Re-member a Child

I had a really nice dinner with some friends tonight, all parents. We got to talking about how to raise children and the things children do when they are teenagers, how they learn to show up in this world. I have not yet had the privilege of being a mama, although I believe I will, someday soon. Even still, I feel I had something to offer the conversation, if only from my own experiences as a child, as an adolescent, and now, as an adult. It's amazing that I survived my teenage years, that any of us do really. Yes, I had sex when I was young, had my 'moments' with alcohol, tried marijuana, and in my later teenage years (sixteen and seventeen), meth. How did I get there? I came from a good family, although I was confused about the things that I'd done and knew my family saw them as bad things. It's not that I hung out with bad kids, I was actually a bit of loner, as I am still today. And then, as I do now, I longed for a sense of community. I did not find that in my church. In fact, quite the opposite. The kids that I did get into trouble with were and are now, as far as I know, beautiful, strong beings, as confused as I was.

I have so much love for my parents, more than they could possibly know. We did absolutely not have an open relationship. I will not delve into this too much, out of respect, but I hardly new what my period was, let alone the affect drugs would have on me or what it meant to give myself to a man. We didn't really talk about much, and still our relationship is strained. I learned from a young age what men wanted from me, long before I was strong enough to stand up for myself as a female. I also had a sadness that hung over me from a very young age that I had no idea what to do with, or how to even ask for help with.

Others who have heard my story ask, "How did you come out of it?" As you now, meth is a pretty hardcore addiction and in my eyes, I was lucky to go through it when I was young, as I had very few interactions with drugs as an adult. Honestly, I don't know how I survived it. Came out of it. I'm sure I had some help, maybe even from my older self. In preparing for the vision quest, they asked us to bring something we could throw into the fire during ceremony. I went through some of my old notebooks and came upon the following that I had written one of the last times I got high as a teenager, I was seventeen at the time.

There is the smallest voice inside my head that tells me it's okay, that life has not broken me yet. Another part of me, part of my soul, wants so badly to shine. A piece of my heart wants to shed a thousand tears. A piece of my mind wants to not think about it anymore.

Even then I cried out, knowing that there was something more inside of me.

Your kids are going to make mistakes. They're going to love and hurt and cry and might really screw up. But they're more resilient than you might think. We survived, so will they. Talk to your children, I told my friends tonight. Love them no matter what and be there for them. I know that someday, as a mother, I will heed the same advice.