I spent a few hours tonight cleaning the house I'm living in for the winter. Afterwards I went for a short walk and was filled with the image of the apartment I moved out of in the fall of 2010. I took the image further and imagined laying on my bed, the feel of my comforter that took months to pick out underneath me. I imagined C cooking in the kitchen, friends coming and going or, more often than not, myself sitting alone in the living room, the old hardwood floors not much different than where I live now,in my favorite chair with a book or a journal. Of course my dog Sage was with me then. She used to put her paws up on the window sill, which was the perfect height for her. She must have been pissed when my bike took residence under that window. That was the first place I made my own, when you walked in, you knew me a little better. My Mother and I even painted the walls. The color of my bedroom was Naughty Neutral, a purple/gray color. It proved to be quite fitting :)
I spent several months without a home this past year. I rarely slept in my car but I essentially lived out of it. I learned a lot about myself, staying at a different place every three to four nights. I slept in a child's bunk bed, an amazing house in the mountains feeding the birds and walking among the Aspen, I even slept in a horse trailer. In a way it was adventurous. "I don't know how you do it" others would say to me. I'm not sure either. There were days when I was in an incredible amount of pain and not knowing where I would sleep that night, hauling a bag around while my body was screaming at me. Those times were the hardest but there is a unique way of connecting with someone when they invite you into their home, into their everyday life.
I remember being in Peru when my friends were about to leave and I was a little freaked out because I didn't know where I was going to stay that night. "Wait a minute," I said, "this is no different than when I'm in Utah." With that thought, I realized there was no reason to worry and I 'moved into' a hostel later that day.
I'm so blessed to have a place to stay right now where I am comfortable and have just the right amount of support. In April I'll turn my basement room in for a tent, and the five diamond hotel I currently work at for a farm. A year ago as I was getting ready for my Vision Quest, the idea of camping for twelve days was a little daunting. Now I'll be camping for six months, no doubt gaining an even greater understanding of the word home.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Forgotten Stories
I don't talk in the blog much these days of the hard times. Believe me, they are there. I've been touched by a deep sadness tonight. It penetrates through my being and left me feeling disillusioned and alone. I know a part of it is the moon and I expect to bleed in a day or two. "What am I doing here?" I ask myself. I spent years finding my place in this crazy world and I had found it too. A large circle of friends, a good job, a home, a beautiful body and a regular exercise routine, a good therapist. Why couldn't have that been enough for me? I didn't love myself enough then. Why would I possibly believe that I was worth more? I wasn't even worth what was already mine. Why is the every day, the typical, not enough for me?
I receive answers when I cry out, but they are sporadic and I can't keep up.
It's times like these I long for simple things, my bed and someone to lay with in it. A friend to talk to who would understand without words. I find myself hiding in my hands. Is this what despair looks like?
I wrote this about a week ago. Since then I've had my first Biophoton Therapy treatment that essentially makes the chaotic light emitting from your cells, well, not chaotic. I have hopes that this machine will help me, but I'm also helping on the research side of it, and that includes getting to know the treatment process. My naturopath warned me that there could be a detox period, one which for whatever reason I assumed would be physical. I did have a headache the days proceeding my treatment, but the majority of my "detox" was emotional. I had a lot of sadness come up, and even some anger. It helped to know that this was part of the process and things were definitely shifting. I was able to be in that place of grief and anger without attaching any stories to my feelings, and nurturing myself along the way.
I worry that my brain is unable to produce Seratonin on it's own since I was on anti depressants for so long. I get scared when the word depression comes to mind and I remember that for years I believed something was "wrong" with me. Those thoughts have a tendancy to creep back up when I get sad. Naively, there have been times when I've done some really great work or undergone a significant shift, I'll think, "That was it, that was the thing that was holding me back." Of course there's always more. I read this morning something to the effect of "There's no epidoral for spiritual birthing."A teacher of mine has asked me several times if I was in some kind of an accident when I was a child. I've been asked this before. I don't remember having an accident. I remember crying out for help and no one would listen. What could I possibly need help with? I was only a child.
It sounds trite to say, but in the middle of all of this I experience moments of love, peace and dare I say ecstasy. I am working on my ability to bring these feeling up in my Self, without the assistance of others. I've done some much work, at times it feels like I've not come very far at all.
I receive answers when I cry out, but they are sporadic and I can't keep up.
It's times like these I long for simple things, my bed and someone to lay with in it. A friend to talk to who would understand without words. I find myself hiding in my hands. Is this what despair looks like?
I wrote this about a week ago. Since then I've had my first Biophoton Therapy treatment that essentially makes the chaotic light emitting from your cells, well, not chaotic. I have hopes that this machine will help me, but I'm also helping on the research side of it, and that includes getting to know the treatment process. My naturopath warned me that there could be a detox period, one which for whatever reason I assumed would be physical. I did have a headache the days proceeding my treatment, but the majority of my "detox" was emotional. I had a lot of sadness come up, and even some anger. It helped to know that this was part of the process and things were definitely shifting. I was able to be in that place of grief and anger without attaching any stories to my feelings, and nurturing myself along the way.
I worry that my brain is unable to produce Seratonin on it's own since I was on anti depressants for so long. I get scared when the word depression comes to mind and I remember that for years I believed something was "wrong" with me. Those thoughts have a tendancy to creep back up when I get sad. Naively, there have been times when I've done some really great work or undergone a significant shift, I'll think, "That was it, that was the thing that was holding me back." Of course there's always more. I read this morning something to the effect of "There's no epidoral for spiritual birthing."A teacher of mine has asked me several times if I was in some kind of an accident when I was a child. I've been asked this before. I don't remember having an accident. I remember crying out for help and no one would listen. What could I possibly need help with? I was only a child.
It sounds trite to say, but in the middle of all of this I experience moments of love, peace and dare I say ecstasy. I am working on my ability to bring these feeling up in my Self, without the assistance of others. I've done some much work, at times it feels like I've not come very far at all.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Time to Re-Member
The Universe is calling out for a change in each of us, begging us to re-member. Heed to the call. Economies are collapsing, the Earth is suffering, resources depleting, children expressing themselves through violence, the list goes on and on. Yet we still cling to hatred. There is hope, there are people who are waking up. Stand up for change. Do not waste energy hating those that are different than you but ask "What do I have to learn from you?"
I was walking up to the grocery store the other day and there was a man just getting out of a cab. He was screaming at the cab driver to go back to his country, calling him a terriorst. This man was full of hatred but there was something else. He was surrounded in fear, self loathing and grief he did not know how to express.
That same day I had lunch with a few of my associates that I've known for years, all of a certain religious background. One staunch Mormon, who refuses to see anything different than stories he's been told, a woman who is on the same path but obviously does not want to be and another who's just a great guy who happens to be Mormon. We got into an interesting discussion about victims of abuse, whether or not to talk to children about sex, and what we have to learn as parents and children of parents. At one point in the conversation, the first man I mentioned brings up his sister in law who has a "problem" with homosexual attraction. "A problem?" I said, and he brushed me off. I walked away from the discussion not feeling angry or upset but grateful.
I did not come from a liberal family. (I don't like that word liberal it sounds so political). I was not taught to have an open mind. Yet somehow that as always been in me, a part of who I am. I remember at a young age my brother-in-law saying to me, out of the blue, "Don't ever marry a black man." This is the same brother in law that asked "Did I read your t-shirt right?" when he saw a picture of me in my "I'm not straight and I support equal rights" t-shirt. I don't get to wrapped up in the political scene although I did march around downtown Salt Lake City in 2008 with thousands of others protesting Prop 8. As I watched the rainbow flag glide past the church office building I remember being amazed that so much love could come out of a protest. There was not a hint of hate in that crowd.
I don't watch the news, I don't start arguments. but I've held hands with a woman in public, I don't pretend to be gay or straight and I support those who are either, I have friends who I know are illegal immigrants and I'm so glad they're here and I have been blessed to know them. I speak openly about depression and I don't feel different that people with mental or physical disabilities. I've been a drug addict, I've no qualms against anyone who has so much pain or grief that they don't know what to turn to but drugs or alcohol. I've never lived on the street but I've been homeless by choice. And no, I don't very often toot my own horn, but as I walked away from that lunch with my friends, people who are not at all like me, I felt proud of my life of equality. Not because I worked hard at it, or because I have a lot to fight for but because I came that way and I live my life as an example, every day.
Remember, that while you've certainly waded through your shit, there are others who have horribly, difficult stories that may be different than yours. Stories that you cannot imagine surviving. Remember this before you put another down or decide to hate. Look at what qualities they possess that you don't like to see in yourself, or on the flip side, what attributes do they have that you long for in yourself? Remember the love that you came from and what an important role it can play in these difficult times. The Universe needs you to re-member. Do not look outside yourself for the leader.
I was walking up to the grocery store the other day and there was a man just getting out of a cab. He was screaming at the cab driver to go back to his country, calling him a terriorst. This man was full of hatred but there was something else. He was surrounded in fear, self loathing and grief he did not know how to express.
That same day I had lunch with a few of my associates that I've known for years, all of a certain religious background. One staunch Mormon, who refuses to see anything different than stories he's been told, a woman who is on the same path but obviously does not want to be and another who's just a great guy who happens to be Mormon. We got into an interesting discussion about victims of abuse, whether or not to talk to children about sex, and what we have to learn as parents and children of parents. At one point in the conversation, the first man I mentioned brings up his sister in law who has a "problem" with homosexual attraction. "A problem?" I said, and he brushed me off. I walked away from the discussion not feeling angry or upset but grateful.
I did not come from a liberal family. (I don't like that word liberal it sounds so political). I was not taught to have an open mind. Yet somehow that as always been in me, a part of who I am. I remember at a young age my brother-in-law saying to me, out of the blue, "Don't ever marry a black man." This is the same brother in law that asked "Did I read your t-shirt right?" when he saw a picture of me in my "I'm not straight and I support equal rights" t-shirt. I don't get to wrapped up in the political scene although I did march around downtown Salt Lake City in 2008 with thousands of others protesting Prop 8. As I watched the rainbow flag glide past the church office building I remember being amazed that so much love could come out of a protest. There was not a hint of hate in that crowd.
I don't watch the news, I don't start arguments. but I've held hands with a woman in public, I don't pretend to be gay or straight and I support those who are either, I have friends who I know are illegal immigrants and I'm so glad they're here and I have been blessed to know them. I speak openly about depression and I don't feel different that people with mental or physical disabilities. I've been a drug addict, I've no qualms against anyone who has so much pain or grief that they don't know what to turn to but drugs or alcohol. I've never lived on the street but I've been homeless by choice. And no, I don't very often toot my own horn, but as I walked away from that lunch with my friends, people who are not at all like me, I felt proud of my life of equality. Not because I worked hard at it, or because I have a lot to fight for but because I came that way and I live my life as an example, every day.
Remember, that while you've certainly waded through your shit, there are others who have horribly, difficult stories that may be different than yours. Stories that you cannot imagine surviving. Remember this before you put another down or decide to hate. Look at what qualities they possess that you don't like to see in yourself, or on the flip side, what attributes do they have that you long for in yourself? Remember the love that you came from and what an important role it can play in these difficult times. The Universe needs you to re-member. Do not look outside yourself for the leader.
What about the how?
Although it's been a great week I'm feeling tired and a little defeated today. I've come down with a chest cold, aches and chills and the whole bit. It's made me extra sensitive and I'm easily irritated or brought to tears. The other night I was watching the Steve Jobs 2005 Stanford commencement address. As he spoke about following your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path, trusting that the dots will connect, I sobbed, "I'm trying to follow heart". I'm trying.
"Should I being doing more?" I kept asking today. A couple of opportunities have come up to make more money, but none of them have come through. It's not about doing, I'm doing what I can. I'm not perfect, I may have gone out to dinner when I shouldn't or maybe I should have worked a full day yesterday even though I'm sick. I can see myself in what my heart is moving me towards. Will that be enough? "Go forward with an open heart". Here I am. Raw, naked, with all of my beautiful flaws and trusting and yes, I get scared.
It's not that I really want to live in a tent for six months. There is nothing romantic about using an outhouse for the same amount of time. It's just that I feel in my heart this apprenticeship to be an important part of my path. All of the work I've done has confirmed it. I can't help but ask, how will I get there?
Comfort came from an unexpected source. A conversation with my father. My Dad is the best man I've ever known. It's not easy for him to reach out to me these days, yet he did. A simple, five minute phone call inquiring about how my plans are going, But not only that, when I went into the reasons the farm fits my path, he seemed to understand and trust me. As I hung up the phone I felt, for the first time in weeks that I'll get there. And if not, I'm learning A LOT along the way.
So I'll go forward with my plans not knowing but trusting. I'll show up with my stories and my gratitude, wherever that may be. And whether or not my path leads me to where I believe it is meant to go, I'll know I did everything I could to get there.
I happened upon a poem tonight, written by one of my favorites, that really struck a chord.
Loaves and Fishes
This is not
the age of information.
This is not
the age of information.
Forget the news,
and the radio
and the blurred screen.
This is the time
of loaves
and fishes.
People are hungry,
and one good word is bread
for a thousand.
~David Whyte
I have a lot to say, I've yet to find my voice.
"Should I being doing more?" I kept asking today. A couple of opportunities have come up to make more money, but none of them have come through. It's not about doing, I'm doing what I can. I'm not perfect, I may have gone out to dinner when I shouldn't or maybe I should have worked a full day yesterday even though I'm sick. I can see myself in what my heart is moving me towards. Will that be enough? "Go forward with an open heart". Here I am. Raw, naked, with all of my beautiful flaws and trusting and yes, I get scared.
It's not that I really want to live in a tent for six months. There is nothing romantic about using an outhouse for the same amount of time. It's just that I feel in my heart this apprenticeship to be an important part of my path. All of the work I've done has confirmed it. I can't help but ask, how will I get there?
Comfort came from an unexpected source. A conversation with my father. My Dad is the best man I've ever known. It's not easy for him to reach out to me these days, yet he did. A simple, five minute phone call inquiring about how my plans are going, But not only that, when I went into the reasons the farm fits my path, he seemed to understand and trust me. As I hung up the phone I felt, for the first time in weeks that I'll get there. And if not, I'm learning A LOT along the way.
So I'll go forward with my plans not knowing but trusting. I'll show up with my stories and my gratitude, wherever that may be. And whether or not my path leads me to where I believe it is meant to go, I'll know I did everything I could to get there.
I happened upon a poem tonight, written by one of my favorites, that really struck a chord.
Loaves and Fishes
This is not
the age of information.
This is not
the age of information.
Forget the news,
and the radio
and the blurred screen.
This is the time
of loaves
and fishes.
People are hungry,
and one good word is bread
for a thousand.
~David Whyte
I have a lot to say, I've yet to find my voice.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Musings from 2011
The one without the glitz and the glamor
When did the melody become difficult to hear?
You need to understand this!
Let’s be people who deserve to be loved. Who are worthy. Cause we are worthy, we really are!
I’m afraid what will happen when this hits the air...
I’ve been feeling lately, maybe I’m more resilient than I thought
~
She feels like home.
In all of her magnificence and mystery
She feels like coming home.
She travels alone.
Images, they all seem to blend together.
She understands that there is a reason,
Like a secret no one knows.
And admittedly, she herself is not even sure.
She wanders in acceptance, alone but hardly lonely.
~
“The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.”
-David Orr, Earth in Mind
Let your bones go limp and
your heart grow tired
There will be no moon tonight
Open not your sleepy eyes
Believe me there is no more fight
If I gathered you up like kindle
for the fire
Would you not tend to my flame?
My wants and desires?
~
I don’t consider myself an unreasonable person, except for when it comes to romantic love. There seemed to be nothing I could do to stop the attraction, as much as it didn’t make sense. We don’t touch, that’s what lovers would do. When we’re together we can keep our hands off each other. He’s never paid me a compliment. When he says I am beautiful I believe him.
~
If I’m not depressed, who am I? If I’m happy, who am I???
Distant
Who do you think is going to walk through that door?
The key to your destiny? Doubtful.
You're next one night stand?
Slightly more probable.
An unknowing piece in the puzzle you call your journey?
Could be.
What makes you the fortunate one?
Who are you to be any different than them?
You are.Different that is.
You are a fly on the wall.
They are participants.
They only speak of crazy.
You are it!
They avoid, you embrace the void.
Why must they knock on the door?
And why do you walk,
scratch that,
run away?
If you must hold onto your darkness then devour it,
become it,
live it.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
On Romance
A constant theme for me in the past nine months has been walking away from romantic relationships and prospective partners in order to turn towards some other work or part of my journey as it comes up. It came to me the other day that in this, I am cultivating my relationship with longing, and in longing for an Other I am learning more about longing for Mystery and for Soul, for Divine. I know that as I am growing an learning and my heart is aligning there may be someone standing before me in the same space and time and.....and what? Probably not a relationship in a traditional sense, who am I kidding, but I would love to have someone to explore a different kind of relationship. One based on energy and feeling and exploration of Soul. .
I was at the mall the (which has turned into one of my absolute LEAST favorite places to be) and I saw a guy that I had an affair with years ago on an adventure in the desert. It was a beautiful experience, although brief, we had an incredible connection, talking and laughing, maybe even crying and being our young, raw, vulnerable selves. It was beautiful and it did not last, nor did I expect it to. But I did not forget the time we spent together. So I saw this person, walking with his partner and their baby and he had this incredibly serene look on his face. He was happy, content and this made me happy. I was not longing for the life he had or the life I did not have with him. I felt content to have shared a few moments with an incredible human being an see my Self through his eyes.
I guess it ultimately goes back to showing up for these moments although there may be heartache and loss but a greater chance of an opening, a lasting friendship, or if I'm lucky, a poem.
The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lover's don't finally meet somewhere
They're in each other all along
~Rumi
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Teacher to Teacher
I did not make any new years resolutions. Last month, I began a practice of setting intentions on every new moon, and releasing every full moon. I think setting intentions monthly does not call for any shallow ambitions to be made January 1st, most likely unrealized or unpracticed by February only to be brought up again or even forgotten by next year. I will practice being gentle with my Self, an ongoing practice too significant for 2012 alone. A friend of mine mentioned that she likes to pick a word for the year. I like this and picked two today: Gratitude and Amazement.
This week alone a good word for me is humility as I cling onto old habits. One particular habit that I did not, until recently, know that I had any chance of going back too. Even as I write tonight I'm listening to a heart wrenching Cat Power song and finding comfort in the grief that resonates through the melody. But, being gentle, I'm giving myself permission to listen to sad songs for an hour or so. Winter is a time of turning inward and I am so in it. But I did not choose to do my work because I thought it would be easy and it certainly isn't as I go even deeper. I have no regrets.
Back to the gratitude part. I am so grateful for and in awe of the incredible teachers that have shown up in my life. I was working with one such teacher tonight who has become very dear to me. We dug into my past. There's more?! Of course there's more. But before we started he asked in what ways I thought I affected him. I thought about it for a moment. "Laughter", I answered. "And tenderness. You can be kind of a hard ass and I am somehow able to get past that, bring out your gentle side." We moved onto to the work but thinking about this later, I was amazed. One of the intentions I set during my last ceremony was to be shown ways to bring my gifts into this world. I forget sometimes (okay often times) that I am always sharing my gifts, although they are sometimes subtle and I can be to stubborn to see. I also recognized that this teacher was saying you teach me.
One doesn't have to work with a Shaman or a mentor to have teachers. A teacher may take the form of a lover, a friend, an enemy or a bird in the wild or someone that has gone before us. Once I opened myself up to being taught I began to realize that we are all teachers, yes, including me.
This week alone a good word for me is humility as I cling onto old habits. One particular habit that I did not, until recently, know that I had any chance of going back too. Even as I write tonight I'm listening to a heart wrenching Cat Power song and finding comfort in the grief that resonates through the melody. But, being gentle, I'm giving myself permission to listen to sad songs for an hour or so. Winter is a time of turning inward and I am so in it. But I did not choose to do my work because I thought it would be easy and it certainly isn't as I go even deeper. I have no regrets.
Back to the gratitude part. I am so grateful for and in awe of the incredible teachers that have shown up in my life. I was working with one such teacher tonight who has become very dear to me. We dug into my past. There's more?! Of course there's more. But before we started he asked in what ways I thought I affected him. I thought about it for a moment. "Laughter", I answered. "And tenderness. You can be kind of a hard ass and I am somehow able to get past that, bring out your gentle side." We moved onto to the work but thinking about this later, I was amazed. One of the intentions I set during my last ceremony was to be shown ways to bring my gifts into this world. I forget sometimes (okay often times) that I am always sharing my gifts, although they are sometimes subtle and I can be to stubborn to see. I also recognized that this teacher was saying you teach me.
One doesn't have to work with a Shaman or a mentor to have teachers. A teacher may take the form of a lover, a friend, an enemy or a bird in the wild or someone that has gone before us. Once I opened myself up to being taught I began to realize that we are all teachers, yes, including me.
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