This year at Christmas

There have been several people who have said things to me like "I want your life!" You want my what? or "I wish I could do what you do." You wish you could....do what exactly? What is it that I do? Or maybe, what is that I don't do, that others would rather not. Well, I don't answer to anyone. I make decisions, seemingly big decisions based on.....based on my heart. Based on a knowing that exists there. Based on nothing else. Decisions that don't necessarily make sense logistically but that make sense in a way of the world, of the Earth, and of my Self.

And there are times, when, yes I'll admit, I've been terrified. Had no money, not expecting to have any, anytime soon and then boom, from somewhere comes, something. Not a check, actually sometimes a check or a job or a dinner or a place to be. And I answer to my Self, which may be harder, in my case, than answering to someone else. A friend recently admitted to me that he does not like feeling vulnerable. My response was "I feel vulnerable everyday!" It's true. I do and I absolutely love it. I'm vulnerable in love, in hope in this guessing game of high risk when really, I've nothing to lose.

There are tears, excitement, anxiety and laughter. Mostly at myself. At this life I've created that I sometimes call incredible and sometimes others call ridiculous. A life where I know, even through the pain, that magic happens. As I sit here, alone on Christmas Eve I know that you can do this life that I do, have the freedom that I have. There is nothing to regret, nothing to hold onto and everywhere to be. To be right here, right now. Am I waiting for what's next? No. I am here, still terrified, still knowing and still loving with all that I am, all that I have been.

Merry Christmas.

And I'll Take Yours

Follow up to previous post "Take My Hand".

It seemed ironic that I just finished writing about reaching out for support and tonight I'm feeling something relating to the topic, but something I don't feel (or allow myself to feel) often. It's like a test, Mystery saying, "Oh Yeah, will you really reach out?" I suppose tonight the answer is not really, but sharing is a start, right?  As hard as it is for me to admit, even to myself, I find myself wanting to be...drum roll please....taken care of. I'm a strong, independent woman, and have been for a long time. I love this about myself, in the world of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", although I've had my rough spots, I fill those boots well.

For tonight I'm tired. I've been working hard and a lot. Today was day nine for me and I still have four more to go. Nothing to crazy but when my health is not a hundred percent, I don't know, I'm just tired. I would love for someone to be here, maybe make me soup and tuck me into bed, laugh with me or tell me stories. Listen to mine. Someone to hold me and to be held. To my ego self it sounds weak and futile to want for such ridiculous things, for a ridiculous someone. But in this place of surrender, I will surrender to the wanting, at least for tonight, and ask my Self, "What are you really longing for? What companionship are you lacking in your self?" And another part of me will cut myself a little slack. And as I pour my self a cup of tea, tuck my self into bed, and read my self a story, I'll let my Self long for You.
 

Goodnight.

Take My Hand

I've noticed, particularly since my return to the states, an outpouring of support and love and am struck by the importance of community and family during this important time of shifting and re-membering.  I use these terms, family and community, very loosely as my current "community" is spread out all over the place right now and "family" has a much broader sense than it used to for me.

I've never had a tendency to reach out to others for help or support, especially in the times that I've needed it most. This morning, once again, I was exactly where I needed to be, connecting with my body in a way that allowed something very powerful to move through me. It is no coincidence that my body, that has been experiencing a lot of discomfort, was the catalyst for a huge release for me today. As grief (which is becoming like an old friend) swelled up inside I was able to let it out in a space that two incredibly strong, brave women held for me, unafraid of me or my grief. In their love, I was able to surrender. (December 12, 2011)

Afterwards as I was integrating and trying to show up in the world at the same time, or at work really, and struggling through the day a friend of mine who is in a different country did some work with me via Skype and I felt so much better. The next day, my friend  had asked me how I was doing since we had held a fire ceremony together (the ceremony that brought on the release) and I was able to convey my story to her and feel support from her, through that sharing.

My mentor looked at me quizzically recently in the way that she does and said to me, "You have a lot of clout with your friends right now and it's really important for you to share your stories with them." I am so blessed to have so many others to share with, to love with, and to witness. Thank you for receiving me with love.

Storyteller

Illumination

Lately I see my path laid out before me, at least for the next year or so. Also aware that anything I can plan is too small and sometimes Mystery has other things in store. For the past several months, the following is a prayer I carry with me daily:

I open my heart and soul to the truth, and ask that my life's journey be illuminated before me.  I ask for the wisdom to see, even in the darkness of life's challenges, and the ability to manifest my true path.

(Through this mantra I have also come to understand that my gift to the world involves helping others illuminate their own path!)

I've been surprised at the power of this statement, wrapped up in all of it's simplicity.  And it goes back to paying attention. When I do (pay attention) my journey really is illuminated before me, in very subtle and not so subtle ways.  I have a very clear picture of what I would like the next year to look like which can be very exciting for a wanderer such as myself. I know what I want and I also know that it could change and that could be okay too. Most of the time......

Then today I was suddenly and unexpectedly consumed with the "how" and none of my plans seemed to make any sense to me logistically and it seemed really important for them too. "I could opt out", I even thought. What?! Opt out? And do what? I'm sure there are plenty of other things I could do besides drop out of normal society and live on a farm for six months, cultivating the land and my gifts. I tried to come up with other things, I could go to Peru now rather than later, I could go to another different country altogether and finally do some humanitarian work. Even taking the money I make this winter and going out on the road seemed more realistic to me than the farm. I could stay here and pursue the informal job offer I received the other day. But whatever I came up with, seemed empty, made me feel empty.

Then I began to question the validity of other things I'd like to do right now. What am I thinking wanting to play the guitar? I haven't played any kind of instrument for 20+ years and I was not good at it then! How can I learn Spanish with out paying a lot of money for a class, money that I could save up for the summer and on and on. Catching myself before all of this got to out of control, I pulled the reigns in. How much of this has to do with the how and finances and how much of it has to do with the work I've been doing around not being good enough? At what point am I going to really trust my Self, trust Mystery, when I have been shown time and time again that my intuition will take me exactly to where I need to be in one way or another.

I know what I'm working towards. As I work toward this goal, things will take care of themselves, regardless of how I see them unfolding now. Right now, in this moment I have all of that and so much right here.

I had the funniest conversation the other day with a women I've worked with and known since 1999. She has always been incredibly forthright and when I ran into in the employee cafeteria she had not changed. "Don't you want a reall job?" She had asked me in her Chinese accent. "Your very different aren't you? Most people get a real job so they have a steady income." "Yes my friend, I am very different." "Don't you date?" Was her next question, Wow, that shifted quick. "Once in a while", I responded, laughing out loud now. "Yes I"m very different."

Stories of Stories

Lately I find myself turning to my journals and its almost like picking up the phone and calling a good friend. Writing has always been a large part of my journey yet even today as I read what I wrote only a few weeks ago, I am sometimes surprised at my words and the eloquence around them. There is also a knowing behind them, a truth.

Last year I would wake up in the morning, set a timer for fifteen minutes and write my "pages" as I called it, writing down my stream of consciousness. I would write whatever came up for me. I'm not sure what I wrote about, I've not gone back to read this journal. I am sure that sometimes I simply wrote about the weather and there were other times I would have profound insights. Either way it was a good way for me to sort through my thoughts, release them, or simply send my wishes out into the universe.

I have kept a dream journal which is difficult for me to be consistent with, especially when I was moving around a lot. It started on the Vision Quest and every night I would sleep with my journal next to me and a pen inside of it with my owl feather in the pocket of my tent because owl feathers are known to reveal secrets. I find that it helps to make a conscious decision before I go to sleep to write my dreams down once I wake. When I lived in San Diego, D and I used to share our dreams with each other, we were both keeping a dream journal, and I found that helped me get back into the habbit because I had someone to answer to. I find if I don't write them down I have a hard time remember and sometimes I'll wake up thinking "Damn, there was something I was supposed to remember from the dream world and I can't quite put my finger on it."

In Peru , my journal served as a trusty companion. I picked it out especially for the trip since I had finished my current journal just as I was leaving. I love it when I write in the last page at a perfect time of transition. I was attracted to a small book with a celtic design. I wrote so much in Peru there were times when my hand would ache. One day I was walking with my journal tucked into my vest and it fell down a drain. Luckily it was dry down there and to the astonishment of the Policia that helped me get it open, I crawled down into the street to retrieve it. Good times.

Funny, as I finish this blog I have been writing in the last of my Peruvian/Celtic journal. For me, the end of a journal represents a closure of sorts of stories that I will always take with me that are also somehow ending. I will share a couple of entries from this book now:

October 15th

There is a new confidence about me. How could there not be? I followed my heart here which is exactly where I needed to be. I am trusting my Self. As we were walking off the mountain today, my gait felt strong. I felt beautiful and confident and, I don't know.....charged somehow.

October 17th

I feel surprisingly unattached to much of anything or anyone right now. I guess you could say unattached to any story. It feels different, so light. In a way, I am just beginning my life.

Yesterday we were at the Temple of the Ancient Ones (I'm not sure of the Quechuan name). As I knelt at the beautiful altar there I was surprised at the grief that came up. As I placed my elbows and forehead against the rock, tears arose and when I finally pulled myself away I notice the stain of one of my tears. N wanted to know why, who and how the site was created. As far as I'm concerned, it may as well have been created for me in that moment.

Intuitively Manifesting

I've been able to get to this really great place lately of trusting and knowing. That is to say, trusting my Self, my intuition, and knowing that what Mystery has in store for me is wrapped up in that trust and that knowing. Some people believe that moving towards this knowing through feeling is a part of the great shift. Trusting your intuition means not always asking why. This is the hard part that can take a lot of practice, for me as well. (I've had a lot of practice just today!) Our Western minds are trained to want to know why....and who and what and when! This way of thinking is not easy to let go of, even as I move through life and it proves to me over and over that anything I can plan is too small. And oh my God, when I do trust my Self and my feeling although some of  these decisions may not bring me a steady income  or may cause me to walk away from a lover, or completely go against what society wants from me, things tend to make sense in the end. Have you ever fully understood any lesson in this life as it's happening? No. The term hindsight didn't come out of nowhere.

Another word I've begun to understand: manifestation. Also as we move towards the shift we are becoming more aware of the power of our minds. I speak a lot of trusting Mystery. This does not mean we are to sit on our thumbs and do nothing. We as human beings were given the gift of consciousness. Use it! I have been amazed at what I have been able to manifest in my life, positive and negative, purposefully and accidentally. For example: I'm never going to be able to keep track of this little piece of paper that they stuck in my passport and called a visa. Boom! It was gone. Okay that's a lame example but I'm serious. There's no way I would have gone to Peru at all if I was unable to imagine myself there and opened myself up to the possibility. It is okay to wish for things, to want for things and to believe that you can create them. Figure out the how later.

Here's a better example of both. When I first heard of a vision quest, my heart soared and I thought, "That sounds like exactly what I need." When my N.D. suggested that I go out and get the book Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin I started it that day and as soon as I started reading new I would do my vision quest with AVI. After a long application process (they are careful to make sure vision quest is a good fit) I was granted a small scholarship towards my program. I was very excited but how would I pay for the rest? At this point I was not working. It was just after the holidays, I was staying with my family in a cabin in mountains and I think this is as close as I had come to praying in a long time. The next day I received a call from the controller at the company I had worked for previously. "We need some help with year end, can you come in?" I was able to save enough for the VQ and there is no doubt that it was a pivotal point in my journey. Not only that but I was supposed to be in that place at that time with those particular beautiful Others.

I have been accepted into an apprenticeship with True Nature Farm next year. Yes, I've gotten a lot of "What are you going to do, become a farmer?' from my loved ones. They don't always understand when I explain to them that in my heart I know that this apprenticeship is an important part of understanding my gifts and cultivating my relationship with Grandmother Earth and others in a community setting on the land. Maybe I will become a farmer, maybe I will teach others the skills that I acquire. My hope is to take what I learn there, along with my hospitality background back to Peru but I also understand that it's not about the outcome but about trusting my heart.

Integrating

I've done this before, come off of a mystical, romantic adventure, full of travel and spirit and shifting and awakening. I knew that returning to the States would be an adjustment but as half a dozen military personnel boarded my flight from Dallas to Salt Lake City, the last leg of my journey, I thought "I got this, piece of cake. Nothing compared to what these brave souls are going through." I know that I have the tools for this and am aware of the importance of being gentle with myself in this time. But still, I find myself not quite sure what to do, although there's plenty to be done. I'm eating a lot and it seems very important to catch up on this season of Grey's Anatomy.  I have no desire to read and I haven't written in my journal hardly at all since my return. As I streamed the latest episode, there was a horrible commercial advertising an anti-depressant. "The symptoms, I still have symptoms." Well no shit lady, treat the Goddamn cause, not the symptoms! Look at your feelings, they have so much to teach you!

So here I am, getting worked up over commercials, feeling somewhat lonely and a little bit lost, more so in this place that I called home for the majority of my adult life than in a country where I initially knew one person and struggled to remember street names like Hatunrumiyac and hardly knew enough of the language to ask for directions. But the loneliness that comes with whenever I return to Utah is not for lack of company or friends, but something else that I can't quite pinpoint. But I'm no longer in Peru. I'm right here, right now. Waiting to hear back about a job, in order to look for an apartment and a hospice to volunteer at and a guitar teacher. If I know I'm going to be here for the next five months I'll start here.....or there. It doesn't have to be here, does it? It does feel good to have plans although not immediate.

I spoke to a good friend of mine this morning, whom I have a very special connection with and have not seen for months. Out of the blue he asked me a question that no one would ever know to ask unless they were there with me, in ceremony, the night of the full moon. I remember others saying to me after ceremony, that I was had been surrounded by beings, rooting for me and sending me love. And I remembered this morning that he and I, we're the same and although Peru is a magical place, everything is right here, in me and that what went on in Peru, whether I return someday or not, will always be apart of me.