The White Unicorn

A friend of mine that I've known for about ten years, who has also played the role of my pseudo boyfriend for a lot longer than I'd like to admit (an entirely different story), used to call me the white unicorn. The way he saw it, I was that girl who doesn't exist, too good to be true.  I was a hot climber chic with a road bike and a strong, independent woman. Oh, it would get to me when he would call me that. "But I do exist!" I would say to no one in particular, "I'm right here!". 

One day, after he'd called me this at least a dozen times I realized something that was interesting to admit....he was right. Not that I was "to good to be true" but in my own way I was inaccessible. I even had a speech that I handed out when necessary. The words changed depending on the recipient but the basic premise is the same and usually enough to keep another at arms length if not shove them away completely. I even said to one such suitor "I don't do sleep overs". I immediately thought "Really? Did I just say that?" Luckily we were good enough friends to have a good laugh about it. I was so afraid that I used the "speech" almost daily with someone I was really into. Our connection terrified me and I did everything to
push this person away. It worked.

We have all experienced heartache, I know I am not special in that regard. I've come to realize that this has very little to do with my inability to fall in love. This is only one way my fear of having an open heart has manifested itself. After all Love is so much bigger than romantic partners or even family members. Love encompasses everything, we only have to recognize this. In my fear I had forgotten this. In my love for my Self and Other's I have re-membered.