This year at Christmas

There have been several people who have said things to me like "I want your life!" You want my what? or "I wish I could do what you do." You wish you could....do what exactly? What is it that I do? Or maybe, what is that I don't do, that others would rather not. Well, I don't answer to anyone. I make decisions, seemingly big decisions based on.....based on my heart. Based on a knowing that exists there. Based on nothing else. Decisions that don't necessarily make sense logistically but that make sense in a way of the world, of the Earth, and of my Self.

And there are times, when, yes I'll admit, I've been terrified. Had no money, not expecting to have any, anytime soon and then boom, from somewhere comes, something. Not a check, actually sometimes a check or a job or a dinner or a place to be. And I answer to my Self, which may be harder, in my case, than answering to someone else. A friend recently admitted to me that he does not like feeling vulnerable. My response was "I feel vulnerable everyday!" It's true. I do and I absolutely love it. I'm vulnerable in love, in hope in this guessing game of high risk when really, I've nothing to lose.

There are tears, excitement, anxiety and laughter. Mostly at myself. At this life I've created that I sometimes call incredible and sometimes others call ridiculous. A life where I know, even through the pain, that magic happens. As I sit here, alone on Christmas Eve I know that you can do this life that I do, have the freedom that I have. There is nothing to regret, nothing to hold onto and everywhere to be. To be right here, right now. Am I waiting for what's next? No. I am here, still terrified, still knowing and still loving with all that I am, all that I have been.

Merry Christmas.

And I'll Take Yours

Follow up to previous post "Take My Hand".

It seemed ironic that I just finished writing about reaching out for support and tonight I'm feeling something relating to the topic, but something I don't feel (or allow myself to feel) often. It's like a test, Mystery saying, "Oh Yeah, will you really reach out?" I suppose tonight the answer is not really, but sharing is a start, right?  As hard as it is for me to admit, even to myself, I find myself wanting to be...drum roll please....taken care of. I'm a strong, independent woman, and have been for a long time. I love this about myself, in the world of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", although I've had my rough spots, I fill those boots well.

For tonight I'm tired. I've been working hard and a lot. Today was day nine for me and I still have four more to go. Nothing to crazy but when my health is not a hundred percent, I don't know, I'm just tired. I would love for someone to be here, maybe make me soup and tuck me into bed, laugh with me or tell me stories. Listen to mine. Someone to hold me and to be held. To my ego self it sounds weak and futile to want for such ridiculous things, for a ridiculous someone. But in this place of surrender, I will surrender to the wanting, at least for tonight, and ask my Self, "What are you really longing for? What companionship are you lacking in your self?" And another part of me will cut myself a little slack. And as I pour my self a cup of tea, tuck my self into bed, and read my self a story, I'll let my Self long for You.
 

Goodnight.

Take My Hand

I've noticed, particularly since my return to the states, an outpouring of support and love and am struck by the importance of community and family during this important time of shifting and re-membering.  I use these terms, family and community, very loosely as my current "community" is spread out all over the place right now and "family" has a much broader sense than it used to for me.

I've never had a tendency to reach out to others for help or support, especially in the times that I've needed it most. This morning, once again, I was exactly where I needed to be, connecting with my body in a way that allowed something very powerful to move through me. It is no coincidence that my body, that has been experiencing a lot of discomfort, was the catalyst for a huge release for me today. As grief (which is becoming like an old friend) swelled up inside I was able to let it out in a space that two incredibly strong, brave women held for me, unafraid of me or my grief. In their love, I was able to surrender. (December 12, 2011)

Afterwards as I was integrating and trying to show up in the world at the same time, or at work really, and struggling through the day a friend of mine who is in a different country did some work with me via Skype and I felt so much better. The next day, my friend  had asked me how I was doing since we had held a fire ceremony together (the ceremony that brought on the release) and I was able to convey my story to her and feel support from her, through that sharing.

My mentor looked at me quizzically recently in the way that she does and said to me, "You have a lot of clout with your friends right now and it's really important for you to share your stories with them." I am so blessed to have so many others to share with, to love with, and to witness. Thank you for receiving me with love.

Storyteller

Illumination

Lately I see my path laid out before me, at least for the next year or so. Also aware that anything I can plan is too small and sometimes Mystery has other things in store. For the past several months, the following is a prayer I carry with me daily:

I open my heart and soul to the truth, and ask that my life's journey be illuminated before me.  I ask for the wisdom to see, even in the darkness of life's challenges, and the ability to manifest my true path.

(Through this mantra I have also come to understand that my gift to the world involves helping others illuminate their own path!)

I've been surprised at the power of this statement, wrapped up in all of it's simplicity.  And it goes back to paying attention. When I do (pay attention) my journey really is illuminated before me, in very subtle and not so subtle ways.  I have a very clear picture of what I would like the next year to look like which can be very exciting for a wanderer such as myself. I know what I want and I also know that it could change and that could be okay too. Most of the time......

Then today I was suddenly and unexpectedly consumed with the "how" and none of my plans seemed to make any sense to me logistically and it seemed really important for them too. "I could opt out", I even thought. What?! Opt out? And do what? I'm sure there are plenty of other things I could do besides drop out of normal society and live on a farm for six months, cultivating the land and my gifts. I tried to come up with other things, I could go to Peru now rather than later, I could go to another different country altogether and finally do some humanitarian work. Even taking the money I make this winter and going out on the road seemed more realistic to me than the farm. I could stay here and pursue the informal job offer I received the other day. But whatever I came up with, seemed empty, made me feel empty.

Then I began to question the validity of other things I'd like to do right now. What am I thinking wanting to play the guitar? I haven't played any kind of instrument for 20+ years and I was not good at it then! How can I learn Spanish with out paying a lot of money for a class, money that I could save up for the summer and on and on. Catching myself before all of this got to out of control, I pulled the reigns in. How much of this has to do with the how and finances and how much of it has to do with the work I've been doing around not being good enough? At what point am I going to really trust my Self, trust Mystery, when I have been shown time and time again that my intuition will take me exactly to where I need to be in one way or another.

I know what I'm working towards. As I work toward this goal, things will take care of themselves, regardless of how I see them unfolding now. Right now, in this moment I have all of that and so much right here.

I had the funniest conversation the other day with a women I've worked with and known since 1999. She has always been incredibly forthright and when I ran into in the employee cafeteria she had not changed. "Don't you want a reall job?" She had asked me in her Chinese accent. "Your very different aren't you? Most people get a real job so they have a steady income." "Yes my friend, I am very different." "Don't you date?" Was her next question, Wow, that shifted quick. "Once in a while", I responded, laughing out loud now. "Yes I"m very different."

Stories of Stories

Lately I find myself turning to my journals and its almost like picking up the phone and calling a good friend. Writing has always been a large part of my journey yet even today as I read what I wrote only a few weeks ago, I am sometimes surprised at my words and the eloquence around them. There is also a knowing behind them, a truth.

Last year I would wake up in the morning, set a timer for fifteen minutes and write my "pages" as I called it, writing down my stream of consciousness. I would write whatever came up for me. I'm not sure what I wrote about, I've not gone back to read this journal. I am sure that sometimes I simply wrote about the weather and there were other times I would have profound insights. Either way it was a good way for me to sort through my thoughts, release them, or simply send my wishes out into the universe.

I have kept a dream journal which is difficult for me to be consistent with, especially when I was moving around a lot. It started on the Vision Quest and every night I would sleep with my journal next to me and a pen inside of it with my owl feather in the pocket of my tent because owl feathers are known to reveal secrets. I find that it helps to make a conscious decision before I go to sleep to write my dreams down once I wake. When I lived in San Diego, D and I used to share our dreams with each other, we were both keeping a dream journal, and I found that helped me get back into the habbit because I had someone to answer to. I find if I don't write them down I have a hard time remember and sometimes I'll wake up thinking "Damn, there was something I was supposed to remember from the dream world and I can't quite put my finger on it."

In Peru , my journal served as a trusty companion. I picked it out especially for the trip since I had finished my current journal just as I was leaving. I love it when I write in the last page at a perfect time of transition. I was attracted to a small book with a celtic design. I wrote so much in Peru there were times when my hand would ache. One day I was walking with my journal tucked into my vest and it fell down a drain. Luckily it was dry down there and to the astonishment of the Policia that helped me get it open, I crawled down into the street to retrieve it. Good times.

Funny, as I finish this blog I have been writing in the last of my Peruvian/Celtic journal. For me, the end of a journal represents a closure of sorts of stories that I will always take with me that are also somehow ending. I will share a couple of entries from this book now:

October 15th

There is a new confidence about me. How could there not be? I followed my heart here which is exactly where I needed to be. I am trusting my Self. As we were walking off the mountain today, my gait felt strong. I felt beautiful and confident and, I don't know.....charged somehow.

October 17th

I feel surprisingly unattached to much of anything or anyone right now. I guess you could say unattached to any story. It feels different, so light. In a way, I am just beginning my life.

Yesterday we were at the Temple of the Ancient Ones (I'm not sure of the Quechuan name). As I knelt at the beautiful altar there I was surprised at the grief that came up. As I placed my elbows and forehead against the rock, tears arose and when I finally pulled myself away I notice the stain of one of my tears. N wanted to know why, who and how the site was created. As far as I'm concerned, it may as well have been created for me in that moment.

Intuitively Manifesting

I've been able to get to this really great place lately of trusting and knowing. That is to say, trusting my Self, my intuition, and knowing that what Mystery has in store for me is wrapped up in that trust and that knowing. Some people believe that moving towards this knowing through feeling is a part of the great shift. Trusting your intuition means not always asking why. This is the hard part that can take a lot of practice, for me as well. (I've had a lot of practice just today!) Our Western minds are trained to want to know why....and who and what and when! This way of thinking is not easy to let go of, even as I move through life and it proves to me over and over that anything I can plan is too small. And oh my God, when I do trust my Self and my feeling although some of  these decisions may not bring me a steady income  or may cause me to walk away from a lover, or completely go against what society wants from me, things tend to make sense in the end. Have you ever fully understood any lesson in this life as it's happening? No. The term hindsight didn't come out of nowhere.

Another word I've begun to understand: manifestation. Also as we move towards the shift we are becoming more aware of the power of our minds. I speak a lot of trusting Mystery. This does not mean we are to sit on our thumbs and do nothing. We as human beings were given the gift of consciousness. Use it! I have been amazed at what I have been able to manifest in my life, positive and negative, purposefully and accidentally. For example: I'm never going to be able to keep track of this little piece of paper that they stuck in my passport and called a visa. Boom! It was gone. Okay that's a lame example but I'm serious. There's no way I would have gone to Peru at all if I was unable to imagine myself there and opened myself up to the possibility. It is okay to wish for things, to want for things and to believe that you can create them. Figure out the how later.

Here's a better example of both. When I first heard of a vision quest, my heart soared and I thought, "That sounds like exactly what I need." When my N.D. suggested that I go out and get the book Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin I started it that day and as soon as I started reading new I would do my vision quest with AVI. After a long application process (they are careful to make sure vision quest is a good fit) I was granted a small scholarship towards my program. I was very excited but how would I pay for the rest? At this point I was not working. It was just after the holidays, I was staying with my family in a cabin in mountains and I think this is as close as I had come to praying in a long time. The next day I received a call from the controller at the company I had worked for previously. "We need some help with year end, can you come in?" I was able to save enough for the VQ and there is no doubt that it was a pivotal point in my journey. Not only that but I was supposed to be in that place at that time with those particular beautiful Others.

I have been accepted into an apprenticeship with True Nature Farm next year. Yes, I've gotten a lot of "What are you going to do, become a farmer?' from my loved ones. They don't always understand when I explain to them that in my heart I know that this apprenticeship is an important part of understanding my gifts and cultivating my relationship with Grandmother Earth and others in a community setting on the land. Maybe I will become a farmer, maybe I will teach others the skills that I acquire. My hope is to take what I learn there, along with my hospitality background back to Peru but I also understand that it's not about the outcome but about trusting my heart.

Integrating

I've done this before, come off of a mystical, romantic adventure, full of travel and spirit and shifting and awakening. I knew that returning to the States would be an adjustment but as half a dozen military personnel boarded my flight from Dallas to Salt Lake City, the last leg of my journey, I thought "I got this, piece of cake. Nothing compared to what these brave souls are going through." I know that I have the tools for this and am aware of the importance of being gentle with myself in this time. But still, I find myself not quite sure what to do, although there's plenty to be done. I'm eating a lot and it seems very important to catch up on this season of Grey's Anatomy.  I have no desire to read and I haven't written in my journal hardly at all since my return. As I streamed the latest episode, there was a horrible commercial advertising an anti-depressant. "The symptoms, I still have symptoms." Well no shit lady, treat the Goddamn cause, not the symptoms! Look at your feelings, they have so much to teach you!

So here I am, getting worked up over commercials, feeling somewhat lonely and a little bit lost, more so in this place that I called home for the majority of my adult life than in a country where I initially knew one person and struggled to remember street names like Hatunrumiyac and hardly knew enough of the language to ask for directions. But the loneliness that comes with whenever I return to Utah is not for lack of company or friends, but something else that I can't quite pinpoint. But I'm no longer in Peru. I'm right here, right now. Waiting to hear back about a job, in order to look for an apartment and a hospice to volunteer at and a guitar teacher. If I know I'm going to be here for the next five months I'll start here.....or there. It doesn't have to be here, does it? It does feel good to have plans although not immediate.

I spoke to a good friend of mine this morning, whom I have a very special connection with and have not seen for months. Out of the blue he asked me a question that no one would ever know to ask unless they were there with me, in ceremony, the night of the full moon. I remember others saying to me after ceremony, that I was had been surrounded by beings, rooting for me and sending me love. And I remembered this morning that he and I, we're the same and although Peru is a magical place, everything is right here, in me and that what went on in Peru, whether I return someday or not, will always be apart of me.

Poetry from Peru

There was one who became love
Who became knowing
Like a ravenous river slowed down
by nature's source
Coming out of the eddy
Unattached to any branch or stone
In her own beautiful way
She manifests a story without words
Tending to the same garden
Nurturing the same soil
By the wind she dances
Without comparison or admiration
In awe of the movement that
belongs to stillness
She once bore a name that is no longer hers
____

I woke this morning to the sound of Rooster
And I am blessed again with the opportunity
to witness the day come alive.
I hear pounding in my chest and know that it
belongs to my Self and the morning dawn.
Padreo and Luna my eyes know yours.
Although you may not remember me
you will know a visitor held you here.
Home wherever I go
I may return to this place where I
lost my Self and remembered everything
Here, I took courage.
____

I could spend a thousand days like this one
Lost in the stillness of my own heart
Charged by the sun
And words I don't understand
____

In you I've loved, hardly laughed and nearly died
With all of my being I thank you
Knowing you did the best you knew how
I love you and I give you to Madre Titicacca
With a stillness, a peace in my heart and with
gratitude

I'll make no more apologies for you or for me
All the beauty in this life belongs to both of us
If you refuse to look, you will not see
_____

My Love, My Heart
Where the Earth dances and the moon calls herself Luna
I came to sing your story
To know it as a river running through me
In the web that makes up this life
I've only began to weave without you
Watch over me as I you
Now without weight, without strings
I give to you your wings
And in gratitude I too take flight
With Grace

Te Amo Mucho

In less than an hour I will head to the airport. I am flying from Arequipa to Lima tonight and early tomorrow from Lima to the States. I was feeling torn up about leaving until the last day or two, now I feel ready. The fact that I´ve been in the city and have been pretty sick in the last 36 hours helps my cause. Hopefully I will find the strength for the long trip home. Tonight, I should have pleanty of time to rest.

I´ve been thinking a lot about what went on for me during ceremony in Cachora. There is a story there so dear and close to my heart. A story I believe has been weighing heavily on me that I was able to face, experience through feeling and love and grief. A sacred wound, a blessing and a curse. There are few who I will share this story with as there are gaps I do not quite understand myself. In my heart I know the details are not important, but my ego wants to know when, who, and was it me? As I honor this story I will live the questions knowing that the answers may or may not reveal themselves with time and are not neccarily an important part of the story.

I´ve visited a lot of churches in Peru, considering I´ve hardly stepped foot in a church for the past ten years. I have felt at peace in these places of worship. Not one with God, but with my Self. I even attended a service in Cusco when I was feeling a bit rattled. Listening to others chant or pray was calming and I even knelt at the pew in meditation. Before I fell ill I visited Monestario Santa Catalina here in Arequipa. I spent over three hours there, wandering like I do, taking in the energy of this monestary which could be a city in an of itself. I´m so curious about these women, the nuns, so commited to their love of God. Living in small cells and praying for the people daily. I saw a nun when I was at Santa Catalina. I was not expecting that although I believe there are over thirty currently living there. She was absolutely glowing in her beautiful white habbit. She looked happy, her expression similar to the woman on Amanti Island who´s family I stayed with and I suppose not disimilar to the expression on my face as I hiked toward Apu Asugante or watched the Condors fly over my head at Colca Canyon or simply sat in the square at Cusco.

Oh, as I recall these memories I am taken back again to that place where I can´t bare to leave! But more than that, I am full of gratitude for these experiences, for the shifts that are occuring, for the friends I´ve made along the way and for my friends and family that allowed this trip to happen for me. Maybe next time I´ll bring you with me :) See you in the States.

More Stories from Peru

What a journey I have been on. I must admit, I´m pretty good at travel. Today I arrived in Arequipa, after a six hour and at least eighty degree bus ride, not knowing a soul. It was a little daunting to arrive in this big city, I´m not a fan of city, but I got myself checked into a nice hostel and got to making plans. Tomorrow I leave the city (yay!) and will spend a couple of days in the Colca Canyon area, doing some hiking camping, visiting volcanoes and will likely see some condors.

There have been several times on this trip, when I come back to my center, that I am struck by the simplicity of my life. Daily I connect with Mother Earth, my Self, children, love, new friends. I am so blessed. Nancy asked me before she left how I would describe my experiences here to my loved ones back home. I do not know. There are stories of places I´ve visited, people I´ve met, experience I´ve had but how does one put into words the energy of these places?

I spent a couple of days on Lake Titicaca. Another powerful place. It sits at 12,500 ft, the highest navicable lake in the world and the largest lake in South America. I visited a few islands, including a floating island and spent the night on Amanti Island with a beautiful family. On the way back to Puno yesterday I felt called to through my ring in the lake, the simple ring I mentioned in an earlier blog, I gave to Madre Titicaca. I think I knew it would stay in Peru, and it felt good to watch it create a splash. A friend of mine had one piece of advice before I left Utah. "Do me a favor", he had said. "Lose yourself there". I don´t think he meant physically although that has happened from time to time. I have not lost my Self here but there is a part of me that I have let go of. Pepe said to me after a night of ceremony, "You don´t have to hold on to everything, just let go." In this way, I suppose I have lost myself. And in letting go of a ring I bought to replace my wedding ring, as if I still needed someone or something, I lost that part of myself that exists in that need.

This simplicity does not mean I want for nothing. I would love to keep traveling to Argentina, Boliva, the world! I would love to have a partner to share in this magic with. I would love to someday have a child and I would love to bring my unique gifts to the world through my vocation. But I am also trusting that mystery knows what my soul needs and all the rest will work itself out.

I met another solo traveler tonight, which is rare. He was excited to hear about the experiences I've  had and was asking me about his own. I am vowing to continue to be open to meeting new people and sharing in my experiences when I get back to the states. It´s so easy to be outgoing and friendly in a different country there is not reason it should be different in the U.S. After all, we are all connected.
 

Home Wherever I Go

I arrived in Peru 22 days ago and in a way it feels as though I've always been here. That's how life has changed since I've become very present. All other time and space falls easily away. There is only the gift of now and letting go of other days. Release.

Today I was walking down Ave Del Sol with a friend of mine and I actually saw someone I know from around town. After we exchanged greetings I looked at the friend I was walking with and we both busted up laughing. "I know someone!" I exclaimed and I think we were both proud. The cute woman at the hostel I currently call home is always concerned with whether or not I eat breakfast. The sweet waiter at the coffeeshop which I'm apparently a regular at friended me on Facebook. And, I know at least four ways to get to Qori Nusta Inn when it took me over an hour to find my way back the first night.

Now, just as this place an I have began to call each other home, I will leave in a day or two. Even so, I'll take with me a swagger in my step, sending my best wishes to the young English student that helped me with my Espanol. -Reciprocity.

I was fortunate enough to spend the afternoon at an absolutely breathtaking hotel, Sol y Luna, in Urabamba. (Something I'm not quick to admit, hotels are kind of my thing.) The villas, the view, the vista, the restaurant, the horses, and Oh my God, the gardens! To top it off, I had the company of four beautiful, charismatic, intelligent, quirky, Peruvian characters. Although I only understood maybe 8% of what was said, the fact that I belonged to there with this group of incredibles was not lost on me.

As we began to sip our post lunch coffee, the clouds that had quickly rolled into the Sacred Valley broke open and with the rain came a flood of emotion. Tears told a story of how for nearly thirty years a girl, a woman, never new that she was worth everything she ever dreamed of. In letting go of that belief I cried, knowing that every beginning requires a death of sorts.

Be Earth Now

Yes, it feels good to be here and my senses could not be happier :) I have visited so many sacred places with incredible energy. I've been through huge shifts and it's been crazy to see the events of the past to come together, especially during a four day intensive with Theo and Pepe. The last night of the intensive was especially powerful. I was able to turn towards something that I had buried deep inside of myself and in turning towards this I was able to let go and experience love greater that i could ever imagine. I feel back inside my Self with a clear head and grateful heart. Grateful to have paid attention to my link to Peru, the vision quest and so much more, not knowing why but trusting what I could not see. My heart is full, my stance is strong and I feel my Self moving into the next phase of life with strength, beauty and knowing. I have re-membered.

Some of you may be more interested in what I've seen here although to me this trip is more about feeling and experiences. Some of the highlights have been Cachora and three children that I absolutely fell in love with, along with the land there. I've been to Machu Picchu, Pisaq, Ollantaytambo and Moray. I visited the sacred mountain Ausungate and witnessed the most beautiful Dispacho (prayer to the Earth). I've discharged and recharged through sacred Apus and rocks. I've lived, loved and laughed with new friends and old.

Some asked when I left the states if I thought I was coming back. Yes, I will return, but different somehow. No, not different, but the person that I've been hiding from. The person I was meant to be. When i think back on my journey, I'm reminded of a few lines in a poem by Rilke: You are not surprised at the force of the storm, you have seen it growing. It wants to sink back into the source of everything. Be Earth now and evensong.


Onto a Vast Plain
Rainer Maria Rilke

You are not surprised at the force of the storm—
you have seen it growing.
The trees flee. Their flight
sets the boulevards streaming. And you know:
he whom they flee is the one
you move toward. All your senses
sing him, as you stand at the window.

The weeks stood still in summer.
The trees' blood rose. Now you feel
it wants to sink back
into the source of everything. You thought
you could trust that power
when you plucked the fruit:
now it becomes a riddle again 
and you again a stranger.

Summer was like your house: you knew
where each thing stood.
Now you must go out into your heart
as onto a vast plain. Now
the immense loneliness begins.

The days go numb, the wind
sucks the world from your senses like withered leaves.

Through the empty branches the sky remains.
It is what you have.
Be earth now, and evensong.
Be the ground lying under that sky.
Be modest now, like a thing
ripened until it is real,
so that he who began it all
can feel you when he reaches for you.

The Year in Stories Part - Life of A Wanderer Part III

Continued......

Grief and Pain

When I settled down in San Diego for a few months a lot of my "stuff" came up. I started this blog then as a 'practice' of telling my stories and learning more about my Self and the journey that I'm on. If you've followed "re-membered stories" you know that I had a lot of grief come up during this time. It took weeks of feeling physically ill and believing that I was being revisited by my old friend depression, when I decided to turn towards the grief. Once I made this decision it poured out of me. My physical discomfort assisted the grief and helped it bubble to the surface.

I was in a good place to go through this. Away from the comfort of friends and family, I was unable to distract myself or hide and bury what I was feeling. I had to turn inward and find a way to comfort my Self and find strength in the core of my being. My friend D, who I was living with was able to give me the space and acceptance I needed to wail and rant and rave and rest and laugh. The ocean was my sanction, and the perfect container for my tears. I began to know that there was a reason for the grief and the pain, that it would help me continue to cultivate my gifts and really understand grief so that I can help others grieve. I also learned the importance of self love and compassion, intigration and nurturing self.

I spent time at the Ideal Hotel and Red Lotus Society, a community of seekers and peace education. I volunteered at the tea room and was able to attend yoga, meditation, and other classes. (I was heartbroken to hear that the Red Lotus Society has since evacuated the hotel.) I began practicing Falun Gong regulary, and on the beach in Encinidas.

Back in Utah

An oppurtunity came up to work in Utah this Summer so I came back in July, knowing that there was unfinished work here with some commitments I had made to my Self on the vision quest. My time here has been an intense journey of shifting and more severence. Old patterns and ways of being continue to creep in and I am constantly learning what I do and do not find comfort in, what is nurturing for me. Relationships have shifted and there has been a lot of grief in that but such shifts are making way for new relationships. I find strength in my relationship with my authentic self, although it is not always easy to be true to that.

I have found love and support in unexpected places and am surprised by this life that I have created. The days have become unspoken gifts. Gifts of love and learning. My health still suffers but I am cultivating a new relationship with my body and I have accepted this as part of the shift. I have a lot to make up for as I tried for years to ignore my body.

I am living in gratitude, learning from different mentors, teachers and friends. Growing from Grandmother Earth and my relationship with her and Self. As I go forward making decisions with my heart and arguing with old beliefs that no longer serve me, I know that anything I can plan is too small so I do not make many plans.

In a lot of ways this past year has been the hardest of my life. It is not easy to really turn towards Self, and it has been such a blessing to reflect on my journey this past month through re-membered stories. "Pathmaker, there is no path. The path is made by walking."

Loss & Vitality

I had an incredible appointment with my naturopath today that began with a poem I read in Ode Magazine while in the waiting room, and ended with two people who are genuinlly concerned for me and my health (very different from my experience with a western medicine doctor a month or so ago).

I left thinking about the relationship between vitality and loss. Why? I dunno, this is the way my mind works lately. I believe that not much is accidental and I've noticed that when I look at life metaphorically, I learn so much more about life and Self. So here's what brought me to start thinking about the link between these two unseemingly connected subjects.

I'll start with the poem I read about loss:

You are cloud, sea, forgetting;
you are also what you lost in a moment
we are all those who have left
The reflection of our face in the mirror changes each instant
and every day has it's own labyrinth.
The cloud vanishing in the sunset is our image;
endlessly, a rose becomes another rose.


--Jorge Luis Borges


When I am getting accupuncture, as my naturuopath is putting in the needles, she asks me to take a deep breath, breathing in health and vitality, breathing out any tension or stress. This is what got me thinking about vitality. Here are some of the definitions from the dictionary:

1.capacity to live and develop; also : physical or mental vigor especially when highly developed
2.power of enduring

Several years ago I was working through some grief with my therapist at the time and I remember saying "Am I going to spend my entire life grieving?" In the past six months I have cultivated my relationship with grief, knowing that yes grief and vitality can and do go hand in hand. Also knowing that grief is a constant journey in this life. Has grief helped with my compacity to live and develop? Absolutely! Is it directly tied into my power of enduring? Yes, I believe so. Martin Pretchel reminds us in his speech "Grief and Praise", if we don't grieve something after it is gone, it means we didn't love it, we didn't live it.

I am what I lost in a moment. And I'll take with me what I learned from that loss. Through loss, I will grow and I will gain, as a rose becomes another rose. 

The Year in Stories - Life as a Wanderer Part II

......Continued from previous post.

On the Road

As I prepared for the vision quest, I packed Baby Blue to the hilt and hit the road. I took a couple of days to drive to California, camping at the Valley of Fire. I have learned to love camping by myself. Wandering the land, making salmon and rice on my little back packing stove, building a fire (which I have yet to master).

Once I arrived in San Diego, I was blessed to be able to take a week or so to nurture my Self at the ocean and in a beautiful home, preparing emotionally and spirtually for the Vision Quest. As I drove towards Anza Borrego, which is an incredibly beautiful drive through mountains and desert, I felt strong, confident, and knowing that this journey I was about to embark on was meant for me. Driving this same road back to the city thirteen days later somehow took hours longer. I felt a strength and knowing that I had never felt before and at the same time I was overwhelmed by traffic and fuel centers and could not help but stared at that silly game that you feed money and attempt to grab a stuffed animal with an impossible claw. How do I show up in this crazy world?!

I spent some more time in San Diego before hitting the road. I don't remember much of this time, coming out of the Vision Quest was like waking from a profound dream. Somewhat foggy and somehow changed. I remember going to see The Cave Singers perform at the Casbah. It was an incredible show and although I went by myself I felt connected to the music, the movement, and the people around me. It's difficult to put into words but my way of being with Other's had shifted. I've always been sensitive but I was very aware of the energy around me. Another memory that comes up from that time is going out for taco tuesday in Ocean Beach with a friend of mine from the vision quest who was also spending time in San Diego with her younger brother. I remember being in this crazy crowded bar full of young people, much cooler than myself, waiting for our tacos. Suddenly had a really strong urge to pull my journal out of my bag and start writing. (Journaling was a huge part of the VQ, I had it with me constantly and filled pages and pages.) I fought the urge, and instead gawked in amazement at the scene around me.

I left California for Utah sometime around the end of March. I took a different route that I normally do, up through Arizona for a change in scenery. I took my time. I really do love being on the road. Camping added a lot to the experience. It was so simple. Only a couple changes of clothes, few options of what to eat. After spending thirteen days camping in Anza Borrego, I had a system down. I spent time on the land, camping in Oak Creek Canyon above Sedona, tending the fire and reading Siddartha, wandering around confused by city in Flagstaff until I finally settled in at a kitchy little coffee shop to catch up on email. As I drove I talked to myself, and I talked to Audrey, the same friend from the VQ I hung out with in San Diego. I pulled over at my favorite rest stop/overlook in Northern Arizona to talk with her about how our reintigration into the "real world" was going. I did not have much contact with my people in Utah during this time. I was not sure what to say about what I had been through. Looking back on it now, I was afraid of rejection. I had left as X and was coming back as Y, I did not know what Other's role in my life would be. It scared me.

I'll never forget camping at Navajo National Monument. There was nothing extremely signifgant about it but it was one of the best nights of my life. It was about fifteen miles from the highway and I was literally the only person in the entire park. The season had not yet begun, not even a park ranger was there. It was absolutely beautiful and cold and a little intimidating to be there alone. As the sun went down and the tempature dropped, I did not feel a lone. I felt connected. Connected to the Earth, to the animals around me that I could hear but not see. I felt a part of the beauty that surrounded me.

I was headed to Moab, Utah to run a half marathon. Again, driving into Moab I was overcome with emotion. If you've never been, Moab and surrounding area is one of the most mysterious, magical deserts I've ever been to, and I would imagine in the world. Although I've spent a lot of time there, the time I spent in Moab this past spring was different. I spent over a week there and really fell in love with the area allthough I'd been there many times before. Being in a different place spiritually really opened my eyes to the land. After the race, I moved slowy and really took in my surroundings. I explored areas I've never been before, both in the desert and in my heart. I watched the weather, touched the sandstone, listened to the river. I saw my Self in another's eyes. I was entirely present and time fell away. It didn't matter. I could have stayed and I wanted to and I asked. The answer I got was not now.

Stay tuned for Part III

The Year in Stories - Life as a Wanderer Part I

Shaking things Up

Approximately a year ago I left my job of ten years not knowing or much caring what was next but knowing that I was unfulfilled and longing for...what? I had some savings, paid out vacation and a cleaning job at which I made a few hundred dollars a month. I sold most of my furniture, had a yard sale and donated much of what was left. (Two of my friends currently have some of my things in their houses and my clothes in their closets from that time.)

With a flood of emotion I moved out of the only apartment I ever really called home. I had carefully chosen the paint and the decor. One could walk in and instantly have an idea of who I was. I loved being there alone with Sage or throwing parties with friends from different backgrounds that might not normally come together if they were not bound by me. When I walked in for the last time, this place that I loved and lived was empty except for my beloved dog and bike, and I completely broke down. My beautiful neighbor helped me smudge the place and overcome with grief, I walked away from all that I had worked for.

Going Inward

The next several months were a time of great reflextion and beginning to really look at my Self in a way that I had previously been afraid to. It was a time of severance. Letting go of old beliefs about that did not service my Soul. Getting to know my Self without the label "depression" over my head. Welcoming my "loyal soldiers" home, thanking them for protecting me and giving them new orders. I read books, wrote pages and pages in my journal, and dove into my work with my spiritual mentor, Nancy. I began to see an incredible Naturopath, Dr. Babbie Lester and she helped me get off of anti-depressants with acupuncture, a strict diet and some NLP work. I mostly lived with my brother and every other weekend and once during the week I stayed with my friends the MacGregor's. Our friendship flourished as well as other relationships such as that with my mother and a friendship with someone I had dated and fallen in love with the previous year. Surprisingly, there were other friendships that began dissapate. This was very difficult for me. I had never had such a large network of friends as I had that year and it was with their support that I found the strength to make some of the decisions I had made. How could some of them not understand what I was doing? Not only that but be scared of me and my path? But I had to accept that at that time, I didn't have anything to learn from these people and they had nothing to receive from me. I did not have a job but I was doing the most important work of my life.

Vision Quest
My life was going in a new direction and all of this was great but what was I going to do with it? What was my purpose? As I was crying out for direction to a woman that has played an integral role in my journey mentioned Vision Quest and directed me to go out and get the book "Soulcraft" by Bill Plotkin, and to start reading it now. I did and wow did it speak to me. As I read about the art of being lost and searching for your one unique gift and finding that gift through nature I fell in love with this book and new that I would do my Vision Quest with Animas Valley Institute.

My particular Vision Quest took place in the Anza Borrego desert of California. This was a sacred, profound time in a sacred place full of sharing, more severance, ceremony, cultivating my relationship with the Earth, and knowing. I spent 12 days in the desert with fourteen beautiful people that I was blessed to get to know in a very profound way. Four of those days consisted of a fast and solo out on the land. It was amazing to see how all the work that I had done, without knowing, was in preparation for the Vision Quest. Not just any Vision Quest, but this particular Vision Quest, with these particular people in that particular time and on that particular land. You've witness bits and pits of it here and I myself only understand glimpes of it now but I believe over time I will begin to understand it more. I have also noticed recently that I as I step further into my authentic self, I feel inspired to share more about my Vision Quest. If you ever have questions, feel free to ask.

To be continued.........

Practices and Peru

Wow. I am going to Peru at the end of the month. In my heart, I've known that I am going but it just became official last week. The Peru thing has  been such a journey for me already and the physical journey is over three weeks away. Oh my God, it's only three weeks away!

Here are some gifts that my journey with Peru has helped me remember and continue to put into practice.

• Don't be attached to the outcome. This has been a great one for me and takes a lot of practice. Peru started with a possible job offer that I was really excited about. Said job would incorporate my previous experience and fit the some of the criteria I had not even specified until job offer got put on hold. Which leads me to the next little pearl I've received from Peru.....
• I have a greater understanding what it is that I want. This is not necessarily something that Peru can take credit for but when the job offer seemed like it had fallen through a dear friend asked me what had attracted me to Peru. I listed off five or six things pretty quickly and realized, "Oh, this is exactly what I want to create". A year ago when I left my job I had know idea what that was. My life experience (particularly in the last year) has helped me to refine that list.
• It is okay to ask for help. This is an ongoing journey for me and I know it will continue to show up until I figure it out. I have the ability to make things happen and sometimes that consists of reaching out for support.
• Anything you can plan is too small. So I'm not planning a lot. The first two weeks in Peru will consist of "tours" with Theo, Nancy and some others. This will involve visiting archeological sites, ceremony, spiritual growth, and so much more yet to be discovered. For the second half of the trip I am on my own with only a place to stay and a small budget and pray that I will have the courage to open my heart to whatever is in store.  
• The present is the greatest gift we have. This goes along with with "anything you can plan....". No, I do not know what I'm going to do after Peru, although that was immediately where I went once my ticket was booked.  I've since pulled those reins in. It is so important that I be present with this in order to be open to the gifts that wait for me in Peru. I have a couple of ideas of what I'd like to do next but as I've learned, Mystery may have other plans. I know that I have a return ticket to Salt Lake City on November 4th although I have know idea where or what I'm returning to. This is how I've living my life the last year, not knowing specifics but trusting the path.
• Gratutitude. Thank you to those of you that have shown me love, support and trust in this. Trusting that this trip is an important part of my journey although I am not certain what it has in store for me other than I believe in my heart that it has an important role in cultivating my gifts. Specifically, thanks to Nancy, Dave, Blake and Steph for your outpouring of support. Also to my friends, old an new for your encouragement.

I'm scared but I know when the time comes I will step into this journey with strength of spirit and heart, thinking beautifully :)

With Gratitude

I go into this month full of gratitude. As I recognize my gratitude the tears well up. After a week of spiritual healing and growth I feel a strength inside of me and it is so good to be in that place. All of it, everything I need, love or want to create, it's all inside of me.

Of recent, I have known grief, and I've know the love that comes after grief. Big love. I've not had a home but have found home wherever I go, with new and old friends, family that I've loved and family that I'm just getting to know. Relationships have shifted and there has been loss. As difficult as this is, the shift in old relationships has made way for new ones. My body has been through a great shift, a detox of sorts and it has changed. It is softer and looks different and I'm starting to see my Self differently. There are no more secrets and in the place of secrets is strength and authenticity. I am loving in a way I had forgotten that I knew how. I have re-membered. Two of my favorite people have vowed to be partners today, two people that were always going to be together.

I am learning to work with my gifts. Many of them do not have a name. There are beautiful goings on around me. I know my name. A year ago I did not know what I wanted to be or even what I was walking away from. Now I know what I walk toward and I do so with my head held high and a spark in my eyes. "Pathmaker, there is no path. The path is made by walking."

The White Unicorn

A friend of mine that I've known for about ten years, who has also played the role of my pseudo boyfriend for a lot longer than I'd like to admit (an entirely different story), used to call me the white unicorn. The way he saw it, I was that girl who doesn't exist, too good to be true.  I was a hot climber chic with a road bike and a strong, independent woman. Oh, it would get to me when he would call me that. "But I do exist!" I would say to no one in particular, "I'm right here!". 

One day, after he'd called me this at least a dozen times I realized something that was interesting to admit....he was right. Not that I was "to good to be true" but in my own way I was inaccessible. I even had a speech that I handed out when necessary. The words changed depending on the recipient but the basic premise is the same and usually enough to keep another at arms length if not shove them away completely. I even said to one such suitor "I don't do sleep overs". I immediately thought "Really? Did I just say that?" Luckily we were good enough friends to have a good laugh about it. I was so afraid that I used the "speech" almost daily with someone I was really into. Our connection terrified me and I did everything to
push this person away. It worked.

We have all experienced heartache, I know I am not special in that regard. I've come to realize that this has very little to do with my inability to fall in love. This is only one way my fear of having an open heart has manifested itself. After all Love is so much bigger than romantic partners or even family members. Love encompasses everything, we only have to recognize this. In my fear I had forgotten this. In my love for my Self and Other's I have re-membered.

Anti Feelings?

Anti Depressents

I've avoided the topic as it takes some of us out of our comfort zones including myself because in the past I have not been one to be controversial (this seems to be changing daily).  I am not going to write about anti depressants because I am against them or because I "don't believe in them". I am not suggesting that they have not brought hope to those who have none or that they have not saved lives, including the lives of some of my loved ones. I write about anti depressants because they have been and continue to be a large part of my journey, and an important one.

I took anti depressants for almost ten straight years. Before that, I had taken them at different times in my youth, mostly when I was in the hospital being treated for a drug addiction at seventeen.  I had suffered from what society would label as depression for most of my life and although I had accepted that label I fought going on medication until I was about twenty or twenty one. I did not want to be dependent on drugs. Maybe I didn't want to bury whatever was aching inside of me so badly. But I was so scared to turn towards it. I didn't know what "it" was but I knew it was dark, ugly and terrifying. It was me and I feared that I couldn't get out of it. Yes, there were many times in my life when I wanted to die. Would I have done anything serious about it? You don't have to ask that question, I'm still here.

I did not feel capable of living a "normal" life. So I filled the scrip, I put on the mask. Looking back on it now, I didn't want the life I had been living. The life I myself had created based on what I had been taught to believe, directly and indirectly by "normal" society. I hid behind a mask called Paxil and Welbrutrin. I began to do things only one behind a mask could do. When those masks stopped covering my face I traded them in for Prozac. Last year a shift occurred. I felt a great longing for my Self. Not without deep contemplation, and to the dismay of my friends and family and help from other friends and family, as my journey became a more soulful one, I slowly removed the mask.

It has not been easy, looking at my Self in the mirror without it. It has not been easy to surrender to emotions as they come up. I'll admit that there have been times when I have questioned my decision to be essentially drug free, when I wonder if I can do this with out my chemical romance. There was also a time in my life when I didn't think I could do this without cigarettes either, and I seemed to have survived. Many have advised me to go back on medication, including my western medical doctor who was almost insistent. I'll admit, I almost gave in to others doubts. Can I do this without the help of medication? Do I even want to try anymore? I cried out in desperation and the answer came to me simply, yes. Move forward, continue your work. Turn towards whatever comes up.

As I was actually contemplating going back on meds, even after all the hard work I've done, I came upon this very courageous article by Chris Norris in the Men's Journal (trust me, not something I read regularly). It's called "Medicated Me" or "My Chemical Romance".

"I had a choice: I could re-mask those icebergs with the chemicals I’d just gotten off or I could learn to navigate around them or shrink them to manageable size. I would discover new strengths, while I slowly found my way out of this years-coming crisis. The work would be painful, scary, and challenging but could eventually yield the kind of true personal growth that sustains a lifetime."

http://chrisnorriswordsandmusic.com/pages/stories/medicated.php

*I would never reccomend that any of my readers discontinue medication especially without doing so gradually with the help of a physiscian. I made this decision after three consistent years of psychotherapy and took several months to wein myself off of the medication. I had the assistance of a naturopath who put me on a very strict diet and regualar accupuncture and NLP. I would never have taken such a big step without a very strong support system.

Take Care

There's is a beautiful rainstorm going on outside as I type I am listening to it pound against the pavement and I am filled with my favorite scent - thunderstorm! I am having a me night. I go through these major shifts emotionally and I'm beginning to learn the importance of being gentle around these times. Like a lot of us, my instinct is to push through, keep going, what's next, let me have it! And in leaping ahead to the next step it's almost as though I forget to take something with me and I get off balance. I'm learning to take care.

We get upset when our partner doesn't compliment us regularly or when our friends don't call to check in or when boss doesn't give us the pat on the back that we know we deserve. So why don't we demand these things of ourselves?! Tonight, I'm demanding self compassion and self love. I'm setting aside my list of things to do. I took a bath, I made myself a good meal had a glass of wine. I'm coloring in my new book of power Mandalas (which I must say is suprisingly relaxing!) and I'm going to go to bed early with a clear mind.

On a bit of a side note, I've been complaining a little bit lately that I "just want somewhere to be". It's occurred to me tonight that although I don't currently have a quote on quote home right now of course I have somewhere to be and I'm so blessed! Right now I'm sitting in a beautiful loft overlooking a great city and as I look outside there's a goddamn rainbow (of course there is). I was able to spend last week with my best friends who are so much fun to be around. I have many places to be and I'm vowing to everyday be grateful for that.

I have a couple of friends in mind as I write this blog tonight who have been through some major shifts and have experienced some grief, whether through a death of a person or a destruction of a belief or a shift in perception. Remember my friends, as I have been reminded time and time again, be gentle with yourself, give your Self all the time in the world it you need to grieve or praise or to just be. Love your Self enough to take care.

Filling in the Blanks

City Weekly Horoscope:

"Fill in the blanks, Taurus. Don't let the blanks remain vacant and barren any longer. Don't allow them to keep screaming at you with their accusatory silence. Just fill in the freaking blanks with whatever you've got to fill them with - with your best guesses and borrowed mojo, with any miscellaneous material you have at hand. I realize you may be tempted to wait around for a supposedly more ideal moment. but I'm here to tell you that this is as ideal as it gets. So please express the hell out of yourself in the empty spaces, my dear; create yourself anew in the void - however imporvisation or inexact it might feel."

I love this and needed to hear it. I've faced up to some of my most difficult "stuff" this past week. It's never been so hard to be authentic yet in being authentic I have experinenced a HUGE shift. So it is time to start filling in the blanks. When I switched my focus to my soul work a year ago I had no idea who I wanted to be and only snapshots of what my ideal life might look like. My perception has since expanded. My ideas about this life, about self and Mystery are different. Now I know what I want the foundation to look like, it's time to start building with the how, where and what.  I have faith that it will come together as long as I think with my heart and remember who I am. I'm scared and I don't expect it to be easy but I go forward knowing, learning and growing.

“It’s about choices. If you see Life as a miraculous journey it will take you to amazing places. It’s also about recognising that feelings are the language of the soul and honouring the wisdom of those inner promptings – even if it means massive upheaval and a dramatic change of direction."
~Geoff Dalglish

no intervals

I've been avoiding the blog. This is my first entry all month. I've written emails to good friends, I've written a lot in my journal, I'm writing poetry. For some reason, okay a lot of reasons, when it comes to this thing, I've had writers block.

So here's a taste of what I've been thinking about....A Lot! Life experiences fall into two categories. Learning and fun. If you're lucky, you'll have some fun learning experiences. Sometimes I feel like I could use some more fun. The work, it's right there and that's what I've asked for. Family, relationships, love, sex, body, nature. It's there, all of my stuff and it comes in shades of black and white. And it's heavy. It's the stuff I've been avoiding but can hardly bare the weight of anymore. "So you think you're authentic?" The universe is challenging me. "See how this fits!" But isn't that all of us? Here we are trying our best, doing the work. Some of the stories are old. None of them matter unless I write them. I've got to start showing up. As Adrienne Rich remindes us in her poem Prespective Immigrants Please Note, "The door itself makes no promises. It is only a door."

Until I got here I was looking at this summer as an interval. Something to fill up the days and the bank account between the present and my next venture. This time is so much more than that. The work I'm doing now is more important than I may ever grasp. There are no intervals. There is only now.

I love reading my horoscope in City Weekly, Salt Lake City's free newspaper. Here is part of my horoscope for this week. I've been carrying around in my wallet.

""Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions", said seer Edgar Cayce. That's your thought for the week, Taurus. Not just in dreams, but in your waking life as well, you will be experiencing insights, hearing stories and getting messages that provide useful information for the crucial questions you have not yet framed, let alone posed."


Prospective Immigrants Please Note

Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through.


If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name.


Things look at you doubly
and you must look back
and let them happen.


If you do not go through
it is possible
to live worthily


to maintain your attitudes
to hold your position
to die bravely


but much will blind you,
much will evade you,
at what cost who knows?


The door itself
makes no promises.
It is only a door.

~Adrienne Rich

the dictaphone

I spent a significant amount of time on the road a few months ago. God it was fun, I love being on the road. I had the whole camping thing down and was super organized. I loved the simplicity of it, only a couple changes of clothes, two or three options of what to eat. And it was romantic in a way, just me and the highway, and at night, the squirrels and my book. There was one night I camped at Navajo National Monument in Arizona and there was literally no one else in the entire campground. It was exhilarating to be up there alone and at the same time calm and peaceful.

I felt very insightful on the road. I would ponder life and the ways of the world and Mystery. I had so many thoughts on the road that I couldn't keep up with so I went to Staples and bought a dictaphone. Of course I couldn't by a modern dictaphone where you can download straight to your computer. I was traveling on a budget! Yes, it's an old school dictaphone with mini cassette tapes. Cute!

I've had a rough time of it the last three or four days. There was a bump in the road, quite literally. I was rummaging through some of my things tonight and I came across said dictaphone and I hit play. I liked hearing my voice on those tapes. Although at times it quivered, there was a certain strength in her voice, this me from a few months ago. I was so....aligned then. I knew that I was of the universe and that everything was in it's place. I knew the Earth and I new my Self even though I had NO idea how life was about to unfold. A river guide friend of mine put it best when I met up with him on that trip. "You're in the Eddy", he had said, and I was.  Like I said, I had no idea then what was going to happen but I knew so much. I knew.

I was glad to hear her voice tonight, I needed that. I needed to remember that there is a knowing that I can't un-know even though at times I wish I could. The thing is, I asked to be re-membered, and I still belong to that voice I heard although so much has happened. It's okay to be in the eddy.

I wrote this around the same time of the mini tapes and I find it fitting right now:
--
I walk away
Holding my heart in my hands
Tenderly
For I know she is slightly bruised
And a little bit tired
Thanking her
Every step of the way
--
Tomorrow, once again I walk (or limp) away. And I'm reminded once again, to do so gently.

Good Day

I had a really good day today. Not your typical good day full of sunshine and roses. In fact it's quite dreary outside today. The idea that San Diego is constantly sunny and seventy degrees is not true. Okay it is usually seventy degrees but June is known for it's gloom here.

No it wasn't a day full of sunshine, certainly not a good hair day, I didn't even wake up to a great cup of coffee. In fact I wouldn't even call it an easy day. Once again my body is in pain. I spent an hour on the phone with the credit card company disputing a fraudulent charge. And really, my hair just doesn't look good today. But a good day nonetheless. Good because there's something going on inside of me. A shift of sorts. A shift in my body, a shift in my heart, a shift in Grandmother Earth that I am a part of. I had a really intense massage. My therapist could feel it to. He said that he could feel something moving around in my heart space. Moving around so much that he could feel it vibrating. I am grateful to those around me who have the strength and the knowing to witness this shift and to those who help facilitate it. We are all connected.

There is a lot going on in my heart. It is a journey for me to be true to what is there. A small part of me is against the shift, doesn't want to change and would rather get caught up in things that don't hold any significance and take the easier road. A bigger part of me wants to turn towards the shift, say yes to it and all of it's love, pain and mystery. Take the higher, harder road. As I write about saying yes the sun that I haven't seen all day shines through the stain glass window of the Ideal Hotel where I sit and creates a burst of light. More shiny things. My tears created this moment!

There is a quote that I'm going to butcher here because I don't have it in front of me but it says something about how it is not our darkness that we are afraid of but our light. I find this to be entirely true. I am familiar with my darkness, even friends with it. It is my light that I am discovering daily. It is the idea that I am powerful beyond measure that scares me, and still, I say yes. Yes to the shift, yes to the Earth and yes to a good day.

If

If I created a story how would it read?
Drama, rapture, climax, broken hearts?
If you were to die, what gifts would you leave?
Trust, grace, dignity, offspring?
If the Earth could speak what words would she form?
Betrayal, lies, fear, death?
Aren't all of our stories gifts of hope?
Earth's story is one of Love.
One of us. We are her and she is in us.
What medicine is in you to give back?

A Simple Ring

I bought a ring after I got divorced because it felt funny to not wear one after I took my wedding ring off. It's nothing special, I think I paid twenty dollars for it. It's a simple ring, sterling silver with a hammered finish. It could pass for a men's ring. I wear it on the ring finger on my right hand. I can't stop looking at it today. I take it off and look through it. A perfect, never ending circle. Although I've had it since 2005 I've not paid it much attention. A couple of years ago I left it in one of the camp showers at City of the Rocks. When I realized what I'd done an hour or so later, I ran back to the showers, praying it was there. It sat just above the soap dish. It's just a simple ring. I would miss it if I was gone.

Shiny things.

What? I'm shy...

Recently I was planning to attend a class or something, I can't remember exactly what the event was. I was talking to my roommate before hand and telling her how nervous I was about it. She said to me, "Really? I didn't think you got nervous about these kinds of things." Of course I do! I'll admit I do a lot of things by myself. If I always depended on other people to hang out with me I wouldn't do near as many things as I do, nor would I have met a lot of the people I have met. But I still get nervous and have a hard time not talking myself out of going. In fact, I still consider myself a relatively shy person. Tonight I'm going to a dinner where I will know absolutely no one and the only reason I know I won't  back out it because I already bought a dish.

Then I started to think, what is it exactly what I'm nervous about? Whether or not people will like me? No, that's not it. I have plenty of people who like me and not enough time for those who don't. If there's one thing I've learned this past year it's that I'm not that comfortable in my comfort zone. I am a little bit nervous about busting out of these ridiculous jeans right now. You know what? I think I like the nerves. Maybe it's not nerves but excitement. It's a bit of a rush and just like everything else I've done, I'm sure I'll discover that there was nothing to be nervous about.

I went to a concert by myself a couple of months ago. It was at the Casbah and I felt totally comfortable. I was however, a bit of an anomaly there. I got a lot of "You're hear by yourself?" "Yes", I would say proudly, "I am."

Showing Up

I am coming into a new understanding of love. Love for Self, love for Other's, love for the Earth, love for a place... Love is everywhere, love is all things. This is big love, this is Mystery, and it is in all of us.

Lately I feel as though I am a student of love and this includes learning about love as it pertains to partnership and how that may or may not fit into my life. It is imbedded in us from early childhood that we grow up, we fall in love we get married and we have babies we are happy. This sounds nice and I know plenty of people who have beautiful families and this has worked out well for them. We all know other's who are miserable in their relationship and other's still who lose themselves in their partner and others that struggle to find that special someone. We all have our own journeys with love and it is so interesting to me to be a spectator of others 'relationships' as well as my own.

I read an article in Rock & Ice magazine of all places (I've always had a thing for climbers). The article was written by John Long and this was his response when asked about women. I related to what he was saying and  particularly enjoyed the following excerpts:

"My life is paradoxical, full of discord and not-knowing. But there are also moments on the bed in the lamplight, and you want to show up for these because that's where the paradoxes resolve themselves, where for the time it takes a tear to dry, we taste the open-hearted freedom. And it's often just a look, two palms flushed together, all the simplest things."

"She placed both palms flat on my chest - there was a strong medicine in her hands. then she leaned her face over mine. Have you ever tasted a tear? She kissed me and said she could only love for a few hours at a time. But what a few hours. Then she laid her head on my chest and we traveled. That might sound mawkish, but the encounter itself was stripped down, like torch singers in that empty bar, singing a melody so fragile it was barely there. These are the moments that make a life. That much I know for sure."

I may not have a traditional relationship, nor may I ever. What I know today is that I've shown up these moments that John talks about and I am so blessed to have a life full of love.

Things That Amaze Me

I am amazed at the way the wind blows through the canyon
Gently yet strong enough to cause the trees to sway and
softly kiss my face.

We have a new resident here in the back yard: Hummingbird.
She made a nest in one of the palms and is watching over her eggs.
Hummingbird was present during a very important part of my time in
Anza Borrego. What will happen once the eggs hatch?

Yesterday I had pink flowers around me just like the so called healer said
Spirits making their presence known just above my head.

Rilke wrote "He is strong and lively enough in his curiosity to follow the natural line."
Can I be strong and lively enough?

I'm amazed at what happens when I'm really paying attention and present and open and at how easy it can be to forget.

I'm amazed at the way the moon reflects on the ocean even though it is hidden behind clouds. Shiny things.

It's amazing that we met and that we did or did not connect and how similar our stories are and that we never allowed ourselves to fall in love.

Shiny Things

I must say I am feeling somewhat desperate. I have committed to the grief, it has been difficult to stay present with it. It is hard not to attach my stories to the grief. My body is in so much pain, it hurts to sit still as much as it hurts to move. I was hoping the grieving would release some of this but I woke up hurting more this morning than I did yesterday. I want to use what I have learned to get through this but it is getting harder to remember the tools I have acquired. At times I know that my people are with me and that I am connected to the Earth and there are other times that I feel lost and scared and completely alone.

Yesterday at the ocean I remembered a time in February that I was running on the beach. I believe it was a day or two before the vision quest. As I was running I kept getting distracted by the beauty of the waves and I finally gave in and began to play in them like a child. I was overwhelmed with a sense of love and light that I have never experienced before. I told this story during the first vision quest council and described it as falling in love with my Self. I was the love and the light I felt that day. I have to remember that I am still Love and Light, although I can't currently run or play, and at times the grief seems to overwhelm me. I am of the Earth. That is why I am here, grieving now.

A friend of mine told me of a village where they honor their grief daily and their tears are known as jade beads that make things shine. I give my jade beads to the Earth. So I am asking you, when you see shiny things like leaves glimmering in the sun or a raindrop on a blade of grass, think of me and my tears and help me remember that we are connected and I am not alone. Maybe even give a jade bead of your own.

Release

I've been cultivating my relationship with grief. I would not have chosen these lessons for myself right now as I am stepping into this new life but apparently there is more work to be done in regards to my understanding of depression and sorrow. I have lived with depression most of my life. Last year I went off of antidepressants. I was able to do this with the skills I learned in psychotherapy, spiritual work and naturopathic treatment. I have been doing great and feel a lot less foggy now that I am no longer taking Prozac or anything of the like.

To my surprise, feelings of hopelessness and despair began to creep up these last couple of weeks. I had been warned that some of my old "stuff" would come up post vision quest but this has been rough. On top of the emotional pain, I have been in a lot of physical pain as well. I have had muscle aches and soreness and a hunger and thirst that can't seem to get satisfied. I began to wish that I could turn back the clock and was almost angry at my Self for leaving my "normal" life behind even though deep down I know it was not fulfilling. I have been near tears constantly, it was showing up at my new job and I have been unable to explore this city because of the physical pain. "What do you want?", I asked the sorrow and the pain. It has taken me a while to begin to get answers but this is what I've come up with so far:

I need to live grief in order to know it. Depression is the suppression of grief, or any feelings for that matter. So, instead of trying so hard to fight it or to "get better" I am letting my Self feel the grief, love it and thank it for it's lessons and it's beauty. I will not insult it by masking it with prescriptions. I'm not even sure what or whom I am grieving for, it doesn't really matter. I need to understand the workings of depression in order to help others. I've lived it but never quite understood. I believe that the pain is here to make sure that I know. The vision quest brought a lot to the surface but as one of my fellow questers said recently, the vision quest was the easy part. As I go forward I have to fully understand my stories in order to share my gifts.

I found something yesterday that I wrote in my journal on the vision quest, shortly after my solo:

Release

There is a story full of weeping and horror
Know the story
More importantly know the thing you call pain
and the thing you call suffering
Live it
LOVE it
Let the wealth of it flow in you and be grateful for it every day
Love the Other's
Remember that time is not of importance
If you have one wish let it be Release
If you cry no more something is lost
Always Release
Open the gate, be the Others
Remember Grand Mother is there to hold you

re-membering

This morning I picked “The World is a Waiting Lover” and began to read it from the beginning. I did not realize that the author, Trebbe Johnson, is a guide for AVI, the organization I chose to do my vision quest with. The first chapter recounts parts of a vision quest she was guiding on, specifically the morning that the questers returned from their solo after three days and three nights. As I was reading I was immediately taken back to the morning I returned from my solo. My skin darkened, my hair unkempt, and I am certain, a wildness in my eyes, I stumbled into base camp and although I hadn’t eaten for four days, I felt stronger that morning that I have for weeks in this time space as I fill my body with toxins and my mind with egocentric thoughts. Coming off the solo really was like waking from a dream and I continued in this state for at least several days.

My new friends, fellow questers and guides, had been there to welcome me back from my time alone. I fell into their embrace and saw my Self reflected in their wild eyes. I did not care to share words with them that morning, did not know how, only hugs, tears, laughter and energy. After four miraculous days without food I hesitated to ingest anything, it seemed so foreign to me. As I read about it this morning I could still recall the taste of the avocado I was fed along with a root vegetable I can’t recall the name of, all sprinkled with lemon juice and salt. Nothing so simple ever tasted so good.

I have hardly vocalized to any human beings what happened those two weeks in the desert, particularly what took place on my solo. To do so would somehow do an injustice to the experience but you may begin to see bits and pieces of it here in my blog. I will tell you now that I danced under the stars, spent hours naked in the sun and was shown just as much overwhelmingly painful grief as I was shown indescribable love.

I drove out to Julian last weekend, a small mountain in Southern California. I could not believe how fast the clouds were moving. I hoped that the clouds over my heart would move as quickly.

It was stormy when a friend and I drove through the same town in March when we were coming back from the vision quest. We stopped in Julian at the coffee shop there and ended up spending three hours talking and journaling as the storm outside ensued. It had been so daunting to return to the city. We had so much in our hearts and felt that the world was opening up to us. But at the same time, both of us were uncertain of how we would relate to other's in our lives, if they would be receptive to the changes that had occurred in us. Neither my friend nor I even knew where we would live in the coming days and months. I knew that I was different but I did not know how that would change the way I walked in this world. It’s no wonder I was scared. The reintegration has been far from easy for me especially since I have come off the road after weeks of traveling and landed in a new place, getting to know this new me. I have been tired and physically unwell but I am continually reminded to be gentle with my Self and to trust Mystery.

It is easy to recall the strength I felt during and coming off of the vision quest so I know that strength is still there and that I may find it just below the surface. As I buried my feet in the sand at the ocean the other day and let the waves crash against me, I felt strong again. Soon there will come a time when I can find that strength in my Self anywhere.

Random Page in a Book

I love to open a book to a random page and see what it has to offer. I received some books today that I had ordered on Amazon and decided to implement this practice. The book is called The World is a Waiting Lover by Trebbe Johnson. It was so interesting because the subject matter of the particular paragraph I read was very much like a conversation my roomie and I were having the other day about acknowledging each other, strangers and acquaintances alike by making eye contact or even physical contact. We have been talking a lot about presentation of Self as well. Of course I also have a special affinity for this excerpt because it discusses the gray area between hetero and homosexuality and confesses an attraction to the Other regardless of gender.

The author is speaking of a time when she lived in New York City. She had been admiring the way certain women would flirt with men on the subway.....

"I realized that I, too, could join this harmless mating ritual. So I started allowing myself to exchange probing glances with men, including strangers, friends and casual acquaintances. I realized that, in such moments, the erotic potential - which could mount so quickly that both of us had to look away - was often accompanied by, or even superseded, by something else, a kind of curiosity or fascination. So I began trying out the look on women, too, although that was harder for both of us and could never be sustained as long. When the look endured, however, it was an exquisite thing. The rawness of a soul, fully concentrated in the outward-turning gaze, and meeting, just for an instant, another raw soul, revealed something both exotic and very intimate. The connection between these two ensouled gazes penetrated veils, so each could see the Beloved in the other. Then, in a naked instant of acceptance and desiring curiosity that people usually do not allow into their life, I saw my Beloved in them and their own Beloved shining forth around them."

Disconnected

I went to a festival the other day that was meant to be in celebration of the Earth. The festival was full of people and portable johns and movie nachos and not very good bands and booths supposedly selling things that represented different parts of the world. Most of the crap was made in China. There were some decent parts: African dancers and a Latino band that was interesting but still it was no way that I would have thought to celebrate the Earth. I would rather be held by her on the desert floor, let her hear my cries when no one else is around to listen, climb gracefully up her beautiful rocks or watch the waves lap against her shores.

I had to park two miles away from the festival which was fine, I don't mind walking. But as I was following the herd of people towards the event I experienced a feeling that is not uncommon when I am in an overcrowded place: disconnected. And all of these people seemed disconnected from each other. It's no wonder that as a society we focus on searching for that special other to connect with romantically. No wonder we are procreating, are we seeking unconditional love in our children? No wonder we want to dress like each other or connect with a character in a television show. Can't we love each Other without romance or the same DNA or real people without a screen between us. Not that I myself don't long for a partner at times, it's possible that I'll have a child someday and I do cry every time I watch Grey's Anatomy.

I let myself get carried away with these thoughts at the fair but later as I was leaving, I pull it back and remember. I listened to an amazing group of Brazilian percussionists playing the drums int the park on and girls dancing and we were all connecting through music. I was reminded that if I pay attention, the connections are there. It's there when I receive a huge hug from a musician because the band played, I danced and we connected. It's there when a dear friend of mind finds a ring on the beach miles and miles from here that makes her think of me and we are connected. There is a connection with the owl feather that I carry with me and the owl that I saw in Anza Borrego. If I pay attention, I can think of ten instances in the past week of connecting with Others, human or otherwise. I was sailing and spontaneously thought of a friend of mine, not finding out until later that he has a special connection with sailing. We are all mirrors of each other. We are the same. We are one.

On another note, I feel incredibly shy about posting these thoughts and question the validity of the blog. But admittedly, I am questioning a lot of things these last few days. I am not sure how to share this blog, what to share and with whom. I do know it feels good to write and to connect.