Break Open

"It can be a lonely path" a teacher said to me once as she contemplated my journey. I know that I've chosen this life of solitude, yet I've made love like there was no one else in the room. I've stood in the doorway of my own heart and allowed it to break open. I stand naked before you now, as we thaw out old stories, of heroism, of danger, of love and disguise.

My body is more full, my eyes somehow darker, in my hair, a hint of grey that I wear proudly. For behind the depth of my eyes, are the stories of my oh so beautiful life. To quote a song by Lost in the Trees, "I got love songs, I got songs that make you cry." And they're incredible songs, beautiful stories that make up my life.

I'll share some of them now, doing so with the intention of transforming them into something new and letting go of what no longer serves me. These are old stories (old meaning they happened before today;). I tell them with love and respect and with anonymity.
~
You are in the way of this for me. In the way of what is important. I am angry and this morning I did not want to look at you. Of course you were the first one I saw. I though maybe you knew. "An attraction can happen anywhere...nothing after this." I am the queen of nothing after this. I understand that I, on my own, accepted this crown. I don't know if you can see. This is stopping me up. If I'm honest with myself I know there is a reason for this and it will keep showing up until I have the courage to look.
~
Making my way slowly back to my hometown to tie up loose ends I was blessed to take a LONG pause in one of my favorite places. I was there for a one day event and ended up staying for an entire week. I had the most beautiful journey there being completely present and engulfed in every moment, without concern for tomorrow or yesterday. A love story revealed itself there. If I had not been so blinded by my unwillingness to accept love before my journey - especially romantically- I would have seen this story unfolding before I left. But it didn't occur to me that this other might be a little bit hurt that I'm leaving until much later. I love this person dearly without strings or conditions and I had pushed him away in the past and regretted it.

It was not easy for me to tell him that I was leaving and not easy for him to hear but we both seemed to know that everything is as it should be. And after three more incredible days together I walked away. But not because I'm scared or stubborn or won't let love in but because I know that I have to answer to myself right now and the shifts I have experienced recently. I did not walk away overwhelmed with grief but with a deep, deep gratitude for the time that I have spent with this person and the gifts that our relationship has brought me and will continue to bring. I feel so grateful that I was present enough to know that I needed to walk away, holding my heart gingerly in my hands and thanking it for it's strength with every step that I put between my Self and the Other.
~

I never really mean to fall in love. In fact, I've been known to fight against it. And still, I tend to show up, knowing full well how fleeting it can be. "Do you get lonely, doing what you do alone?" a friend had asked me. Sometimes. Other times it would never occur to me that I am alone. 


I felt him pull away the last couple of days. I've seen it before, I've lived it before. We only spent a short time together tonight but it was a painful hour and a half. He was sad, trying to cover it up with sarcasm and, like yesterday, looking for comfort in his status, "They want me to run for office again." 


He's escorting me to the train station tomorrow. I would rather he not and tried to talk him out of it. But he's done so much, I didn't want to offend. Neither do I want to drag out good bye. What will I say? He should know I love him. Does he want me to say I'll stay? It doesn't matter, I won't.
~
Me: How do we survive such achingly beautiful heartache?
Her: It's inextricably linked to what brings us alive.
~

It's incredible to me how having one's heart broken can break it open in such a way that love comes rushing back in. In allowing ourselves to risk such heartache, sometimes time and time again, we embrace such love, a love that is bigger than all of our love songs.

Yup, I get lonely sometimes. It's hard for me to admit this and even more difficult to give my self permission to be lonely. Then I play the guitar for my friends while they sing along or have a conversation with a Magpie or climb a beautiful rock, and fall completely in love all over again.