vowed to be partners today, two people that were always going to be together.

I am learning to work with my gifts. Many of them do not have a name. There are beautiful goings on around me. I know my name. A year ago I did not know what I wanted to be or even what I was walking away from. Now I know what I walk toward and I do so with my head held high and a spark in my eyes. "Pathmaker, there is no path. The path is made by walking."