Wrapping Up

I've been back in Salt Lake City for nearly five months now. My time in Peru seems far away as I prepare for my next venture, a six month sustainability apprenticeship on an organic farm. I will work through this weekend and take next week off to prepare physically and emotionally and to rest. I'm exhausted! I love Spring but as I become more and more sensitive it's a difficult transition for me as the Earth prepares for new growth.

I speak often in the blog about manifesting, trusting and following my heart. Pattern: Once I commit to a new adventure (i.e., the farm, Peru, any commitment really) I immediately revert to, "How am I going to make this happen?" "What the hell am I thinking?" Or, my favorite, "What will I do next?" Of course, as much as I stress about the how, everything has worked out financially. Even as I've watched my savings account expand, I admit I still worry a little, I won't be bringing in any money for at least seven months. I've realized a lot of my fears around making these things happen are tied to an old belief I've had that I don't deserve the life that I want. Working on that one.

Winter, as in previous years, was a quiet time for me, a time of turning inward. I did not travel, I was not especially social. What touched me were the little nuances. Sitting with a fire under the full moon, reading my stories to a group of strangers, having a place to call home and a friend there to share more stories with. Learning to play the guitar, walking the dogs in the Foothills, playing the stranger in this city even though I've spent the majority of my adult life here. Making new friends and creating relationships with people who have were merely aquantainces before. Screaming at the top of my lungs into the darkness of the night in Big Cottonwood Canyon with a friend who'd had a rough day. Shifting, sharing and loving.

As I begin to wrap up my life here I'm aware of how different it's been than before. How I'm somehow different. I feel closure with certain ideas and beliefs or people that I've clung onto and with that closure a heaviness has lifted to be replaced with muscle and wisdom. And I've only just begun!

A co-worker and friend said to me today, "C'mon Angela, this whole farm thing, it's rehab isn't it?"