Illumination

Lately I see my path laid out before me, at least for the next year or so. Also aware that anything I can plan is too small and sometimes Mystery has other things in store. For the past several months, the following is a prayer I carry with me daily:

I open my heart and soul to the truth, and ask that my life's journey be illuminated before me.  I ask for the wisdom to see, even in the darkness of life's challenges, and the ability to manifest my true path.

(Through this mantra I have also come to understand that my gift to the world involves helping others illuminate their own path!)

I've been surprised at the power of this statement, wrapped up in all of it's simplicity.  And it goes back to paying attention. When I do (pay attention) my journey really is illuminated before me, in very subtle and not so subtle ways.  I have a very clear picture of what I would like the next year to look like which can be very exciting for a wanderer such as myself. I know what I want and I also know that it could change and that could be okay too. Most of the time......

Then today I was suddenly and unexpectedly consumed with the "how" and none of my plans seemed to make any sense to me logistically and it seemed really important for them too. "I could opt out", I even thought. What?! Opt out? And do what? I'm sure there are plenty of other things I could do besides drop out of normal society and live on a farm for six months, cultivating the land and my gifts. I tried to come up with other things, I could go to Peru now rather than later, I could go to another different country altogether and finally do some humanitarian work. Even taking the money I make this winter and going out on the road seemed more realistic to me than the farm. I could stay here and pursue the informal job offer I received the other day. But whatever I came up with, seemed empty, made me feel empty.

Then I began to question the validity of other things I'd like to do right now. What am I thinking wanting to play the guitar? I haven't played any kind of instrument for 20+ years and I was not good at it then! How can I learn Spanish with out paying a lot of money for a class, money that I could save up for the summer and on and on. Catching myself before all of this got to out of control, I pulled the reigns in. How much of this has to do with the how and finances and how much of it has to do with the work I've been doing around not being good enough? At what point am I going to really trust my Self, trust Mystery, when I have been shown time and time again that my intuition will take me exactly to where I need to be in one way or another.

I know what I'm working towards. As I work toward this goal, things will take care of themselves, regardless of how I see them unfolding now. Right now, in this moment I have all of that and so much right here.

I had the funniest conversation the other day with a women I've worked with and known since 1999. She has always been incredibly forthright and when I ran into in the employee cafeteria she had not changed. "Don't you want a reall job?" She had asked me in her Chinese accent. "Your very different aren't you? Most people get a real job so they have a steady income." "Yes my friend, I am very different." "Don't you date?" Was her next question, Wow, that shifted quick. "Once in a while", I responded, laughing out loud now. "Yes I"m very different."