The Year in Stories Part - Life of A Wanderer Part III

Continued......

Grief and Pain

When I settled down in San Diego for a few months a lot of my "stuff" came up. I started this blog then as a 'practice' of telling my stories and learning more about my Self and the journey that I'm on. If you've followed "re-membered stories" you know that I had a lot of grief come up during this time. It took weeks of feeling physically ill and believing that I was being revisited by my old friend depression, when I decided to turn towards the grief. Once I made this decision it poured out of me. My physical discomfort assisted the grief and helped it bubble to the surface.

I was in a good place to go through this. Away from the comfort of friends and family, I was unable to distract myself or hide and bury what I was feeling. I had to turn inward and find a way to comfort my Self and find strength in the core of my being. My friend D, who I was living with was able to give me the space and acceptance I needed to wail and rant and rave and rest and laugh. The ocean was my sanction, and the perfect container for my tears. I began to know that there was a reason for the grief and the pain, that it would help me continue to cultivate my gifts and really understand grief so that I can help others grieve. I also learned the importance of self love and compassion, intigration and nurturing self.

I spent time at the Ideal Hotel and Red Lotus Society, a community of seekers and peace education. I volunteered at the tea room and was able to attend yoga, meditation, and other classes. (I was heartbroken to hear that the Red Lotus Society has since evacuated the hotel.) I began practicing Falun Gong regulary, and on the beach in Encinidas.

Back in Utah

An oppurtunity came up to work in Utah this Summer so I came back in July, knowing that there was unfinished work here with some commitments I had made to my Self on the vision quest. My time here has been an intense journey of shifting and more severence. Old patterns and ways of being continue to creep in and I am constantly learning what I do and do not find comfort in, what is nurturing for me. Relationships have shifted and there has been a lot of grief in that but such shifts are making way for new relationships. I find strength in my relationship with my authentic self, although it is not always easy to be true to that.

I have found love and support in unexpected places and am surprised by this life that I have created. The days have become unspoken gifts. Gifts of love and learning. My health still suffers but I am cultivating a new relationship with my body and I have accepted this as part of the shift. I have a lot to make up for as I tried for years to ignore my body.

I am living in gratitude, learning from different mentors, teachers and friends. Growing from Grandmother Earth and my relationship with her and Self. As I go forward making decisions with my heart and arguing with old beliefs that no longer serve me, I know that anything I can plan is too small so I do not make many plans.

In a lot of ways this past year has been the hardest of my life. It is not easy to really turn towards Self, and it has been such a blessing to reflect on my journey this past month through re-membered stories. "Pathmaker, there is no path. The path is made by walking."