If

If I created a story how would it read?
Drama, rapture, climax, broken hearts?
If you were to die, what gifts would you leave?
Trust, grace, dignity, offspring?
If the Earth could speak what words would she form?
Betrayal, lies, fear, death?
Aren't all of our stories gifts of hope?
Earth's story is one of Love.
One of us. We are her and she is in us.
What medicine is in you to give back?

A Simple Ring

I bought a ring after I got divorced because it felt funny to not wear one after I took my wedding ring off. It's nothing special, I think I paid twenty dollars for it. It's a simple ring, sterling silver with a hammered finish. It could pass for a men's ring. I wear it on the ring finger on my right hand. I can't stop looking at it today. I take it off and look through it. A perfect, never ending circle. Although I've had it since 2005 I've not paid it much attention. A couple of years ago I left it in one of the camp showers at City of the Rocks. When I realized what I'd done an hour or so later, I ran back to the showers, praying it was there. It sat just above the soap dish. It's just a simple ring. I would miss it if I was gone.

Shiny things.

What? I'm shy...

Recently I was planning to attend a class or something, I can't remember exactly what the event was. I was talking to my roommate before hand and telling her how nervous I was about it. She said to me, "Really? I didn't think you got nervous about these kinds of things." Of course I do! I'll admit I do a lot of things by myself. If I always depended on other people to hang out with me I wouldn't do near as many things as I do, nor would I have met a lot of the people I have met. But I still get nervous and have a hard time not talking myself out of going. In fact, I still consider myself a relatively shy person. Tonight I'm going to a dinner where I will know absolutely no one and the only reason I know I won't  back out it because I already bought a dish.

Then I started to think, what is it exactly what I'm nervous about? Whether or not people will like me? No, that's not it. I have plenty of people who like me and not enough time for those who don't. If there's one thing I've learned this past year it's that I'm not that comfortable in my comfort zone. I am a little bit nervous about busting out of these ridiculous jeans right now. You know what? I think I like the nerves. Maybe it's not nerves but excitement. It's a bit of a rush and just like everything else I've done, I'm sure I'll discover that there was nothing to be nervous about.

I went to a concert by myself a couple of months ago. It was at the Casbah and I felt totally comfortable. I was however, a bit of an anomaly there. I got a lot of "You're hear by yourself?" "Yes", I would say proudly, "I am."

Showing Up

I am coming into a new understanding of love. Love for Self, love for Other's, love for the Earth, love for a place... Love is everywhere, love is all things. This is big love, this is Mystery, and it is in all of us.

Lately I feel as though I am a student of love and this includes learning about love as it pertains to partnership and how that may or may not fit into my life. It is imbedded in us from early childhood that we grow up, we fall in love we get married and we have babies we are happy. This sounds nice and I know plenty of people who have beautiful families and this has worked out well for them. We all know other's who are miserable in their relationship and other's still who lose themselves in their partner and others that struggle to find that special someone. We all have our own journeys with love and it is so interesting to me to be a spectator of others 'relationships' as well as my own.

I read an article in Rock & Ice magazine of all places (I've always had a thing for climbers). The article was written by John Long and this was his response when asked about women. I related to what he was saying and  particularly enjoyed the following excerpts:

"My life is paradoxical, full of discord and not-knowing. But there are also moments on the bed in the lamplight, and you want to show up for these because that's where the paradoxes resolve themselves, where for the time it takes a tear to dry, we taste the open-hearted freedom. And it's often just a look, two palms flushed together, all the simplest things."

"She placed both palms flat on my chest - there was a strong medicine in her hands. then she leaned her face over mine. Have you ever tasted a tear? She kissed me and said she could only love for a few hours at a time. But what a few hours. Then she laid her head on my chest and we traveled. That might sound mawkish, but the encounter itself was stripped down, like torch singers in that empty bar, singing a melody so fragile it was barely there. These are the moments that make a life. That much I know for sure."

I may not have a traditional relationship, nor may I ever. What I know today is that I've shown up these moments that John talks about and I am so blessed to have a life full of love.

Things That Amaze Me

I am amazed at the way the wind blows through the canyon
Gently yet strong enough to cause the trees to sway and
softly kiss my face.

We have a new resident here in the back yard: Hummingbird.
She made a nest in one of the palms and is watching over her eggs.
Hummingbird was present during a very important part of my time in
Anza Borrego. What will happen once the eggs hatch?

Yesterday I had pink flowers around me just like the so called healer said
Spirits making their presence known just above my head.

Rilke wrote "He is strong and lively enough in his curiosity to follow the natural line."
Can I be strong and lively enough?

I'm amazed at what happens when I'm really paying attention and present and open and at how easy it can be to forget.

I'm amazed at the way the moon reflects on the ocean even though it is hidden behind clouds. Shiny things.

It's amazing that we met and that we did or did not connect and how similar our stories are and that we never allowed ourselves to fall in love.

Shiny Things

I must say I am feeling somewhat desperate. I have committed to the grief, it has been difficult to stay present with it. It is hard not to attach my stories to the grief. My body is in so much pain, it hurts to sit still as much as it hurts to move. I was hoping the grieving would release some of this but I woke up hurting more this morning than I did yesterday. I want to use what I have learned to get through this but it is getting harder to remember the tools I have acquired. At times I know that my people are with me and that I am connected to the Earth and there are other times that I feel lost and scared and completely alone.

Yesterday at the ocean I remembered a time in February that I was running on the beach. I believe it was a day or two before the vision quest. As I was running I kept getting distracted by the beauty of the waves and I finally gave in and began to play in them like a child. I was overwhelmed with a sense of love and light that I have never experienced before. I told this story during the first vision quest council and described it as falling in love with my Self. I was the love and the light I felt that day. I have to remember that I am still Love and Light, although I can't currently run or play, and at times the grief seems to overwhelm me. I am of the Earth. That is why I am here, grieving now.

A friend of mine told me of a village where they honor their grief daily and their tears are known as jade beads that make things shine. I give my jade beads to the Earth. So I am asking you, when you see shiny things like leaves glimmering in the sun or a raindrop on a blade of grass, think of me and my tears and help me remember that we are connected and I am not alone. Maybe even give a jade bead of your own.

Release

I've been cultivating my relationship with grief. I would not have chosen these lessons for myself right now as I am stepping into this new life but apparently there is more work to be done in regards to my understanding of depression and sorrow. I have lived with depression most of my life. Last year I went off of antidepressants. I was able to do this with the skills I learned in psychotherapy, spiritual work and naturopathic treatment. I have been doing great and feel a lot less foggy now that I am no longer taking Prozac or anything of the like.

To my surprise, feelings of hopelessness and despair began to creep up these last couple of weeks. I had been warned that some of my old "stuff" would come up post vision quest but this has been rough. On top of the emotional pain, I have been in a lot of physical pain as well. I have had muscle aches and soreness and a hunger and thirst that can't seem to get satisfied. I began to wish that I could turn back the clock and was almost angry at my Self for leaving my "normal" life behind even though deep down I know it was not fulfilling. I have been near tears constantly, it was showing up at my new job and I have been unable to explore this city because of the physical pain. "What do you want?", I asked the sorrow and the pain. It has taken me a while to begin to get answers but this is what I've come up with so far:

I need to live grief in order to know it. Depression is the suppression of grief, or any feelings for that matter. So, instead of trying so hard to fight it or to "get better" I am letting my Self feel the grief, love it and thank it for it's lessons and it's beauty. I will not insult it by masking it with prescriptions. I'm not even sure what or whom I am grieving for, it doesn't really matter. I need to understand the workings of depression in order to help others. I've lived it but never quite understood. I believe that the pain is here to make sure that I know. The vision quest brought a lot to the surface but as one of my fellow questers said recently, the vision quest was the easy part. As I go forward I have to fully understand my stories in order to share my gifts.

I found something yesterday that I wrote in my journal on the vision quest, shortly after my solo:

Release

There is a story full of weeping and horror
Know the story
More importantly know the thing you call pain
and the thing you call suffering
Live it
LOVE it
Let the wealth of it flow in you and be grateful for it every day
Love the Other's
Remember that time is not of importance
If you have one wish let it be Release
If you cry no more something is lost
Always Release
Open the gate, be the Others
Remember Grand Mother is there to hold you