This year at Christmas

There have been several people who have said things to me like "I want your life!" You want my what? or "I wish I could do what you do." You wish you could....do what exactly? What is it that I do? Or maybe, what is that I don't do, that others would rather not. Well, I don't answer to anyone. I make decisions, seemingly big decisions based on.....based on my heart. Based on a knowing that exists there. Based on nothing else. Decisions that don't necessarily make sense logistically but that make sense in a way of the world, of the Earth, and of my Self.

And there are times, when, yes I'll admit, I've been terrified. Had no money, not expecting to have any, anytime soon and then boom, from somewhere comes, something. Not a check, actually sometimes a check or a job or a dinner or a place to be. And I answer to my Self, which may be harder, in my case, than answering to someone else. A friend recently admitted to me that he does not like feeling vulnerable. My response was "I feel vulnerable everyday!" It's true. I do and I absolutely love it. I'm vulnerable in love, in hope in this guessing game of high risk when really, I've nothing to lose.

There are tears, excitement, anxiety and laughter. Mostly at myself. At this life I've created that I sometimes call incredible and sometimes others call ridiculous. A life where I know, even through the pain, that magic happens. As I sit here, alone on Christmas Eve I know that you can do this life that I do, have the freedom that I have. There is nothing to regret, nothing to hold onto and everywhere to be. To be right here, right now. Am I waiting for what's next? No. I am here, still terrified, still knowing and still loving with all that I am, all that I have been.

Merry Christmas.