Redefining Home

I spent a few hours tonight cleaning the house I'm living in for the winter. Afterwards I went for a short walk and was filled with the image of the apartment I moved out of in the fall of 2010. I took the image further and imagined laying on my bed, the feel of my comforter that took months to pick out underneath me. I imagined C cooking in the kitchen, friends coming and going or, more often than not, myself sitting alone in the living room, the old hardwood floors not much different than where I live now,in my favorite chair with a book or a journal. Of course my dog Sage was with me then. She used to put her paws up on the window sill, which was the perfect height for her. She must have been pissed when my bike took residence under that window. That was the first place I made my own, when you walked in, you knew me a little better. My Mother and I even painted the walls. The color of my bedroom was Naughty Neutral, a purple/gray color. It proved to be quite fitting :)

I spent several months without a home this past year. I rarely slept in my car but I essentially lived out of it. I learned a lot about myself, staying at a different place every three to four nights. I slept in a child's bunk bed, an amazing house in the mountains feeding the birds and walking among the Aspen, I even slept in a horse trailer. In a way it was adventurous. "I don't know how you do it" others would say to me. I'm not sure either. There were days when I was in an incredible amount of pain and not knowing where I would sleep that night, hauling a bag around while my body was screaming at me. Those times were the hardest but there is a unique way of connecting with someone when they invite you into their home, into their everyday life.

I remember being in Peru when my friends were about to leave and I was a little freaked out because I didn't know where I was going to stay that night. "Wait a minute," I said, "this is no different than when I'm in Utah." With that thought, I realized there was no reason to worry and I 'moved into' a hostel later that day.

I'm so blessed to have a place to stay right now where I am comfortable and have just the right amount of support. In April I'll turn my basement room in for a tent, and the five diamond hotel I currently work at for a farm. A year ago as I was getting ready for my Vision Quest, the idea of camping for twelve days was a little daunting. Now I'll be camping for six months, no doubt gaining an even greater understanding of the word home.

Stories of Stories

Lately I find myself turning to my journals and its almost like picking up the phone and calling a good friend. Writing has always been a large part of my journey yet even today as I read what I wrote only a few weeks ago, I am sometimes surprised at my words and the eloquence around them. There is also a knowing behind them, a truth.

Last year I would wake up in the morning, set a timer for fifteen minutes and write my "pages" as I called it, writing down my stream of consciousness. I would write whatever came up for me. I'm not sure what I wrote about, I've not gone back to read this journal. I am sure that sometimes I simply wrote about the weather and there were other times I would have profound insights. Either way it was a good way for me to sort through my thoughts, release them, or simply send my wishes out into the universe.

I have kept a dream journal which is difficult for me to be consistent with, especially when I was moving around a lot. It started on the Vision Quest and every night I would sleep with my journal next to me and a pen inside of it with my owl feather in the pocket of my tent because owl feathers are known to reveal secrets. I find that it helps to make a conscious decision before I go to sleep to write my dreams down once I wake. When I lived in San Diego, D and I used to share our dreams with each other, we were both keeping a dream journal, and I found that helped me get back into the habbit because I had someone to answer to. I find if I don't write them down I have a hard time remember and sometimes I'll wake up thinking "Damn, there was something I was supposed to remember from the dream world and I can't quite put my finger on it."

In Peru , my journal served as a trusty companion. I picked it out especially for the trip since I had finished my current journal just as I was leaving. I love it when I write in the last page at a perfect time of transition. I was attracted to a small book with a celtic design. I wrote so much in Peru there were times when my hand would ache. One day I was walking with my journal tucked into my vest and it fell down a drain. Luckily it was dry down there and to the astonishment of the Policia that helped me get it open, I crawled down into the street to retrieve it. Good times.

Funny, as I finish this blog I have been writing in the last of my Peruvian/Celtic journal. For me, the end of a journal represents a closure of sorts of stories that I will always take with me that are also somehow ending. I will share a couple of entries from this book now:

October 15th

There is a new confidence about me. How could there not be? I followed my heart here which is exactly where I needed to be. I am trusting my Self. As we were walking off the mountain today, my gait felt strong. I felt beautiful and confident and, I don't know.....charged somehow.

October 17th

I feel surprisingly unattached to much of anything or anyone right now. I guess you could say unattached to any story. It feels different, so light. In a way, I am just beginning my life.

Yesterday we were at the Temple of the Ancient Ones (I'm not sure of the Quechuan name). As I knelt at the beautiful altar there I was surprised at the grief that came up. As I placed my elbows and forehead against the rock, tears arose and when I finally pulled myself away I notice the stain of one of my tears. N wanted to know why, who and how the site was created. As far as I'm concerned, it may as well have been created for me in that moment.

Integrating

I've done this before, come off of a mystical, romantic adventure, full of travel and spirit and shifting and awakening. I knew that returning to the States would be an adjustment but as half a dozen military personnel boarded my flight from Dallas to Salt Lake City, the last leg of my journey, I thought "I got this, piece of cake. Nothing compared to what these brave souls are going through." I know that I have the tools for this and am aware of the importance of being gentle with myself in this time. But still, I find myself not quite sure what to do, although there's plenty to be done. I'm eating a lot and it seems very important to catch up on this season of Grey's Anatomy.  I have no desire to read and I haven't written in my journal hardly at all since my return. As I streamed the latest episode, there was a horrible commercial advertising an anti-depressant. "The symptoms, I still have symptoms." Well no shit lady, treat the Goddamn cause, not the symptoms! Look at your feelings, they have so much to teach you!

So here I am, getting worked up over commercials, feeling somewhat lonely and a little bit lost, more so in this place that I called home for the majority of my adult life than in a country where I initially knew one person and struggled to remember street names like Hatunrumiyac and hardly knew enough of the language to ask for directions. But the loneliness that comes with whenever I return to Utah is not for lack of company or friends, but something else that I can't quite pinpoint. But I'm no longer in Peru. I'm right here, right now. Waiting to hear back about a job, in order to look for an apartment and a hospice to volunteer at and a guitar teacher. If I know I'm going to be here for the next five months I'll start here.....or there. It doesn't have to be here, does it? It does feel good to have plans although not immediate.

I spoke to a good friend of mine this morning, whom I have a very special connection with and have not seen for months. Out of the blue he asked me a question that no one would ever know to ask unless they were there with me, in ceremony, the night of the full moon. I remember others saying to me after ceremony, that I was had been surrounded by beings, rooting for me and sending me love. And I remembered this morning that he and I, we're the same and although Peru is a magical place, everything is right here, in me and that what went on in Peru, whether I return someday or not, will always be apart of me.

Te Amo Mucho

In less than an hour I will head to the airport. I am flying from Arequipa to Lima tonight and early tomorrow from Lima to the States. I was feeling torn up about leaving until the last day or two, now I feel ready. The fact that I´ve been in the city and have been pretty sick in the last 36 hours helps my cause. Hopefully I will find the strength for the long trip home. Tonight, I should have pleanty of time to rest.

I´ve been thinking a lot about what went on for me during ceremony in Cachora. There is a story there so dear and close to my heart. A story I believe has been weighing heavily on me that I was able to face, experience through feeling and love and grief. A sacred wound, a blessing and a curse. There are few who I will share this story with as there are gaps I do not quite understand myself. In my heart I know the details are not important, but my ego wants to know when, who, and was it me? As I honor this story I will live the questions knowing that the answers may or may not reveal themselves with time and are not neccarily an important part of the story.

I´ve visited a lot of churches in Peru, considering I´ve hardly stepped foot in a church for the past ten years. I have felt at peace in these places of worship. Not one with God, but with my Self. I even attended a service in Cusco when I was feeling a bit rattled. Listening to others chant or pray was calming and I even knelt at the pew in meditation. Before I fell ill I visited Monestario Santa Catalina here in Arequipa. I spent over three hours there, wandering like I do, taking in the energy of this monestary which could be a city in an of itself. I´m so curious about these women, the nuns, so commited to their love of God. Living in small cells and praying for the people daily. I saw a nun when I was at Santa Catalina. I was not expecting that although I believe there are over thirty currently living there. She was absolutely glowing in her beautiful white habbit. She looked happy, her expression similar to the woman on Amanti Island who´s family I stayed with and I suppose not disimilar to the expression on my face as I hiked toward Apu Asugante or watched the Condors fly over my head at Colca Canyon or simply sat in the square at Cusco.

Oh, as I recall these memories I am taken back again to that place where I can´t bare to leave! But more than that, I am full of gratitude for these experiences, for the shifts that are occuring, for the friends I´ve made along the way and for my friends and family that allowed this trip to happen for me. Maybe next time I´ll bring you with me :) See you in the States.

More Stories from Peru

What a journey I have been on. I must admit, I´m pretty good at travel. Today I arrived in Arequipa, after a six hour and at least eighty degree bus ride, not knowing a soul. It was a little daunting to arrive in this big city, I´m not a fan of city, but I got myself checked into a nice hostel and got to making plans. Tomorrow I leave the city (yay!) and will spend a couple of days in the Colca Canyon area, doing some hiking camping, visiting volcanoes and will likely see some condors.

There have been several times on this trip, when I come back to my center, that I am struck by the simplicity of my life. Daily I connect with Mother Earth, my Self, children, love, new friends. I am so blessed. Nancy asked me before she left how I would describe my experiences here to my loved ones back home. I do not know. There are stories of places I´ve visited, people I´ve met, experience I´ve had but how does one put into words the energy of these places?

I spent a couple of days on Lake Titicaca. Another powerful place. It sits at 12,500 ft, the highest navicable lake in the world and the largest lake in South America. I visited a few islands, including a floating island and spent the night on Amanti Island with a beautiful family. On the way back to Puno yesterday I felt called to through my ring in the lake, the simple ring I mentioned in an earlier blog, I gave to Madre Titicaca. I think I knew it would stay in Peru, and it felt good to watch it create a splash. A friend of mine had one piece of advice before I left Utah. "Do me a favor", he had said. "Lose yourself there". I don´t think he meant physically although that has happened from time to time. I have not lost my Self here but there is a part of me that I have let go of. Pepe said to me after a night of ceremony, "You don´t have to hold on to everything, just let go." In this way, I suppose I have lost myself. And in letting go of a ring I bought to replace my wedding ring, as if I still needed someone or something, I lost that part of myself that exists in that need.

This simplicity does not mean I want for nothing. I would love to keep traveling to Argentina, Boliva, the world! I would love to have a partner to share in this magic with. I would love to someday have a child and I would love to bring my unique gifts to the world through my vocation. But I am also trusting that mystery knows what my soul needs and all the rest will work itself out.

I met another solo traveler tonight, which is rare. He was excited to hear about the experiences I've  had and was asking me about his own. I am vowing to continue to be open to meeting new people and sharing in my experiences when I get back to the states. It´s so easy to be outgoing and friendly in a different country there is not reason it should be different in the U.S. After all, we are all connected.
 

Home Wherever I Go

I arrived in Peru 22 days ago and in a way it feels as though I've always been here. That's how life has changed since I've become very present. All other time and space falls easily away. There is only the gift of now and letting go of other days. Release.

Today I was walking down Ave Del Sol with a friend of mine and I actually saw someone I know from around town. After we exchanged greetings I looked at the friend I was walking with and we both busted up laughing. "I know someone!" I exclaimed and I think we were both proud. The cute woman at the hostel I currently call home is always concerned with whether or not I eat breakfast. The sweet waiter at the coffeeshop which I'm apparently a regular at friended me on Facebook. And, I know at least four ways to get to Qori Nusta Inn when it took me over an hour to find my way back the first night.

Now, just as this place an I have began to call each other home, I will leave in a day or two. Even so, I'll take with me a swagger in my step, sending my best wishes to the young English student that helped me with my Espanol. -Reciprocity.

I was fortunate enough to spend the afternoon at an absolutely breathtaking hotel, Sol y Luna, in Urabamba. (Something I'm not quick to admit, hotels are kind of my thing.) The villas, the view, the vista, the restaurant, the horses, and Oh my God, the gardens! To top it off, I had the company of four beautiful, charismatic, intelligent, quirky, Peruvian characters. Although I only understood maybe 8% of what was said, the fact that I belonged to there with this group of incredibles was not lost on me.

As we began to sip our post lunch coffee, the clouds that had quickly rolled into the Sacred Valley broke open and with the rain came a flood of emotion. Tears told a story of how for nearly thirty years a girl, a woman, never new that she was worth everything she ever dreamed of. In letting go of that belief I cried, knowing that every beginning requires a death of sorts.

Be Earth Now

Yes, it feels good to be here and my senses could not be happier :) I have visited so many sacred places with incredible energy. I've been through huge shifts and it's been crazy to see the events of the past to come together, especially during a four day intensive with Theo and Pepe. The last night of the intensive was especially powerful. I was able to turn towards something that I had buried deep inside of myself and in turning towards this I was able to let go and experience love greater that i could ever imagine. I feel back inside my Self with a clear head and grateful heart. Grateful to have paid attention to my link to Peru, the vision quest and so much more, not knowing why but trusting what I could not see. My heart is full, my stance is strong and I feel my Self moving into the next phase of life with strength, beauty and knowing. I have re-membered.

Some of you may be more interested in what I've seen here although to me this trip is more about feeling and experiences. Some of the highlights have been Cachora and three children that I absolutely fell in love with, along with the land there. I've been to Machu Picchu, Pisaq, Ollantaytambo and Moray. I visited the sacred mountain Ausungate and witnessed the most beautiful Dispacho (prayer to the Earth). I've discharged and recharged through sacred Apus and rocks. I've lived, loved and laughed with new friends and old.

Some asked when I left the states if I thought I was coming back. Yes, I will return, but different somehow. No, not different, but the person that I've been hiding from. The person I was meant to be. When i think back on my journey, I'm reminded of a few lines in a poem by Rilke: You are not surprised at the force of the storm, you have seen it growing. It wants to sink back into the source of everything. Be Earth now and evensong.


Onto a Vast Plain
Rainer Maria Rilke

You are not surprised at the force of the storm—
you have seen it growing.
The trees flee. Their flight
sets the boulevards streaming. And you know:
he whom they flee is the one
you move toward. All your senses
sing him, as you stand at the window.

The weeks stood still in summer.
The trees' blood rose. Now you feel
it wants to sink back
into the source of everything. You thought
you could trust that power
when you plucked the fruit:
now it becomes a riddle again 
and you again a stranger.

Summer was like your house: you knew
where each thing stood.
Now you must go out into your heart
as onto a vast plain. Now
the immense loneliness begins.

The days go numb, the wind
sucks the world from your senses like withered leaves.

Through the empty branches the sky remains.
It is what you have.
Be earth now, and evensong.
Be the ground lying under that sky.
Be modest now, like a thing
ripened until it is real,
so that he who began it all
can feel you when he reaches for you.

Practices and Peru

Wow. I am going to Peru at the end of the month. In my heart, I've known that I am going but it just became official last week. The Peru thing has  been such a journey for me already and the physical journey is over three weeks away. Oh my God, it's only three weeks away!

Here are some gifts that my journey with Peru has helped me remember and continue to put into practice.

• Don't be attached to the outcome. This has been a great one for me and takes a lot of practice. Peru started with a possible job offer that I was really excited about. Said job would incorporate my previous experience and fit the some of the criteria I had not even specified until job offer got put on hold. Which leads me to the next little pearl I've received from Peru.....
• I have a greater understanding what it is that I want. This is not necessarily something that Peru can take credit for but when the job offer seemed like it had fallen through a dear friend asked me what had attracted me to Peru. I listed off five or six things pretty quickly and realized, "Oh, this is exactly what I want to create". A year ago when I left my job I had know idea what that was. My life experience (particularly in the last year) has helped me to refine that list.
• It is okay to ask for help. This is an ongoing journey for me and I know it will continue to show up until I figure it out. I have the ability to make things happen and sometimes that consists of reaching out for support.
• Anything you can plan is too small. So I'm not planning a lot. The first two weeks in Peru will consist of "tours" with Theo, Nancy and some others. This will involve visiting archeological sites, ceremony, spiritual growth, and so much more yet to be discovered. For the second half of the trip I am on my own with only a place to stay and a small budget and pray that I will have the courage to open my heart to whatever is in store.  
• The present is the greatest gift we have. This goes along with with "anything you can plan....". No, I do not know what I'm going to do after Peru, although that was immediately where I went once my ticket was booked.  I've since pulled those reins in. It is so important that I be present with this in order to be open to the gifts that wait for me in Peru. I have a couple of ideas of what I'd like to do next but as I've learned, Mystery may have other plans. I know that I have a return ticket to Salt Lake City on November 4th although I have know idea where or what I'm returning to. This is how I've living my life the last year, not knowing specifics but trusting the path.
• Gratutitude. Thank you to those of you that have shown me love, support and trust in this. Trusting that this trip is an important part of my journey although I am not certain what it has in store for me other than I believe in my heart that it has an important role in cultivating my gifts. Specifically, thanks to Nancy, Dave, Blake and Steph for your outpouring of support. Also to my friends, old an new for your encouragement.

I'm scared but I know when the time comes I will step into this journey with strength of spirit and heart, thinking beautifully :)