re-membering

This morning I picked “The World is a Waiting Lover” and began to read it from the beginning. I did not realize that the author, Trebbe Johnson, is a guide for AVI, the organization I chose to do my vision quest with. The first chapter recounts parts of a vision quest she was guiding on, specifically the morning that the questers returned from their solo after three days and three nights. As I was reading I was immediately taken back to the morning I returned from my solo. My skin darkened, my hair unkempt, and I am certain, a wildness in my eyes, I stumbled into base camp and although I hadn’t eaten for four days, I felt stronger that morning that I have for weeks in this time space as I fill my body with toxins and my mind with egocentric thoughts. Coming off the solo really was like waking from a dream and I continued in this state for at least several days.

My new friends, fellow questers and guides, had been there to welcome me back from my time alone. I fell into their embrace and saw my Self reflected in their wild eyes. I did not care to share words with them that morning, did not know how, only hugs, tears, laughter and energy. After four miraculous days without food I hesitated to ingest anything, it seemed so foreign to me. As I read about it this morning I could still recall the taste of the avocado I was fed along with a root vegetable I can’t recall the name of, all sprinkled with lemon juice and salt. Nothing so simple ever tasted so good.

I have hardly vocalized to any human beings what happened those two weeks in the desert, particularly what took place on my solo. To do so would somehow do an injustice to the experience but you may begin to see bits and pieces of it here in my blog. I will tell you now that I danced under the stars, spent hours naked in the sun and was shown just as much overwhelmingly painful grief as I was shown indescribable love.

I drove out to Julian last weekend, a small mountain in Southern California. I could not believe how fast the clouds were moving. I hoped that the clouds over my heart would move as quickly.

It was stormy when a friend and I drove through the same town in March when we were coming back from the vision quest. We stopped in Julian at the coffee shop there and ended up spending three hours talking and journaling as the storm outside ensued. It had been so daunting to return to the city. We had so much in our hearts and felt that the world was opening up to us. But at the same time, both of us were uncertain of how we would relate to other's in our lives, if they would be receptive to the changes that had occurred in us. Neither my friend nor I even knew where we would live in the coming days and months. I knew that I was different but I did not know how that would change the way I walked in this world. It’s no wonder I was scared. The reintegration has been far from easy for me especially since I have come off the road after weeks of traveling and landed in a new place, getting to know this new me. I have been tired and physically unwell but I am continually reminded to be gentle with my Self and to trust Mystery.

It is easy to recall the strength I felt during and coming off of the vision quest so I know that strength is still there and that I may find it just below the surface. As I buried my feet in the sand at the ocean the other day and let the waves crash against me, I felt strong again. Soon there will come a time when I can find that strength in my Self anywhere.