Integrating

I've done this before, come off of a mystical, romantic adventure, full of travel and spirit and shifting and awakening. I knew that returning to the States would be an adjustment but as half a dozen military personnel boarded my flight from Dallas to Salt Lake City, the last leg of my journey, I thought "I got this, piece of cake. Nothing compared to what these brave souls are going through." I know that I have the tools for this and am aware of the importance of being gentle with myself in this time. But still, I find myself not quite sure what to do, although there's plenty to be done. I'm eating a lot and it seems very important to catch up on this season of Grey's Anatomy.  I have no desire to read and I haven't written in my journal hardly at all since my return. As I streamed the latest episode, there was a horrible commercial advertising an anti-depressant. "The symptoms, I still have symptoms." Well no shit lady, treat the Goddamn cause, not the symptoms! Look at your feelings, they have so much to teach you!

So here I am, getting worked up over commercials, feeling somewhat lonely and a little bit lost, more so in this place that I called home for the majority of my adult life than in a country where I initially knew one person and struggled to remember street names like Hatunrumiyac and hardly knew enough of the language to ask for directions. But the loneliness that comes with whenever I return to Utah is not for lack of company or friends, but something else that I can't quite pinpoint. But I'm no longer in Peru. I'm right here, right now. Waiting to hear back about a job, in order to look for an apartment and a hospice to volunteer at and a guitar teacher. If I know I'm going to be here for the next five months I'll start here.....or there. It doesn't have to be here, does it? It does feel good to have plans although not immediate.

I spoke to a good friend of mine this morning, whom I have a very special connection with and have not seen for months. Out of the blue he asked me a question that no one would ever know to ask unless they were there with me, in ceremony, the night of the full moon. I remember others saying to me after ceremony, that I was had been surrounded by beings, rooting for me and sending me love. And I remembered this morning that he and I, we're the same and although Peru is a magical place, everything is right here, in me and that what went on in Peru, whether I return someday or not, will always be apart of me.