Remember Me?

The ocean causes my heart to sing and as the sea breeze kisses my skin I thank God that I'm alive. I dance among the waves, my body as fluid as your words. I long to dive in and let the vastness pull me under, but alas, I know I have more work to do and more love to know.

I find it curious that I have come back to such a place. This place that, not long ago, met my grief and did not let go. This city that rubbed me raw, worked me to the core, spun me around and spit me right back out. The ocean received my tears then, now she holds me in joy and light, bursting at the seams.

I return older, not so much with age but as one who holds the wisdom of grief and the knowledge of the courage that shines in love.

Loving the Unknown

As I stirred awake this morning it took me several moments to recognize that I am no longer in Salt Gulch. The slam of a drawer or door had me feeling confused. There is nothing that would make that sound in or around the tent I slept in for six and a half months. I was surprised by this confusion since it's actually been several days since I left the place I most recently knew to be home.

Although I am blessed to have a great place to stay, at the house of my brother and niece, I do miss living on the land. I miss the cry of coyote as I go to sleep, I miss the starlit sky and the birds come to life in the morning. Hell, I even miss peeing outside.

Even so, as I left the Salt Gulch and drove out of the town that I'm completely in love with, I knew it was time for me to step away, for however long, it's important for me to show up in the 'real world'. It's important for me to be able to show up anywhere. If I can't do that, then what have I done all of this work for? I must continue to walk the mystical path with practical feel.

Some of you have expressed curiosity as to where I am and what is coming up next for me. I am currently and temporarily in Salt Lake City. Tomorrow I will head to Park City for a few days. I'm looking forward to the workshop with Theo and my friends. I'm excited to continue to be in community with others that support me and have similar objectives.

As for what is next I do not know. I have some idea and I also know that I have some very important decisions to make. It is interesting to be with all of this and at the same time, coming out of an incredibly beautiful experience full of profound stories. So I maintain a trust in myself, a gentleness as I integrate. And although I'm not sure as to my next best step, whatever that is I will work to incorporate the things that I have learned. I must continue to live my gifts, to live with an open heart (as much as it hurts sometimes), and to live in authenticity. 

Thank you all for your concern, love and support.

Re-membering True Nature

I look up through the clouds
Reach my calloused hand toward the stars
Cause this life, it's no longer than my arm
Wind rushes through my veins, causing me to sway
All that's in my heart, can no longer be kept at bay

Six months flew by so quickly and may as well have been a lifetime. So many stories, I do not dare repeat for my heart is still digesting. As much as I love this place, it feels good to know that I will be stepping away soon, however briefly or long, knowing that I need to integrate and be with all that has gone on. At the same time, there is a sadness in the preparation. As I climbed the hill to my tent in the starlight, my heart welled up. Have you ever been held by place? I've been held here, as I dove deeper into living my gifts, into loving fully, into the path of re-membering.

I went to my sit spot this morning. The creek is unusually high, higher even than in the Spring. I remember I used to sit and listen to it gurgle, it seemed as though it was speaking to me. As I sat, I would listen intently to what it had to say. Water speaks without words. I felt comfort in listening this morning, the full creek sounding almost frantic, met the panic in my heart.

The season has been filled with dreams of incomplete circles, dreams of seeds. There are stories of Deer, Owl, Hawk and many more beings. My longing for community and deep connection was met here in profound ways, and helped me begin heal old wounds around community and rejection. New ways of loving. I wonder how we survive loving so many so fully in so many ways. I thank my heart for breaking open in such a way that has allowed me to experience such love, with all of the grief and joy that is wrapped up in such love.

I marvel at the many, amazing musicians I have come into contact with. Who knew, in such a small town? This land seems to call out to those with incredible talent. I've enjoyed many a campfire, barn dance, house concert or spontaneous ditty. What a blessing, to connect with others through music, to fully see and feel a performer. I thought of listing all of them here, but knew I would miss someone. Thank you all for sharing, you're an inspiration to me.

Of course there is the farm. Digging beds, planting seeds, building, laughing, arguing, pounding a hammer with frustration, delicately and lovingly placing seeds in the ground. Mimicking nature through patterns and observation.

Beautiful and grief ridden experiences processing animals, honoring them while doing so. Primitive pottery, medicinal herbs, sleeping in a cave, building fire.

All of these stories have brought with them bigger dreams, deeper knowing and greater responsibility. I could not possibly go out into the world and not share my gifts and what I have learned and remembered. I do not expect it to be easy, I've heard it said that living your gifts is not always living your bliss. It is however, what feeds my heart.

Melodic Days

I was doing some research for a performance theater I am taking part in and found a journal entry from this Summer:

June 28, 2012

The heat persists and seems to set me into slow motion. Afternoons spent in a daze, thoughts melodic yet incomplete. I can't help but take siesta at the hottest part of day, coming to life in the cool of night, re-membering through dance, love and laughter. Each morning I watch the sun rise with fascination, as my stiff hands unfold I ignore the idea that I may have arthritis. My feet are raw but try as I might I can only get myself to wear shoes for an hour or two. Even as I enjoy the quiet I wonder where the others have gone. I long to connect with my people and know that I would not find them all in the same place.
___

Although those few hot weeks experienced in early Summer have long since passed, this journal entry speaks to I am feeling right now. With the end of the Permaculture Design Course I feel as though I am coming out of a dream and once again I find myself in a melodic daze. Yesterday I slept for three hours in the afternoon and was ready for bed again at 8:30. Today as I worked to prepare the garden beds for winter, my body felt slow and heavy, thoughts scattered, love going out to the beautiful beings I was privileged to spend an intense and beautiful fourteen days with. Even half of the apprentices are gone, it's just me and the boys.

For a moment today I felt a strong desire to pack up and leave. So much has gone on here, so many stories and I think in knowing that I am not staying for the winter I felt like rushing the good bye. Then as I went to rehearsal and Yahel and I practiced our piece and I felt the intensity of it I was reminded that it is not time yet to pack up and stories will continue to unfold here in my favorite place. In gratitude I wind down for the night, continuing to ask for guidance and to maintain presence.

See You Later

The season winds down and even as we welcome friends to the farm, the fresh Autumn air brings with it the resounding notes of good-bye or 'see you later' as my friends begin to trickle out. I spent some time in the arms of one such friend last night who is heading East for the winter to take care of his family. He has been a profound part of my journey and I his, both of us holding the awareness that through our brief connection, we left and imprint on each other and are both forever changed. Surprisingly, I did not feel sad for words not left unsaid or feelings unexplored, but a deep, deep gratitude for the Mystery, growth, and gifts of seeing this other and of being seen.

A favorite question I and the other apprentices at True Nature Farm get asked is "What are you doing next?" I've been asked this question before I even arrived here and I've got to admit, I still don't know the answer. Although there are options (Peru, Canada) I am feeling called to stay in the U.S. I don't know where or what that means and while I feel and can do great work anywhere, something that has come up for me a lot is that this land that I come from can use people like me in it.

I've been asking for guidance in this process, as I look for my 'next best step'. Besides the inclination to stay in the states, I'm not getting any definitive answers. I am however, making good connections with people who are interested in my skills and I am paying attention to wherever my heart leads me.

I long to further cultivate my gifts, to bring them to the people. Although I know I do so daily, in my own quiet ways, I seek to embody my gifts more fully and I know each day is a lesson in how to do that. 'Trust yourself and your experience', a new friend said as I shared my stories with here. 'Soon your gifts will become more tangible, more of this world that the "other" world,' a wise teacher said to me recently.

Admittedly, I am a little scared. A bigger part of me is so curious and excited to see where I will go next. I've been a similar place of transition many times over the past couple of years, you can see it here in my stories. Each time I trust and I'm getting better at it with the knowledge that the universe has always puts me where it needs me, just as I'm supposed to be at this course, with this teacher and with these beautiful people.

Best wishes on your journey, follow that thing in your heart that knows the way.

Re-Membering Grief and Love

There are many re-membered stories in which I explore my journey with romantic relationships and the role that they play in my life. In the real world, I tend to be shy about sharing these stories and even here, although I'm grateful to have this outlet to share them, I realize that I'm not entirely forthcoming and I do not always give these stories permission to be a part of my soul journey. I recognize how ridiculous this is, such love can be an incredible guide to soul. A romantic Other can play such a deep part in The Work, through reflection and mirroring and showing us our shadow (the part of us that we have buried, that longs to be seen). I know all of this, yet I continue to belittle such relationships, seeing them as silly or frivolous, not good enough to be a significant part of my journey. I've been confused about romance and the role it may or may not play in my life.

Last night I had a pretty big realization of the role such relationships have played in my life in the past. I have often times gone into relationships with a deep knowing that they will not last. Yet I continue down the path with an Other, knowing that the death of the relationship is inevitable. I am reading a manuscript that a friend lent me knowing about my intimate relationship with grief. I'm not even sure of the name of the book but when I picked it up last night, the words on the pages moved through me as they spoke of Love as a gateway into Grief. The words spoke of how nothing lasts and how, as much as we try to deny or ignore it, everything we love we lose. I was especially touched by a poem recited in the pages, by Eleh Ezkerah called "These We Remember".

'Tis a fearful thing

To love

What death can touch.

To love, to hope, to dream,

And oh, to lose.

A thing for fools, this

Love,

But a holy thing

To love what death can touch.

For your life has lived in me;

You laugh once lifted me;

You word was a gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy.

'Tis a human thing, love,

A holy thing,

To love

What death can touch.

~

In my search for love over the years, was I also seeking out grief? In the deeper parts of my Self did I know my grief was hidden, longing to be seen? In my own way, was I subconsciously bringing the grief to a boil through such relationships, knowing that the grief longed to spill over? As much beauty there was in love, there was the same amount of beauty in my experience with 'breaking up', the breaking open. I joke that I'm really good at breaking up, but it's true. I have had just as extraordinary experiences with the end of relationships as I have in coming together with another. I remember ending things with a woman I was dating for a significant amount of time and feeling closer to her on that day that I said good bye, than I had through out our entire relationship. Over the past year or two, as I've mentioned previously, I've had many experiences of walking away, saying good bye, in order to follow what was calling me. There has been so much substance to these good bye's, so much love and grief.

I'm not to surprised that I've not put this together before, although it's so simple. In my work with 'permission to love' I was not giving romantic love permission to be. I've talked of 'showing up' in relationship, although it is usually fleeting. I also talk of longing for a partner to share the beauty of this journey with. Could I be all talk? If previously, romantic heartache has equaled recognizable grief for me, now that I  have an intimate relationship with grief, where does that leave me in romantic relationships? Many have stood before me, and stand before me now, asking me to love them. At what point am I going to stop saying no? At what point am I going to stop walking, running, pushing others away?

I don't know, but I will continue to practice patience with myself and I'm pretty sure I'll continue to show up in love, (I can't help myself!) being a little more gentle with others and myself in love.

Crossroads

This life, I tell you, is so full of Love and Mystery. At times I feel as though my heart might overflow. I am in awe and confusion of how life has brought me to this place. A place of beauty and knowing and trust. Daily I live my truths, the truths that lay in the darkness and come alive in the light.

This morning, I headed into market to see some friends in town. So many beautiful people in this town and great friends in my life. I stand back and watch them interacting with each other, myself and with the stray kitten that is looking for a home. Afterwards Eden, Yahel and I went to my friend Mike's house to help him put up a huge new hoop house on his property.

I have fallen in love with this community, with this land. I'd like to say this is a surprise but somehow I sensed before I got here that I would be drawn to this place. I also (knowing that anything I can plan is too small) thought I may be going to South America after the apprenticeship is over. I feeling a little torn between these two places, although I know that I will create beauty and community wherever I go at this point. Both places are full of Mystery and wonder. Both are full of possibility and the ability to bring forth my gifts. One would take longer to create community, one may take longer to create family, but are these not the same - family and community? One would bring greater opportunity to make money - but this has come to mean less and less to me.

My heart knows, my head feels confused. And once again, living the question. Each day is so full.